Blog | Divorce Counseling

Why Is Confession Good For The Soul?

Posted on June 10, 2013 by drbrooks

Ok! Right off the bat, I’m telling you this article isn’t about going to a priest and confessing all of your faults and sins and your whole life story. This is about getting things right with someone you have offended or wounded. It might be a family member, a friend or someone at work you need to apologize to. A lot of resentment, anger, rage, misunderstandings, hurt, sadness could be avoided by you if we are willing to right our wrongs against those we have hurt.

Confession is good for the soul

Definition of confession: confess [k?n?f?s] vb(when tr, may take a clause as object)

1.(when intr, often foll by to) to make an acknowledgment or admission (of faults, misdeeds, crimes, etc.)

2.(tr) to admit or grant to be true; concede

I remember a few years back when a woman and her husband were in my office for marital counseling. The woman was confessing that she had an affair with a co-worker. It was very difficult for her to share it and even more difficult for her husband to hear. The affair was eating her alive. Her insides were so on fire that she was taking medication for an ulcer from the guilt she was carrying. She shared the secrets of her affair with her friends who encouraged her to continue it. Yet, she knew it was the wrong thing to do was. The haunting visions of her family breaking up because of her actions and the pain her children would go through were too much for her bear. That’s when she called me. I told her that if she felt that she needed to confess the affair to her husband then she should follow through with her feelings. I also advised her that there was no guarantee her husband would want to continue the marriage. She knew her confession would rid the guilt she was carrying with her 24/7.

Do you want to be free from years of guilt? Do you want to fix relationships that have been damaged by your actions and you need to confess a wrong you have committed? Many people have a severed conscious and don’t care about fixing broken relationships. You don’t want to fall into that trap.

Many times I hear stories about someone who has passed on and a family member wished they could have said “I’m sorry” for something that happened between them. I can remember a friend of mine who had a great deal of animosity and hard feelings toward his father. One night he received the call about his dad being killed in a car accident on an icy road. That’s when the guilt overwhelmed him as he lay in bed and wept. He was planning to ask his dad to forgive him for the anger he had towards him. He just didn’t know how to and now it was too late. Sometimes we never get that chance to cleanse our hearts through confessing our faults to each other. So the million dollar question is…why is confession good for the soul?

I’d say most people are good to each other and treat each other with dignity and respect. We all want people to think we are good on the inside and care about others. For most of us we want to go to bed with a clean conscious that we purposely don’t want to hurt anybody. When you have done something to someone by accident (a remark, or action) and it hurt them, we generally want to fix the pain we have caused them. We each have our ways of doing that (apologizing, trying to make things right). For many of us in this age of texting and e-mails, people will ask someone to forgive them and confess a fault through electronic means. I suppose that works for some folks but a true face to face meeting is what is needed. It can be scary at times yet fulfilling if done with a true heart of resolving issues.

What if you’re on the receiving end of someone that comes to you to confess an issue they have had with you? How would you deal with it? I can remember when an acquaintance asked if he could talk with me about something. I met him for lunch and as we sat and talked he said he wanted to confess that he had been angry with me for something because I ignored him in a business meeting and didn’t respond to a question he had asked. He had held a grudge ever since. He said it had bothered him for several months and wanted to get things right between us. I didn’t know that I had done this to this man and asked him for forgiveness. We talked over what had happened and agreed it was a wonderful feeling of letting the grudge go. So you can see, confession is good for the soul!

Do you have someone that you need to go talk to and confess an issue with them? Do you need to let go of something that causes you anger? Are you confused about some of the hard feelings that you’ve been carrying for some time? If you answered yes to any of these questions give me a call at 303.456.0555.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. His services are affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching and counseling for those who live out of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

Posted in Life in general | 1 Comment

I Can’t Take It Anymore

Posted on June 3, 2013 by drbrooks

I was at my desk when the phone rang,” I can’t stand her anymore! I’m done! I’m finished! It’s over!” I sat back and listened to every reason why this man wanted a divorce. He went on to complain, “She’s not respecting me! She does not take care of our kids! She’s spending money like it’s going out of style! In fact she will not even help me take care of my mother who is disabled and lives with us. She’s a taker and not a giver. This stinks and I am totally done with her.”

I listened as he continued on for several minutes. I didn’t blame him for being angry. At some point in time we all get frustrated and need to vent and believe me, this man did. Another client of mine came to my office one afternoon fit to be tied. She couldn’t take anymore of her children disrespecting her and her husband. She said she just wanted them out of their home. I asked her how old her kids were and she said that her son was 19 and her daughter was 17.

I asked her how her kids disrespected her. She said they fuss and complain and make excuses for why they don’t help around the house. Her husband was working 60 hours a week and had no energy to argue with them and tended to leave it up to her to handle. She felt caught in the middle and wanted them out NOW! She just couldn’t take it anymore!

We all reach a point in our lives that our careers, our families, or our friendships will take a hit for various reasons. When you feel like you are at your wits end, then you should take stock of your situation and make some changes. When a situation controls you and you feel like you can’t take it any longer, then take action. What action should you take and how? Here are some examples:

If your spouse is egging you on to have a fight and you don’t want to have a confrontation, then give yourself a time out. Walking away is the best action you can take.
If your children are driving you crazy, then give them a timeout and let them know if they continue with their bad behavior they better expect to be sitting in a room with without iPads, Internet, or cell phones. No nothing, nada, zilch.
If a co-worker is pushing you to quit your job and you need that job and you can’t take it anymore, then confront the one causing you problems. Meet with your manager, or owner of the company. Make sure that you have your evidence of why you are meeting with your employer.
If a family member is causing heartache for you, then sit down with that person and let them know that you being disrespected will not be tolerated.
Don’t do anything out of anger, out of spite, or to get even. If you can’t take it any longer, then deal with it. Problems usually don’t go away on their own.
Have a civil discourse and get the problems resolved. Don’t let them ride because they will come back to haunt you. That, you can count on.

Have you had a situation in the home where you can’t take it anymore? Have you had issues with your spouse, child or parent that can’t be resolved and need help resolving? Do you struggle with going to work because someone is trying your patience? If you answered yes to any of these question Dr. Mike can help you find answers to finding peace in your life. Call him at 303.456.0555

Posted in Life in general, Uncategorized | Tagged confrontation, disrespect, Divorce, i'm done | Leave a comment

Don’t Provoke Me

Posted on May 28, 2013 by drbrooks

I was six years old when our military family made the long drive from Fort Lewis, Washington to Fort Slocum, NY. My sister Deb had a knack for picking fights. My dad didn’t tolerate fighting in the car and my sister, who was 5 years old at the time, was looking for trouble. She was bored on this leg of the trip, however, I was content just trying to color in a coloring book.

If your trying to provoke someone anything can happen!

At one point during the drive, my sister kept pinching me. Even though I told her to stop and pushed her away she kept pinching me. I begged her to stop. About that time, my dad yelled at both of us to stop and settle down. She pinched me once again and that’s when my dad told us we had better behave or we would get spanked. Once again, my sister placed a painful pinch just behind my arm. I let out a yell and punched her in the shoulder.

Within minutes my dad pulled over to the side of the road and drug me out of the car and began spanking me. Even though traffic was going by, I was getting a good paddling. When he finally stopped spanking me he told me that I was to get in the car and say nothing or I would get another licking! I was crying hard and didn’t stop until he finally said “why are you still crying?” after about 30 minutes down the road. Between my crying and trying to breath, I told him that when he was spanking me my shoe fell off. That didn’t go over very well and he was upset that I didn’t tell him sooner. My sister provoked me and I ultimately paid the price.

I see people provoke others in all kinds of relationships including marriage, family, work and school. How we respond is key in keeping peace and moving on. When couples come to counsel with me and I hear one person telling me that the other is looking for faults in their marriage, they seem to constantly repeat the history of mistakes. The person who is on the receiving end of takes that as being provoked and feels the need to defend themselves. Then the war of words and history grows into a full argument. I tell my clients not to go there, walk away and take time to think about what is causing the argument. Don’t provoke arguments. I have seen many divorces happen because of anger and provoking someone into an argument.

Can you name the things which commonly provoke arguments? Can you add to this list?
•   Money
•   Family
•   Friends
•   Fob
•   In-laws
•   Politics
•   Religion
•   Sports
These are just a few and I am sure you can add many to this list. I have friends who point out incorrect statements of others during simple conversations. You may pronounce the name of a city one way and your friend may correct you in front of a group of people because they pronounce it a different way. I have seen it happen. To others it looks like a provocation and someone that is mean spirited.

I suggest that if you are the one who likes to provoke disagreements, then stop. It’s unattractive and pushes people away from you. If you are on the receiving end, then just walk away and don’t get into it. Keep the peace in your sphere of influence.

Do you feel that you are easily provoked and lose control and want help? Do you enjoy provoking others and want to stop? Do you need help in making the right decisions when provoked by others? Call Dr. Mike and he can help you with some of these problems.

Posted in Life in general | Tagged anger, Divorce, provoke, relationships | Leave a comment

What Ever Happened to Martial Communication?

Posted on May 16, 2013 by drbrooks

Keeping good communication with your spouse will keep your relationship strong!

As I sat across my desk looking into the eyes of a new client, she was having a difficult time using the word divorce in a sentence. Finally, I asked her why she wanted a divorce. She became silent and just stared at her hands for several moments. As she wrung her hands in despair, she spoke softly then looked at me with tears in her eyes and said “I want a divorce because my husband never talks to me; he avoids me when I walk into a room.” She asked, “Do you know what it feels like when your spouse says nothing to you when he comes home from work?”

I asked her if she thought he would be willing to get marital counseling. “I don’t know. It’s probably too late to get help for us and I don’t want the hassle of making appointments and meeting with anyone.” She went on to say, “I am fed up and too tired to continue down this road. It’s been this way for many years and he won’t change.”

I believe one of the major reasons people get divorced is the lack of communication. If you can’t express needs and concerns with your spouse then how do you solve problems in your marriage? Walking away is not always the answer and does not necessarily fix your marriage woes. Many couples, when fighting, give each other the silent treatment. They let their pride get in the way and try to win by not being the first person to speak. Friends, this is a major issue in many marriages. What is the point of not speaking to each other? It harbors resentment, bitterness, control, anger and possibly will start divorce proceedings. Is this the outcome you really want for you and your spouse?

Following is a list of some of the “wrong” reason for divorce. I have heard just about every excuse known to man. Here are a few:
•   I didn’t really know my spouse before we got married.
•   My family doesn’t like him.
•   I expected our marriage to be like when were dating, exciting, romantic.
•   He/she spends more time with their friends then me.
•   He/she doesn’t like the company I keep.
•   He/she has changed. They are not fun to be around with anymore.
•   Our goals have changed. We are not on the same page.
•   He/she doesn’t pay attention to me.
•   We no longer have fun together.
•   My spouse doesn’t like to party with me.
•   He/she works too many hours and are never home.
•   He/she wants kids and I don’t.

Many couples don’t look at the consequences of walking away from their marriage. If you’re considering getting divorced, then sit down with someone who can help you figure out what you need to do. Make time to meet with your spouse too. A major mistake most couples make is not talking out the issues that have forced you to decide if divorce is for you! Unresolved conflict carries into other relationships and the baggage from your past marriage will creep up in any other relationship you get involved in. I promise you that! I hear it all the time in my office. Some conversations are difficult but should not be avoided because they are uncomfortable. I tell my clients to put those feelings on the table and talk about them. If you don’t, they will come back to haunt you in the worst way.

I had a client who walked away from her marriage and never had any resolution to why she left the marriage. She and her husband never talked about the issues that caused their break-up, in fact, they avoided them. When she got into another relationship, the same problems started to happen and she walked away from the guy she was seeing. That’s when she called me to talk over some of the unresolved issues she was encountering.

Her major issue was that when she argues she shuts down. She hates conflict and avoids it at any cost. The men she had been involved with yelled when they argued and when they did she withdrew and would walk away. One of the tools we had to help her learn was not all conflict is bad, it’s just how is it handled in the first place. How many of you hate to fight and argue? Probably most of you. If you don’t know how to fight fair then learn how to debate in a mature way where facts are presented and discussed in an adult manner. If she had those tools she probably would have never filed for a divorce.

Most divorces don’t need to happen. Couples need to learn how to communicate better and sit down and resolve their problems. Talking out marital problems is critical in saving your relationship. Believe me it’s worth the effort in the long run!

Do you have a spouse in your life that you need to talk to and share some of the hurts they caused? Are you fearful of conflict and need to talk to your spouse about martial issues but are afraid? Do you need to confront your spouse that has ignored you and need help in planning how to talk to them? Are you dealing with bitterness from your spouse that has caused division between you and your spouse? If you answered yes to any of these questions give Dr. Mike a call he can help you! Call him at 303.456.0555

Posted in I want to save my marriage | Tagged anger, bitterness, conflict, Divorce, Dr. Mike, Dr. Mike divorce coach and counselor, hates conflict, lack of communication, unresolved conflict | Leave a comment

When Someone Encourages You to Get a Divorce

Posted on May 6, 2013 by drbrooks

When is the last time you heard someone say to you or a friend, “If I were you I would get a divorce”? I hear it all the time in my office. I had a young man in my office just two weeks ago who told me, “My friends said that I should get a divorce and I think they are right!” Wow! I am amazed at how many people get talked into a life changing decision without finding the consequences of divorce.

Don’t expect your friends or family to give good advice when you have marriage problems

I let my clients know upfront that divorce is a sobering experience. It’s not for the faint of heart. Not only does it terminate the marital relationship, divorce can also terminate relationships with your in-laws, good friends and even your own family. What is the price you will pay for your divorce? Well my friends, here are some facts that may enlighten you on divorce in the US:

United States Divorce Statistics

Most people already know that around 50 percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce. The number is similarly high in many other developed nations.

When you break that down by number of marriages:

53 percent of first marriages end in divorce.
60 percent of second marriages end in divorce.
73 percent of third marriages end in divorce.

In America, there is one divorce every 13 seconds. That’s 6,646 divorces per day, and 46,523 divorce per week.

The average length of a marriage that ends in divorce is eight years.

Statistics on the Likelihood of Divorce

If your parents are happily married, your risk of divorce decreases by 14 percent.

People who wait to marry until they are over the age of 25 are 24 percent less likely to get divorced.

Living together prior to getting married can increase the chance of getting divorced by as much as 40 percent.

Divorce and Children Statistics

The divorce rate among couples with children is 40 percent lower than couples without children.

Forty-three percent of children growing up in America today are being raised without their fathers.

Seventy-five percent of children with divorced parents live with their mother.

Twenty-eight percent of children living with a divorced parent live in a household with an income below the poverty line.

Half of all American children will witness the breakup of a parent’s marriage. Of these children, close to half will also see the breakup of a parent’s second marriage.

These are very enlightening statistics, in fact several of you will be able to relate to some of these numbers. Before you even consider getting a divorce make sure that you talk to someone who can help you sort through the mess you’re in. If you’re listening to a friend who is giving you advice about ending your marriage, don’t! They may think they’re looking out for your best interest, but they don’t see the pitfalls that can cost you your marriage in case it is salvageable. Don’t forget, divorce cost you financially in the long run. Divorce should only be an option if you can’t work things out and/or the other party wants no part of reconciliation.

Before you see a lawyer, please give me a call and let’s talk about the problems in your marriage…all of them! Many issues in an unhealthy marriage are misunderstandings, lack of communication or unwillingness to make changes to fix the marriage. Maybe you need to be heard and the only way to get your spouse to listen is to threaten divorce. Is it possible you don’t know how to sit down and talk about your problems and end up arguing and getting nowhere? If that’s the case, I can help you set up a game plan that will get your questions answered and how to plan your future. Don’t let your marriage fail because of your lack of doing nothing to change things. The regrets I hear from a broken hearted divorced spouse causes a lot of pain for everyone involved. Don’t live in the “would have, should have, could have” world. I want people to know that giving your marriage every chance to survive is worth the effort. If it doesn’t work, then you can look back and say, “I gave it my all.”

Are you in a difficult, loveless marriage and need help in getting control of it? Do you want to confront your spouse with your concerns? Do you need help in putting together your talking points? Are you someone who needs help in stopping negative thoughts about your spouse? If you answered yes to any of these questions, give Dr. Mike a call he can help you.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. His services are affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching and counseling for those who live out of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call at 303.456.0555! You’ll be glad you did!

Posted in Divorce Coach | Tagged confront your spouse, consequences of divorce, Divorce, loveless marriage | Leave a comment

How To Stop A Gossip In Their Tracks (2)

Posted on April 25, 2013 by drbrooks

Mildred, the church gossip stayed busy sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake one day when she accused Frank, a new church member, of being an alcoholic, after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank and several church members that everyone who saw his truck parked there would know what he was doing! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain or defend himself or deny anything.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house and walked home. He intentionally left it parked there all night!! (You gotta love Frank!) Needless to say, Mildred’s days of gossiping came to an end.

Last week we talked about how many of us struggle with gossip or being gossiped about. It causes a great deal of pain and divides friends, families and co-workers. This week, we’ll spend a little time talking about gossiping in church. We will explore how to stop church gossip because all churches have a “Mildred” and deal with this problem.

Gossip destroys reputations, ruins careers and breaks up families once the words have left the lips of a gossip. Unfortunately, anything can happen. I have wondered over the years how many lives have been lost to an outright lie or rumor, how many jobs have been lost in the workplace because of lies, or God forbid, marriages have been ruined because of lies and gossip!

These are a few quotes that I enjoy sharing when dealing with a gossip:

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
–Will Rogers
Whoever gossips to you will gossip about you.
–Spanish Proverb
The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.
–Will Rogers
What you don’t see with your eyes, don’t witness with your mouth.
–Jewish Proverb
We cannot control the evil tongues of others; but a good life enables us to disregard them.
–Cato the Elder
Never tell evil of a man, if you do not know it for certainty, and if you know it for a certainty, then ask yourself, ‘Why should I tell it?’
–Johann K. Lavater

If you have a problem with gossiping about others, it’s time to quit. Just stop! People who have reputations about being a gossip don’t realize what people think about them. As adults we need to see how destructive gossip can be. For some people it comes as a natural act and don’t even realize they’re doing it.

During my senior year in college, a classmate came up to me and asked why I was talking about her. I told I had no clue what she was talking about. She proceeded to tell me what I said about her. I stopped her and told her I had never said such things and then asked her who had spread that lie. She told me it was a secret and refused to tell me. That’s when I looked at her and repeated to her that I had said nothing about her and to asked the person who gossiped to meet the three of us and settle the matter once and for all. The person who had been gossiping didn’t want to meet with us. The woman apologized to me and appreciated my willingness to confront the person in question.

In closing, the way to stop a gossip in their tracks is to avoid these people at any cost. Many heart aches can be prevented if you are willing to stop the meddling people who gossip. It’s up to us – all of us – to help make the world a better place, and stopping gossip is a step in the right direction.

Have you been a victim of gossip and need help in getting over it? Do you want to confront a gossip who is harming your family? Do you need help in moving on and letting go of someone who hurt you through gossip? Are you someone who needs help in stopping your gossip habit? If you answered yes to any of these questions, give Dr. Mike a call he can help you.

Posted in Life in general | Tagged Dr. Mike, gossip, gossiping, lies, reputation | Leave a comment

How To Stop A Gossip In Their Tracks (1)

Posted on April 10, 2013 by drbrooks

“Did you hear about Emily’s affair? She was seen at a restaurant having dinner with a man that was not her husband. I mean the nerve of that woman! Her husband is ill and she is fooling around with another man! I called several of my friends and asked them if they knew about her affair! I will get at the bottom of this if it kills me.” This rumor spread like wildfire in a small community in the mid-west. The truth of the matter was Emily was having dinner with her brother whom she had not seen in 15 years. This is the fabric of out-of-control gossip.

Merriam Webster’s dictionary defines a gossip as:
a: person who habitually reveals personal or sensational facts about others
b: rumor or report of an intimate nature
c: a chatty talk
.
Gossipmongers are people who indulge in such useless talk about others’ personal or private lives. It is a means of sharing views and information but introduces errors or variation in the actual information which is real. Gossip is sometimes referred to spreading of false or dirty information about someone after distorting the real facts. Gossip can also involve discussion of scandals.

I hear more and more people talking about their friends, family members and co-workers behind their backs. Frankly I am tired of it. It seems to me we ought to stop people from being a participant in gossiping. Gossip can end lifetime friendships, divide families, and can destroy businesses and partnerships. It does so much damage in today’s society.

You may recall back in high school where we all joined in talking about the social defunct students who walked amongst us. People would talk about scandalous parties where students were involved in immoral acts. Even the status of certain parents and their jobs or houses they lived in was all fodder for the rumor mill. I remember those days well. Did I participate in gossip during my school years? Of course I did! We all did.

As we get older most of us realize how damaging gossip can be and tend to shy away from it; however, we all know those who just thrive on gossip and look for any excuse to talk about someone. The Inquirer magazine fills a void for many gossips, but most gossips prefer hometown, juicy tales of neighbors and townsfolk. They will share any lie or contrived story for the unsuspecting person who comes along their way. Many gossips have no idea and could probably care less about the damage they do to couples, individuals, and families! How many marriages have been destroyed by a gossip? I see it all the time in my practice. I have had countless couples share stories with me about a friend who started a rumor about someone and the marriage ended up in divorce.

I remember when my daughter was a sophomore in high school and came home one day very upset. She told me that one of her friends had started a rumor about her. I told her not to respond but just leave it alone. I also told her that when someone spreads lies and rumors about fellow classmates, one of them will eventually confront them and it will not be pretty. I always encourage my clients to talk positively when talking about others, like a soon-to-be ex-spouse, former co-workers and friends because “whatever is whispered in secret, will be shouted from the rooftops.” Even though you may think you are telling someone something in confidence out of concern, the information you share will most likely be shared with others. It’s amazing on how many people like to gossip. The trouble that goes with it is not worth it!

My tips on how to deal with a gossip:
•   When someone comes to you and starts to gossip, stop them immediately and ask that person if they would mind going to the person they are gossiping about and share it with them. This will stop them in their tracks. This works! I have done this many times with success.
•   Ask the person who is gossiping what the point is of sharing personal information? Ask them what they are getting out of it.
•   Tell the person who is gossiping that it makes them look small and immature.
•   Ask them how they would feel if someone gossiped about them and how would he/she deals with it. Would they want the rumors, gossip, and lies to continue or be stopped?
•   One of my favorite questions is to ask the person who is gossiping, “Can we pray about this?” You can ask this question even if you are not a regular church member or a person of faith. The shock value you will get will be priceless!
•   Finally, you can simply walk away.

Try these tips. They really do work. I have used them all and have gotten some great results. Don’t be afraid to confront someone that gossips about you or your friends when it’s libel or can get someone hurt. I guarantee you, when you don’t participate in gossip you’re not going to have people attack you or confront you about a rumor, lies or telling secrets.

Have you been a victim of gossip and need help getting over it? Do you want to confront a gossip who is harming your family? Do you need help in moving on and letting go of someone who hurt you through gossip? Are you someone who needs help in stopping your gossip habit? If you answered yes to any of these questions, give Dr. Mike a call he can help you. Call him at 303.456.0555 if you have any questions.

Posted in relationships | Tagged Dr Mike Brooks divorce coach and counselor | Leave a comment

Don’t Get Caught Unprepared In The Headlights Of Life

Posted on April 3, 2013 by drbrooks

As I was driving from south central Wisconsin to Arvada, Colorado, I had hoped the 20 hour drive would be a relaxing and a break from the business I had been dealing with. After 16 hours of driving, I was exhausted when I got to North Platte, Nebraska and could barely keep my eyes open. I desperately needed to pull off at a roadside rest area and close my eyes for a few minutes. As I started to relax I heard the horn blast of an 18-wheeler truck that startled me. I was now fully awake! I saw the shadow of a women who had walked in front of the truck then stopped, frozen in place.

Don’t get surprised by events in your life

It’s a good thing that the truck driver was paying attention and didn’t hit her, but it scared her pretty good. I ran over and got her out of the way and walked her over to the waiting area by the restroom. She was tired and didn’t realize she had walked in front of an oncoming 18 wheeler semi-truck.

How many times in our lives do we get caught in the headlights of life and really mess things up? I have been there and have learned to be aware of my surroundings: socially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Knowing the pitfalls of life can keep you out of trouble. No one is immune from disasters in life. Preventing them is key to staying out of trouble. If you feel awkward in a social setting, just mind your P’s and Q’s and watch what you say. I remember one event where I happened to meet Peter Noone of Herman’s Hermits (for you younger people a well known British music group like the Beatles). As we stood there talking with him, my girlfriend at the time blurted out, “We love you Peter!” I looked at her then at him and felt so awkward! Then I said, “Well Peter, she loves you and I think you sing pretty good!” He burst out laughing as I felt my face flush red, and my girlfriend stood there grinning ear-to-ear. Looking back, I should have just kept my mouth shut. I look back today and laugh about it.

Many of us hate to admit that we have been caught in the headlights and are unaware of what’s going on around us. A client of mine wanted some ideas on how to get out of a bad relationship. We discussed what would happen if she stayed in her unhappy relationship. She went through all the possibilities of being financially destitute and losing her peace of mind. She agreed with me and assured me she would look at all of her options. She delayed making any decisions then when the moment of truth came upon her, she knew her life was going to change, she acted as though she was caught off guard. She called and told me how upset she was and wished she had listened to me and acted sooner. This was entirely preventable but her indecision got her into trouble.

Getting caught in the headlights of life is preventable. If you plan for the bumps in the road you will not get caught off guard. You may ask how can I prevent getting caught off guard. Here are a few of my suggestions.
Make a list of areas that you often find yourself being caught off guard. My list looks like this: Social, emotional, spiritual and physical.
•   What is the worst that can happen to you if you’re not prepared? What is the best that can happen to you if you are prepared? This way of thinking can prevent unexpected problems, so plan ahead!
•   Who causes you the most grief? Who brings you the most joy and happiness? There are times that you may need to eliminate high maintenance people out of your life and that’s OK. It will pay off in the long run. You have heard me say this before, “hang around people that are better then you are. They will set the high standards that will keep you on track.”
•   Take notes about past failures. Journaling is key to helping you see the patterns that trip you up.
These are pretty simple steps to help you stay out of the headlights of unexpected issues that come your way.

Do you fail to see bad situations that come your way and need help in seeing them from afar? Do you often get caught unaware? Do you keep looking back at past mistakes trying to figure out what happened? Call Dr. Mike and he can help you with some of these problems. You call him at 303.456.0555

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. His services are affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching and counseling for those who live out of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

Posted in Life in general | Tagged beatles, Dr. Mike divorce coach and counselor, headlights, herman's hermits, life, peter noone, unhappy relationship | Leave a comment

Who Are The Judas’s In Your Life?

Posted on March 25, 2013 by drbrooks

Betrayal is one of the worst feelings you will ever experience in your lifetime. We all have had it happen to us in one way or another. The feelings of hurt and pain can last a lifetime. I was watching a mini-series on the Bible last night and was wondering how they would promote Judas. Judas appeared to be a close friend of Jesus and the rest of the disciples. He ate with them, traveled with them and even had a close relationship with them. Jesus knew that Judas was about to betray him.

Do you have a Judas in your life without knowing it?

Today many of us don’t know who the Judas’s are in our lives. We find out through gossip, the legal system, and the newspapers and realize our world has fallen apart. I have seen people used in the game of betrayal. Families turn on other family members, co-workers turn on co-workers, and friends betray friends. Betrayal is as old as life itself. History tells of many stories of betrayal through the centuries.

Here are two of my favorite quotes on betrayal:
• “It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.” —William Blake
• When denial (his or ours) can no longer hold and we finally have to admit to ourselves that we’ve been lied to, we search frantically for ways to keep it from disrupting our lives. So we rationalize. We find “good reasons” to justify his lying, just as he almost always accompanies his confessions with “good reasons” for his lies. He tells us he only lied because…. We tell ourselves he only lied because…. We make excuses for him: The lying wasn’t significant/Everybody lies/He’s only human/I have no right to judge him.

Allowing the lies to register in our consciousness means having to make room for any number of frightening possibilities:

• He’s not the man I thought he was.
• The relationship has spun out of control and I don’t know
what to do
• The relationship may be over.

Most women will do almost anything to avoid having to face these truths. Even if we yell and scream at him when we discover that he’s lied to us, once the dust settles, most of us will opt for the comforting territory of rationalization. In fact, many of us are willing to rewire our senses, short-circuit our instincts and intelligence, and accept the seductive comfort of self-delusion.”
? Susan Forward
• “Many partners of addicts have told me they feel bad about themselves for staying in the relationship because of the betrayal they’ve experienced. They imagine that the people who know their past judge them to be stupid for staying with the person who’s caused them so much pain. I often counter this thinking, explaining that leaving may seem quick and easy because they can pretend they’re okay and the problem has disappeared. However, if you leave your relationship, you’ll be stuck with your pain and sorrow without the person you loved to help you sort it out. Why is this true? Because even though it feels as if your pain comes from your partner, it’s actually coming from inside you.”
Alexandra Katehakis

How do you deal with someone who betrays you? There are many things you can do. I would encourage you to talk to the one who has betrayed you and find out what their reasons are. Get some answers before you end a relationship with them. Some of your friends who have betrayed you are going to make excuses. Some will admit to it and will truly apologize for their betrayal. The people you will see through will be the ones who don’t care about hurting you as long as it’s benefiting them.

Here are a few tips on dealing with someone that has betrayed you:
•   Do not talk bad about the person who betrayed you, don’t stoop to that level. Keep your name clean from retaliation and bitterness.
•   Have a few friends that you can trust and share your deep thoughts with. Don’t tell the world your troubles. Many will be more than happy to share any information that you tell in private.
•   Do you have friends that are gossips? You know that they will share your secrets if they are gossiping about others.
•   Forgive yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for someone who betrayed you. Just be careful who you tell private information to.

These are pretty simple rules to live by and keep you out of trouble. If you have a gut feeling that tells you not to share something with the person you’re sitting across from, then don’t! We all have instincts that warn us about the some of the people we hang out with. I will tell you, age makes no difference when it comes to betrayal. It happens on all age levels. Men and women both violate each other and education and wealth doesn’t matter.

My advice to you is: “Move on!” Don’t waste a lot of time and energy on the person who has betrayed you. There will always be a Judas walking around looking for a victim, don’t let that person be you!

Do you have any Judas’s in your life that you need to let go of? Are you fearful of those who have betrayed you and don’t know what to do? Do you need to confront someone that has betrayed you and need help in planning how to confront them? Are you dealing with bitterness from someone that has betrayed you and need help in moving on? If you answered yes to any of these questions give Dr. Mike a call he can help you! Call him at 303.456.0555

Posted in Life in general | Tagged Betrayal, do you have friends that are gossips, don't talk bad about the person, don't waste time, Dr. Mike Brooks, forgive yourself, gossip, have friends you can trust, hurt and pain, Judas, legal system, move on, Skype | 1 Comment

Refuse To Be A Victim (Part 2)

Posted on March 22, 2013 by drbrooks

Refuse To Be A Victim

Remember Teddy Roosevelt, Jackie Robinson and Helen Keller? Are you familiar with their life stories? All these folks overcame huge obstacles in their lives. Teddy Roosevelt had severe health issues. Jackie Robinson had racism to deal with, and Helen Keller was blind and mute. If these people can overcome life’s challenges, then you certainly can too. It’s up to you! You have to believe in yourself and make things happen in your life.

Take Back Your Life Now!

I counsel men and women who blame the negative circumstances in their lives for their ongoing faults and failures. For example, they blame their divorce for the many reasons they can’t move on. I tell them that divorce is not the end of the world, but the beginning of a new chapter in your life. There are times your life is going to change. Some days it’s not going to be comfortable and you will lose sleep over it. I want you to look at today and what your future holds for you. You have to grow where you are planted, as my mother would always say. We have a choice to pout and do nothing or get back up and move on to our next adventure.

I have clients who say that their disabilities prevent them from doing the things they have dreamed of. I understand that someone who has had a spine injury will most likely not play in the NFL. The physical limitations that we have to live with can restrict us from doing some activities. Take a look at Joni Erickson Tada and how she has overcome being paralyzed from the neck down. As a teenager, she enjoyed riding horses, hiking, tennis, and swimming. In July of 1967, she dove into a shallow area in the Chesapeake Bay and broker her neck. She had a fracture between her fourth and fifth cervical and became a quadriplegic. During her two years of intense rehabilitation, according to her own words, she experienced anger, depression, suicidal thoughts, and religious doubts. She was angry at life and was very discouraged. How many of you can relate with Joni?

Then something amazing happened in her life. She accepted her unfortunate circumstances and became victorious over them. She learned how to write and paint. By placing the paintbrush between her teeth and has created some incredible paintings. She has also written several books-40 to be exact-and has her own radio show. She has led the way for many who are disabled and has given them the encouragement to step out of the role of being a victim. Of you are using your physical disability or your aches and pains to prevent you from fulfilling your dreams, look no further than Joni Erickson Tada.

Another excuse I hear often is that some folks feel they can’t do what they want because of their lack of education. Many use this “victim card” which prevents them from becoming successful. I understand that many don’t have the education they want because of bad grades or lack money to go to a college, trade or a tech school. It’s never too late to go back to school. We may have to work several jobs in order to do so, but if there is a will there is a way. It’s up to you to make things happen. I have seen some disadvantaged high school students make it through college on sheer determination. They planned out their life and made their dreams happen because they didn’t want to be a victim of their circumstances. Many have successful careers as doctors and lawyers.

Do you want to better your life and don’t know how? Are you using the victim card as an excuse to not better yourself? Do you want to know the difference between being a victim and a victor? Do you want to know the traits of a winner and apply them to your life so you can be successful too? If you answered yes to any of these questions give Dr. Mike a call he can help you.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. His services are affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching and counseling for those who live out of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call At 303.456.0555. You’ll be glad you did!

Posted in Life in general | Tagged Helen Keller, Jackie Robinson, Skype | Leave a comment