What Makes Negative People So Negative? (2) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Posted on August 11, 2015 by drbrooks

Last week we covered the types of negative people that you may come across. They could be your family members, close friend, even people you work with. This week we will be giving you tools on how to live and deal with these negative people in your life.
Who are these negative people in our lives and where do they come from? I see a lot of negativity in marriages, business relationships, immediate families members and close friendships. Let’s look at married couples. Many will fight over some of the remarks from a negative spouse. Area’s that couples will have martial negative discourse is in communication styles, finances, how to raise children, sex, jobs, etc.

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If you’re the spouse of a negative person there are essential tools that you must have in your tool kit in dealing with them. One of the first things I would encourage you to do is not have a knee jerk reaction to what is said and directed at you.

Have a plan on how to deal with a negative attitude in your spouse or anyone for that matter. Let them know that you want to work on better communication that will reduce negative or critical thinking in the marriage. Have a plan when they start becoming negative in their thinking. You will need address why they are being negative and get their input as to why they said something negative to you and the reason why. This process will take some time but well worth the effort you put into it. You need to be patient as this will take time for both of you to work through this process. Remember most negative people have been angry, disappointed and hurt over a period of time.

My tips for dealing with negative people.
? Avoid bringing up the N-Negative word and accusing them of being negative..this will only inflame the situation.
? Don’t argue with a negative person and try to change them.
? Encourage open and honest discussions with a negative person.
? If you feel that your talk with a negative person is not going well, end your discussion and move on.
? Turn your talk with a negative person into a positive one.
? Negative tend to blame others for their problems instead of accepting any responsibility for their actions..understand this concept.
? If you need to talk to someone about a negative friend, talk to someone you can trust and will not gossip or share what you’ve talked about.
? Always encourage a negative person, praise them when they do things that are helpful or nice for you or others.
? Send positive notes, or make phones calls that are encouraging to your negative friend.

These actions are helpful and can at least get you headed in the right direction when dealing with a negative individual.
I like to invite negative people to my BBQ’s at the house. I ask all kinds of people to attend, people from work, different back grounds, different hobbies and add the negative person to the mix. It’s amazing that the negative person seems to so busy meeting people there is no time to be negative or critical of others. They walked away feeling pretty good about themselves and meeting new people. It’s worth a shot to try.

Do you need help in dealing with a negative person in your life, it could be a family member, friend or even a co-worker? Are you a negative person who needs help in eliminating a negative thoughts and actions? Are you struggling with trying to eliminate a negative person out of your life? If you answered yes to any of these questions please give Dr. Mike a call he can help you find solutions to some of these questions. Call him at 303.456.0555 today!

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and Life Coaching Services. His services are affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone 303.456.0555 or via Skype at drmike45. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life counseling and life coaching. We come to you when you need us most.

Dr. Michael Brooks
Applicable Counseling & Coaching Services
Web: www.applicablecoaching.com
Blog: http://applicablecoaching.com/blog.php
Web: http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/
Blog:http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/blog/
E-mail: mike@applicablecoaching.com
Office: 303.456.0555
Cell: 303.880.9878

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What Makes Negative People So Negative? (1)

Posted on July 21, 2015 by drbrooks

What Makes Negative People So Negative?(1) By Dr. Michael Brooks

I was listening to a negative friend of mine talk at a lunch we attended with several friends. He was down on so many things in life including his friends, his job and life in general. He complained about the world and the weather and anything on the news..he didn’t miss a beat with his negativity. I kept thinking about this man and the miserable life he said that he had. His whole life was centered about being negative and downcast. I rarely ever saw him happy about anything. I saw him work a room with his negativity. People that arrived happy to an event he attended usually left quietly and avoided him. Do you have people like that in your life?

Stay the course when fighting for your marriage

Negative People In Your Life Need Boundaries Set By You!

These kind of people can suck the life right out of you. They may not know it, but you sure do. And more often than not you avoid these kind of folks even if their your close family or good friends. So where do you find these kind of people? well they may be co-workers, family members, close friends, church friends and even friends in school. They come on all shapes, sizes gender and ages. They may be your parents, might be a club member, they can be anyone in your life.

What makes negative people so negative? Well my guess is many failures in life starting in someone’s childhood. I have seen it start with kids pickup games in grade school. I’m sure you can remember when you would get a group of kids trying to pick sides for a softball or kickball game. Usually the best players were picked first and the unskilled kids we’ll were picked last. I can tell you from my past experiences, I was always picked last in basketball, but in touch football or softball picked first…so I know the feeling of last picked and being first picked. When I was last picked it was pretty devastating at times. Let’s face it not all of us are good at every sport. But it does have an impact on kids that carry on into adult life. Being negative starts pretty young in life. If someone falls on hard times and they don’t get needed help from family or friends this can fuel into becoming negative. I’ve known people who reached out for any kind of help and not one person came to their aid. This rejection from family and friends creates negativity as well. So in my humble opinion I believe that rejection, anger, disappointments, un-met expatiations from people create a perfect environment for being negative.

This is just an opinion but I think some folks are just outright scared to confront a negative person. They don’t want the hassle of a verbal fight or being challenged. They don’t want to be embarrassed by a negative person who will continue the fight.  Most negative people have a tendency to exaggerate or focus on their negativity, and ignore anything positive. When they become negative with you, don’t enforce their being negative by arguing with them. Just defuse the situation by non-committal responses. Like “OK” or “I see” it works very well. The less you argue with negative people the better. This keeps you out of their line of fire. That is a key point to remember “don’t argue with negative people about their negativity.” You will get absolutely nowhere by arguing with them.
In next week’s article I will be giving you some tips on how to deal with these negative people in your life or someone that you may know.

Do you need help in dealing with a negative person in your life, it could be a family member, friend or even a co-worker? Are you a negative person who needs help in eliminating a negative thoughts and actions? Are you struggling with trying to eliminate a negative person out of your life? If you answered yes to any of these questions please give Dr. Mike a call he can help you find solutions to some of these questions. Call him at 303.456.0555 today!

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and Life Coaching Services. His services are affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone 303.456.0555 or via Skype at drmike45. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life counseling and life coaching. We come to you when you need us most.

Dr. Michael Brooks
Applicable Counseling & Coaching Services
Web: www.applicablecoaching.com
Blog: http://applicablecoaching.com/blog.php
Web: http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/
Blog:http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/blog/
E-mail: mike@applicablecoaching.com
Office: 303.456.0555
Cell: 303.880.9878

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Accepting Responsibility For Your Life By Dr. Michael Brooks

Posted on June 30, 2015 by drbrooks

Accepting Responsibility For Your Life By Dr. Michael Brooks

How often have you looked at the people that you know and wonder how in the world do these people get themselves into so much trouble? Look at all the professional athletes who find themselves in trouble. There is no accountability partner for their actions. Most people let them get away with their bad behavior and chalk it up to entitlement privileges.

The Quietness Of Divorce Can Be Healing

Learn to take responsibility for your actions

It’s the same with entertainers. Look at Miley Ray Cyrus, she was a role model for many of our kids several years ago through Disney Productions. Many are wondering what happened to her? Many of her video productions are sexual in nature and not for children. She doesn’t seem to care whatsoever. She flips it in your face.

Look at some of our politicians today. We vote them in because we either trust them or pick the lessor of two evils. Yet, they fail us on a daily basis. I’m talking about both democrats and republicans.

I look back growing up and any mistakes that I made, I learned from them. I was responsible for all my actions. I didn’t blame others like so many do today. Its so easy to see that adults today blame their circumstances on their parents. If only I had or my parents would have done things differently. I hear so many stories with the clients I work with. Let’s face it, it’s pretty easy to blame others for the mistakes we make and many will accept that as an acceptable answer.

Blaming others seems to be the norm these days. Its up to you to make the necessary changes to have a better life. I will tell you it takes hard work to get anywhere these days. Nothing will be handed to you. Have a plan and go for it. Accept the responsibility for all your actions, good or bad. Sometimes life can be hard and life can be difficult. You have to realize that you are ultimately responsible for your own life and your own actions. You don’t want to be at the mercy of others who don’t always have your best interests at heart. You need to fend for yourself. My tips for accepting responsibility for yourself:

Don’t assume others will understand your actions or the intent
Immediately be responsible for all your actions
Don’t blame others for your screw-ups
If you need help in correcting your bad behavior get it
Speak truthfully when admitting your wrongs
Being responsible means being honest
The best advice I can give you is always be up front when taking responsibility for your actions. It will pay off in the long run.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and Life Coaching Services. His services are affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone 303.456.0555 or via Skype at drmike45. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life counseling and life coaching. We come to you when you need us most.

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Please, Just Admit You’re Wrong! By Dr. Michael Brooks

Posted on June 23, 2015 by drbrooks

Please, just Admit You’re Wrong! By Dr. Michael Brooks

Have you ever listened to someone making excuses when you knew they were wrong? I remember listening to a friend of mine arguing with a Burger King order taker. He claims that he didn’t want ketchup or mustard on his burger just onions. I was standing right next to him when he made his order and he didn’t say anything about not having ketchup or mustard on his hamburger. I listened as he was demanding a new burger and how incompetent she was when taking his lunch order. She complied with him and gave him his new order. I turned towards him and said you didn’t say anything about your burger order. He told me I didn’t hear him order. I just dropped it and let it go.

Don't lose your sanity through your divorce

Admit you’ve wronged someone and get the peace of mind in doing so.

Some people just can’t admit that they’re wrong no matter what they say. I feel it’s much better to admit your wrong and be done with it. One of the things I’ve noticed in today’s world if you say something questionable people will pull out their smart phones and question the validity of your statement and Google it. Have you ever noticed people do that at a luncheon? It’s at an alarming rate.

I know it’s hard for some people to admit they are wrong. It’s extremely painful for some of us to say “I was wrong, sorry”. Many marriages may have one of the spouses feel that if they admit their wrong they have a lost the battle. Not sure why some individuals feel that way but they do. If you sense in any way that you are wrong just say so. It takes a bigger person to admit they have messed up. I guess for some it’s a pride issue and they can’t admit to any fault in any way shape or form.

Here are my tips for questioning if you’ve been wrong.

  • If you feel any regrets that you’ve wronged someone go to that person and say you’re sorry (big step for some).
  • If you have wronged someone in the past go and make things right. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself and that other person.
  • Be the bigger person and take that first step in making things right between you and the other person.
  • There is no shame in admitting your wrong.
  • Get closure and move forward once you’ve admitted you were wrong.

In closing, I can recall a client who never seemed to be able to say they were sorry for hurting someone. They had to be talked into saying they were sorry. This person could never admit to making any mistakes and usually blamed others for their faults and wrong doings. Then one day she were called out publicly in front of a large crowd for something she did. That changed her attitude about admitting she was wrong. How? Publically being embarrassed.  Don’t wait to be called out. Take the first step and if you screwed up admit it, you’ll be better off in the long run. Trust me!

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and Life Coaching Services. His services are affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone 303.456.0555 or via Skype at drmike45. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life counseling and life coaching. We come to you when you need us most.

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When Is It Time To Confront? By Dr. Michael Brooks

Posted on June 15, 2015 by drbrooks

When is it time to confront? By Dr. Michael Brooks

I was trying to decide when I should confront a friend who I knew was having an affair on his wife. I was troubled as I have never done anything like that before. I was wondering if I going to lose a friendship over my confrontation. Then I asked myself what was my purpose and motive? Was I wrong in my actions? I struggled and tried to talk myself out of confronting my friend face to face. The nagging feeling that I carried and the sleepless nights is what determined my next steps.

frustrated couple

Have you ever had to confront someone over their actions, and I am not unnecessarily talking about an affair. Maybe it was something they were being dishonest with you about something. Maybe you didn’t appreciate the way they spoke to you. Possibly you caught them being dishonest in your business dealings with them.

I have shared my feelings about confrontations. I think they are important and necessary at times. For most of us we would rather have a root canal done before we face off with someone who has done us wrong. My thought on the right time and the motive behind a confrontation is based on how I feel in my gut. If it bothers me and is constantly on my mind it’s time to go sit down and have a talk.

If you can’t sleep because you are thinking about how you have been mistreated then by all means plan a sit down meeting. Some folks have no clue they have wronged you and would like to know if they have. That’s why it’s so important to get things ironed out as soon as possible. Don’t let time pass by and nothing has been done.

My tips on making this happen and having a plan:
• Make sure that the grievance is valid and not petty
• Avoid making the issues bigger then it seems
• Don’t bring others into your disagreement
• Settle it by yourself with no audience
• Have facts not your opinions
• Be calm and listen to responses from other party
• Try to compromise if possible
• Make all attempts to reconcile
• If you can’t get resolve then move on and drop it
• If you need a third party as a witness get one (not for minor indifference’s)
• Try to part ways if other personally attacks you or will not talk with you

Most confrontations will go pretty smoothly unless it’s a major snafu or a big relationship problem i.e. affairs, divorce, family feuds, etc. Then you may need some help in planning your next steps.

I made an appointment to meet my friend and we sat down and talked. We spoke for several hours and yes I was extremely uncomfortable when I first started our meeting. I had a well thought out plan and believe me it went better then I planned. He admitted that what he was doing was wrong and he was glad that someone had enough courage to speak with him. He stopped his affair and is now working on his marriage. Sometimes when we’re just not sure what our next steps should be take some time and write your thoughts down on paper and mull them over. Don’t rush into judgments or make accusations. You need to deal with facts.

Do you need help in planning to confront a family member or your spouse? Are you struggling with painful memories that someone caused you and you want to talk with them? Are you looking for help in moving on with your life after an affair? If you answered yes to any of these questions give Dr. Mike a call 303.456.0555. He is available to help you.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and Life Coaching Services. His services are affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching and counseling.

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When Things Just Don’t Go Your Way By Dr. Michael Brooks

Posted on June 9, 2015 by drbrooks

When Things Just Don’t Go Your Way By Dr. Michael Brooks

Have you ever planned a trip that wasn’t supposed to be a bad in any way? You had everything covered. The right people were going to watch your house take care of your pets. You had people who were going to take out the trash, cut your grass. This trip was a get go from the start. Nothing could ruin it because you planned well ahead in advance. Then the call came, your boss said that you were needed in the office and he couldn’t afford to let you leave on your trip. The company’s product line was in jeopardy. You were the only one who could fix this problem. The unexpected happened and was out of your control. Have you had days like that?

Who Are We When No One Is Looking?

Who Are We When No One Is Looking?

I’ve had many clients share that they get overly stressed when thing don’t go their way. The kids get sick when they have an evening planned out with their spouse or friends. You get stuck in traffic and have to be at an appointment and you wonder if it’s too late still to go your meeting. An unexpected auto repair causes you to forgo a treat that you had planned to buy yourself. How do you deal with these unplanned kinds of circumstances? Do you bury your head in the sand, or do you blast the people in your life and let them get the brunt of your disappointment? I think it’s important to have alternate plans just in case your plans fail to materialize. If you’re supposed to be at an important meeting what is an alternative route to take just in case there is a road closure? Do you plan in advance for things out of your control. If you don’t, I think it’s best that you do and know that you have all your bases covered.

If you need a baby sitter do you have someone you can trust be next in line if your first choice bails on you. I had a client who was supposed to go to a very important dinner with her boss and management team. Her aunt Lynn would always be the sitter she could count on and never worried about her not being able to make it. The time she was needed she had the flu and my client was frustrated. My client had to miss her dinner meeting and missed out on a lot of important discussions.

If you’re having marriage problems, do you think about getting help or waiting at the last minute to get help and when it’s too late? In relationships you shouldn’t wait till the last minute. What usually happens is that the relationship fails. When you notice problems are growing then deal with it immediately. I like to compare marriage problems to when your check engine red light comes on. For most of us we seek help immediately and get the advice of our mechanic to get the problem with the engine diagnosed and repaired. You can’t have the attitude “that things aren’t going my way” and do nothing about it!

Plan on getting the necessary help needed in repairing your relationships. It’s important to work on your marriage or relationships with family and friends. I’ve heard so many people share the regrets of not taking the initial steps in making things right between a broken relationship. Many people pass on and the repairing and restoring of a relationship is lost forever. I had a former friend of mine wanting to contact me last year in the spring. The call came from a friend of mine asking if I could give this former friend of mine a call. We hadn’t spoken in nearly 25 years and my buddy shared that John had an aggressive form of bladder cancer. Bruce gave me the number and without hesitation I called John. We spoke briefly and started to reconnect with frequent phone calls. John and I reminisced about the issues he had with me and several others. Looking back now the problem was started by someone who gossiped about John and he thought it was from our group. When John found out who it was he wanted to reconnect with me. Over the years I reached out to John with no luck.

Now that he was dying from cancer he wanted to make things right. He passed away after 2 months of reconnecting with me. His wife and son were thrilled that John and I talked things out and things were made right between us. This is what I’m suggesting, if things don’t go your way, have an alternate game plan in your relationships, businesses, and personal agendas. Things don’t get better unless someone makes an effort to make things happen. That needs to be you. In closing, make sure that you plan out major events with alternative back up plans. Leave out no details and plan accordingly. If you need help in making things right in your relationships give Dr. Mike a call at 303.456.0555.

Do you need help in resolving issues in your life that are troublesome and will not go away? Do you need to start making changes in some of your relationships and don’t know how? Do you need direction in next steps for resolving conflicts in your marriage? If you answered yes to any of these questions give Dr. Mike a call he can help you. In addition, online/phone/Skype Counseling and Life Coaching is affordable, accessible, anonymous, and available by appointment, from the privacy of your own home. Avoid the travel and time it takes to get my office. Since you never have to leave the comfort of your own home to meet with me, your anonymity and privacy is completely secured.

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Through Disasters We All Stand Together By Dr. Michael Brooks

Posted on June 1, 2015 by drbrooks

Through disasters we all stand together By Dr. Michael Brooks

Looking back through our lives, what personal disasters have you personally encountered? Was it a divorce, separation, a loss of a loved one? Maybe you lost your job? For sure our personal disasters come in all shapes and sizes. They strike young and old, healthy and unhealthy. It’s not respecters of wealth or poverty. At one time or another we will face some kind of disaster in our life time.

Divorce Doesn't Mean Your Life Is Over

Divorce Doesn’t Mean Your Life Is Over

I have seen people come together for the purpose of helping others through their disasters when never asked. It amazes me when people step up to help others in need, the good feeling you can get by simply saying “how can I help you,” goes a long way!

I got off the phone with a hurting client, and as I looked out my office window and peered out watching the fog roll by and hearing the rain pelting the window pane. I pondered on how I could encourage this hurting woman and the pain she was struggling with. She shared some deep hurts and wasn’t sure how to get past them. She needed answers in solving her problems.

We’ve all had our own share of disasters, the question is how do we deal with them? I feel that many of us are a strong support for those in need and will help anyway we can. I had a client who was going through a rough spot in her life. Her husband had abandoned her with 3 small children. He was a drinker and failed to provide the necessary needs for their family. He spent money on alcohol and other women. She was a wits end and just wanted out for their children’s sake. Her husband was a part time dad when sober and her 2 boys and 1 daughter needed a dad. He made promises that he couldn’t keep and the pain it caused her kids was unbearable.

She filed for divorce and he drank himself to death, suicide by the bottle as some say. She needed support from family and friends and believe me she got lots of it. Many helped her through an extremely difficult time in her life. Have you had times you’ve needed somebody and very few showed up to comfort you? Or you may know of someone who is a struggling friend or acquaintance and they need you to help them face their problems. I want to give you some tips for helping friends going through disasters. Try them and see how you can be that lifeline to a hurting friend or family member.
• Listen carefully before you start to plan. Very few listen and want to help immediately. Sometimes you can’t do anything but listen. This is key.
• Get all the facts before reaching out. Sometimes once you hear the details you may not be able to help but will only cause more harm to the situation.
• Don’t commit to quickly, reassure your friend or family member that you will help them sort out the facts from opinions.
• Know what your limitations are and stick to them.
• Don’t over commit.
• Be the voice of reason and not the voice of insanity.
• Know when to back out if you feel taken advantage of.

These tips will help you be a responsible friend and keep you out of trouble. After all you want to help someone in need not add to their pain. Take time to gather facts, don’t be an enabler, don’t rush into judgment.

Are you struggling with problems that just won’t go away? Are you needing someone to help you sort things out? Do you need someone that will just listen and not judge you? If you answered yes to any of these questions give Dr. Mike a call he can help you.

Letting go can open all kinds of doors for you

Letting go can open all kinds of doors for you

In addition, online/phone/Skype Counseling and Life Coaching is affordable, accessible, anonymous, and available by appointment, from the privacy of your own home. Avoid the travel and time it takes to get my office. Since you never have to leave the comfort of your own home to meet with me, your anonymity and privacy is completely secured.

Dr. Michael Brooks
Applicable Counseling & Coaching Services
Web: www.applicablecoaching.com
Blog: http://applicablecoaching.com/blog.php
Web: http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/
Blog:http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/blog/
E-mail: mike@applicablecoaching.com
Office: 303.456.0555
Cell: 303.880.9878

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“State Of The Union” (2) For Relationships By Dr. Michael Brooks

Posted on May 20, 2015 by Michael Brooks

“State Of The Union” (2) By Dr. Michael Brooks

In continuing from last week’s article we are wrapping up with this short series article titled “The State Of The Union.” How to have a better marriage while learning to communicate well with each other. This week I have listed several questions that you can sit down with your partner and go over the questions with them. Marriages can always get better no matter how well you think they are. How does a good marriage happen, by checking in from time to time with your partner. Don’t wait till your relationship is in trouble to begin your talks.

Learning to listen to your partner is key to a great relationship!

Learning to listen to your partner is key to a great relationship!

I get lots of questions from the articles I write and believe me several article idea’s have come from you my readers. I thought the question I received below is a great question and worth sharing my thoughts on. Just a side note feel free to email me with your questions or give me a call anytime. So here is the question I received last week.

“Dr. Mike, I would just love to sit down with my husband and talk about where our marriage is going. He’s a good man, I know he loves me but I want to know what he thinks about our marriage. I want to ask him how I can be a better wife to him and share how he can be a better husband to me. Am I wrong in my thinking?” Lori in Golden, CO

Not at all Lori, by the way this is a great question. I listed below some helpful hints for having a state of the union meeting. One that will help you communicate effectively.

• How do you see our future together? Do you know what that looks like from your perspective and your partners perspective? Do you have plans for the next 5, 10 and 15 years. What are your goals for yourself and your relationship? Have you planned out your vacations, bucket lists, retirement?

• Do you honestly trust me? Trust is huge in a marriage and without it you will have a difficult time moving forward and growing your marriage. This question can be a difficult one to ask. Yet, if you feel like it’s not there then it needs to be addressed and not put off for another day. Trust is earned and not demanded.

• How do you truly feel about our relationship? If you feel it’s on the downward slope and want to salvage it then it’s imperative to seek help immediately, don’t delay and think it will get better on its own. Most likely it will not and you will need the tools to help you gain control and heal your relationship.

• Are we both willing to make the necessary changes needed to have a better marriage? If you’re both willing and see the importance of agreeing to making changes then you’re headed in the right direction. If you feel that making changes is against your best interests then you will need help in finding a compromise that will work for you. Both must be willing to come to the table and talk things out. Some people are not interested in doing anything to help improve or repair a relationship.

• Are we going through a bad time? Most relationships have the good and bad times. We may be angry at our spouse for doing or saying something stupid, that doesn’t mean we’re madly in love with them when do dumb things. Ask the question are we going through a bad time or is this a serious issue that we may need help on.

• Do you feel accepted by your spouse? If you are struggling with feeling loved and appreciated and accepted by your spouse. It’s very important to feel support from the one you love and if you don’t feel that you need to speak up and let them know. If your spouse has been saying they don’t feel loved and appreciated by you, then you need to show them or find ways of appreciation. Doing things for them that they need and like are key ways to show them they are accepted by you.

• Do you want out of the marriage? If you feel that your marriage is at a breaking point or hopeless then you need to ask this question. You need to know if they are willing to get some help to try to salvage your relationship and get counseling. If not then you need to prepare for next steps and move forward. Remember divorce is not cheap and once you start the process it’s going to be hard on both of you.

These are a few state of the union questions I would ask your spouse when you’re ready. Use questions that are helpful and not judging them. The role of a judger question is not helpful when you’re simply trying to promote good conversation to build a better marriage. The state of the union should be done without any interruptions. Turn off your cell phones, TV and focus on each other. That’s key!

Do you need a state of the union meeting with your partner and are concerned on how it will be rejected? Do you want a meeting with your spouse and need guidelines to help you? Is your marriage on the brink of divorce and you want to try to save it before going to divorce court? Dr. Mike I’m not sure how this state of the union works and need some more information on it can I call you?

If you answered yes to any of these questions feel free to give Dr. Mike a call he can help you with your next steps.

In addition, online/phone Counseling and Life Coaching is affordable, accessible, anonymous, and available by appointment, from the privacy of your own home. Avoid the travel and time it takes to get my office. Since you never have to leave the comfort of your own home to meet with me, your anonymity and privacy is completely secured.

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“State Of The Union” (1) Message for married couples By Dr. Michael Brooks

Posted on May 11, 2015 by drbrooks

I get lots of questions from the articles that I write and believe me several article idea’s have come from you my readers. I thought the question I received below is a great question and worth sharing my thoughts on. Just a side note feel free to email me with your questions or give me a call anytime. So here is the question I received last week.

Saving a dead marriage, takes a lot of work. Do you have what it takes?

Saving a dead marriage, takes a lot of work. Do you have what it takes?

“Dr. Mike, I would just love to sit down with my husband and talk about where our marriage is going. He’s a good man, I know he loves me but I want to know what he thinks about our marriage. I want to ask him how I can be a better wife to him and share how he can be a better husband to me. Am I wrong in my thinking?” Lori in Golden, CO

Lori, absolutely not. I think it’s crucial to have a time set aside to talk about the condition of your marriage. It may be a fantastic marriage but sitting down and talking about your feelings and what expectations you may have about your marriage is a good thing. If your marriage is struggling and needs some work sitting down can open good lines of communication and help you get back on track. How often should we have a state of the union meeting to see where our marriage is at? That depends, for some once a year for others quarterly and others monthly. It totally depends on you and what your needs are as a couple. Remember, the purpose of the State of the union is to bring attention to the condition of your marriage whether good or bad.

The purpose of your meeting is not to humiliate or bring attention to the failures of each other, but to try to open the doors of communication and bridge the gap by being open and honest. Don’t go into your State Of The Union meeting with an attitude of sharing just the good contributions and not the failures in your marriage. You need to come up with a plan to help maintain a healthy relationship and fix the problems that can be addressed and worked on.

So how does this work when one of the partners is dragging their feet or refuses to sit down and talk? The plain truth of the matter is the marriage is doomed to die unless both come to the table and be brutally honest with each other. Being a taker and not being part of the solution will cause the death of your marriage as well. Trust me on this, I have seen this more then I care to say. There is no reason for any relationship to die on the vine unless one of the partners has their own agenda and will not work the marriage by pure and truthful communication.

The purpose of the state of the union is for each of you to share what the condition your marriage is in. Talk about the ups and downs, the good things and the bad. After sharing you both need to come to an agreement and sit down and talk over the things you both feel are important and the changes you both would like to see made. The state of the union is also supposed to help find answers in resolving conflicts and issues in your marriage.

Then make a list and make sure that your list is not a list of attacks but things you’re willing to finally once and for all get it out in the open. It may be painful but resolution is key to making healing happen. The state of the union is not a spectator sport for either of you but a real effort in making your marriage better and healing the wounds and hurts caused over time. Forgiveness is key during this process of letting go of the past and moving forward to a healthy and vibrant marriage.

Questions that each of you should ask yourself before sitting down and talking with your partner. Then use these questions below for your “The State Of The Union meeting!” These are great questions that will help promote better understanding in your marriage.

•    Are your talking points important and causing friction between you and your spouse? Is it spending more time together, or making time to sit down and talk. You both have needs that you may want to cover during your meeting time. Your needs may not be as important to your spouse visa versa. Find a solution that works for both of you and make it happen.
•    What are the key issues that need to be talked about? Don’t be afraid to talk about difficult matters. If you avoid talking about sensitive issues then nothing gets resolved and that’s the point of the State Of The Union meetings.
•    What do I do that bothers you? A simple question for sure but also one that partners fail to be open and honest about. I know we don’t like hearing about negatives about us, but if don’t know what they are how can we fix them? You can share what bothers you about your spouse in a kind and loving way.
•    Do you feel and know that I love you? Sometimes in the busyness of our lives we often wonder if our spouse really loves us. We don’t say it enough or show it by our actions. Just a simple “I love you” can go a long way. I’m not suggesting once a year either.
•    Do you feel that you can talk with me and know that I am listening? Many couples list this is as a top reason for discord in a marriage. So many times we just don’t allow our partner to talk with us. Many times we interrupt and will not allow the spouse to talk.
•    Are there issues that are unresolved that you want to talk about? This is a big one and couples will get bogged down on this. Listen if you have a problem that keeps coming up then its best to get help for closure and moving forward. If it’s an issue that hasn’t been resolved and little time has been spent on talking it out by all means sit down and discuss it.

Next week we will be continuing our list of questions for your “State Of The Union” Talk with your spouse. If you have any questions please give me a call.

Do you need a state of the union meeting with your partner and are concerned on how it will be rejected? Do you want a meeting with your spouse and need guidelines to help you? Is your marriage on the brink of divorce and you want to try to save it before going to divorce court? Dr. Mike I’m not sure how this state of the union works and need some more information on it can I call you?

If you answered yes to any of these questions feel free to give Dr. Mike a call he can help you with your next steps.

In addition, online/phone Counseling and Life Coaching is affordable, accessible, anonymous, and available by appointment, from the privacy of your own home. Avoid the travel and time it takes to get my office. Since you never have to leave the comfort of your own home to meet with me, your anonymity and privacy is completely secured.

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The Narcissist “The Devil’s In The Details.” By Dr. Michael Brooks

Posted on May 4, 2015 by drbrooks

The Narcissist “The Devil’s In The Details.”(7) By Dr. Michael Brooks

Step one is to do your research on narcissism, read as much as you can and make notes about the red flags you have seen in your marriage over the years. The first step is extremely important to give you a peace of mind that you’re doing the right thing. Check the internet for blogs and articles that can help you understand what you’re dealing with. There are some wonderful blogs that you can talk with other victims of a narcissistic marriage.

Refuse to be a victim and watch out for yourself

Refuse to be a victim and watch out for yourself

Step two, if you decide to end your relationship then do all your research and take careful notes. This is the hard part, start looking for a lawyer who understands narcissists and divorce. If you have a lawyer who really doesn’t understand how narcissism spouses go for the juggler you will find yourself on the losing end. Narcissists love the spot light in a divorce setting. They are so convincing with their drama and lies. If your potential lawyer has no experience with a narcissist divorce, keep looking for one that does. Your lawyer should be tough, very self-confident, understanding and trained to deal with a narcissist in a divorce proceeding.

Step three, your lawyer will ask you for your financials and your cost of living expenses. So get all your records together for your meeting with your lawyer. You will be in a battle of your life when you divorce your narcissistic spouse. Expect drama and personal attacks like you have never seen.

Step four, make sure that you have healthy friends to help you through the grief process of divorce. More often than not many times a well meaning friend will give you some bad advice. Make sure that you have people surrounding you that see potential problems before they get out of control. For most people married to a narcissist and they want out there is no looking back. Except when children are involved. That creates a whole new problem. You want to protect the kids at all costs. There are professionals that can help you deal with the narcissist parent and the children.

In closing, I want to let you know that for many of you dealing with divorcing a narcissist spouse is usually your last option. For the sake of keeping your sanity and the sanity of your kids is the last resort. You’re not a bad person, it’s not your fault the marriage went bad. You probably new the person you married was a narcissist. Many of my clients never new until it was too late and they overlooked the traits of narcissism. You need to make plans and start over with your life. Take time to heal and move forward slowly. You’ll get through this, it will not be easy, it may be hard, but you will move on with your life!

Do you need help in dealing with a narcissist in your life and want to figure out what your next steps are? Are you afraid of the person you are married to and need advice in how to talk to them? Are you seeking help for your spouse who may be a narcissist? You may ask yourself how do I talk to my spouse who is a narcissist? If you answered yes to any of these questions and would like some help contact Dr. Mike at 303.456.0555

In addition, online/phone Counseling and Life Coaching is affordable, accessible, anonymous, and available by appointment, from the privacy of your own home. Avoid the travel and time it takes to get my office. Since you never have to leave the comfort of your own home to meet with me, your anonymity and privacy is completely secured.
Dr. Michael Brooks
Applicable Counseling & Coaching Services
Web: www.applicablecoaching.com
Blog: http://applicablecoaching.com/blog.php
Web: http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/
Blog:http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/blog/
E-mail: mike@applicablecoaching.com
Office: 303.456.0555
Cell: 303.880.9878

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