When counseling doesn’t work!

When counseling doesn’t work!

I wonder if counseling can help me?

I got a call from a friend of mine, who asked if I could help her friend. He was not in a happy marriage and needed my help. I agreed to call her friend and talk with him. He was going through some tough times and just needed a sympathetic ear and voice on the other end of the phone. I listened to his story and could feel his pain. Wife had a drinking problem, wouldn’t work, refused to talk about her and his problems with him. He was a hurting man for sure.

He wanted to try to work things out, but she wasn’t willing to make the effort to salvage the marriage. He was the kind of man that most women would loved to be married to. He was attentive, loving, thoughtful, considerate, and a whole lot more. She even admitted that he was a good man. She just wanted out, she had a new lover in her life, and her marriage for over 25 years was now boring!

His heart was broken, her’s was moving on to greener and brighter pastures. He wanted to save the marriage and she wanted to sever all ties with her husband. He loved her and she hated him. She loved the bar scene and he loved being at home with her. Certainly opposites in every way! He had no where to turn, life looked bleak and he fell into the pity party mind set. Actually she did him a big favor by ending the marriage.

Sure his hurt was real and his pain lasted for several weeks, he begin to see that his life was not over, but just beginning. He adjusted to the verbal attacks he received, the personal insults aimed at him were stingers for sure. He used all the attacks as a part of his foundation for his healing. Most people, take the personal attacks and use them for fodder for years of bitterness, hate and self destruction.

I had my ex do the same thing to me. I called her personal attacks on me just simply a cowards way of having me end the marriage and not her. She tried to justify the vulgar things she said to me with “you never loved me”, it almost worked, I was looking through the yellow pages for a lawyer after many personal attacks by her.

I asked my wife at the time, lets go see someone who can help us work through our problems. She agreed, all the while having an affair with another guy. I didn’t have a chance of any reconciliation while she was involved with someone else. He was younger, had expensive taste, no obligations to a family, and liked to party. I’m sure many of you can relate to my clients and my story.

Marriage problems can escalate when nothing is done to fix the problem. Its easy for most people to avoid any kind of confrontation and just let live. So, when is it time to pull the plug in a bad marriage or bad relationship? Here are my tips on deciding on what to do.

1. If there is an affair and the other person is not willing to break it off, then you need to move on. Don’t waste your time, energy or money trying to save a marriage or relationship that the other person has no interest in working on.

2. If there is constant confrontation, arguing and lying to cover up unexplained behavior, move on. The trust is broken, don’t waste your time!

3. If your spouse or partner will not seek counseling, and says that you need it, then let them know that if they don’t agree to get help, you will go on your own and get help. Then after talking with your Divorce Coach, you will decide what course of action you will take.

These are just a few suggestions to think about. Here are some questions you may want to ask yourself. Do you feel uneasy about the way your relationship is headed? Do you want help in restoring your marriage or relationship, but don’t know how? Do you have trouble in communicating with your spouse or partner and want help? Do you need help in ending a relationship and need advice? If you answered yes to any of these questions, I can help you, just give me a call to set up an appointment.