As my client began to speak, his wife asked him, “you didn’t hear a word I said, did you?” well, of course I did, he responded. She motioned with her hands and said “Time-out!” and what did I say? He was caught and very uncomfortable as he stared at his feet…..
Why does confronting your spouse scare you? Think about that question. Does it codger up unknown fears, perhaps past struggles? I have often wondered, is there really a good way to talk about your past, present and future hurts? I mean, how fun is it to talk to your spouse about a personal hurt they have caused you 2 months ago, and you haven’t had the courage to deal with it. There is no easy way to plan for it, but it must be done and sooner the better.
What is the real problem? From my perspective, its the lack of ability to listen to the other person. We want to blame the other person, and don’t understand why they can’t see our view point. We get frustrated on how their lack of perception of the problem at hand. We assume or make assumptions of the problem, and start the blame game. I think we all have done that to some degree. We will defend our talking points without question, and never listen to our spouses perspective. Its usually all or nothing in regards to how we confront each other.
Rule number one, put yourself in your spouses shoes. How would you like to be treated and what would you hear coming from your own lips? Would you like to be attacked or blamed, told who’s right or wrong, or have your spouse make blanket assumptions about you? Of course not, you would like to be treated as an equal and respected as a partner. You really don’t know your spouses intentions, we assume we do, when we really don’t. That’s where we start getting into dangerous territory. When we think we know what our spouse is thinking and saying without listening, or getting the facts before we speak, that can lead to a relationship disaster. I have been there and done that, not fun if you ask me!
Over the next several weeks, I will give you some idea’s on how to confront without being nasty or condescending. They work if you have patience to learn how to change your style of confrontation. Add your thoughts, what works for you and what didn’t. After all we are here to help each other!
Many of you have expressed an interest in talking with me about how to save your marriage, or how to end it. Having gone through the pain myself, I’d be glad to help.
It won’t just go away by itself. Let me help you resolve one of the most painful times in your life, so you can start moving forward again. Make that your first step right now.