My client, stayed steady with all his improved behavior towards his wife. He spoke kindly to her, asked if she needed anything, asked her to dinner, he was a true gentleman. While you wait for your spouse to return home from their affair, learn how to be alone, take care of yourself, be healthy for the wayward spouse when they come back. If you’re unhealthy emotionally, what do they have to look forward to if and when they come back home? If you’re unhealthy, they will run as fast as they can from you, never looking back. Do you know that you will control a lot that will happen when your partner comes back home? Your attitude, your tongue (what you say), your commitment, your love towards your spouse, and most importantly, your unconditional love towards the one that has offended you must be felt and seen. Don’t keep reminders around the home that proves they have been unfaithful to you. Don’t hold their past over their head, or keep reminding them that you know all of their faults.
One of my clients wife did that, and she wouldn’t show him her evidence. She kept reminding him and repeating she knew he was cheating on her. She never had any evidence, just her thoughts and her written suspicions on paper! Just a ruse to cause tension in the home. So, if you really want to save your marriage stop reminding your spouse of their past and how it caused you pain.
If you want to save your marriage, have healthy people around you, people who will encourage you to keep the marriage intact. People you can call and will be uplifting to you. If you have some friends that are suggesting that you end your marriage, that you want to save and work on, then either cut them out of your life, or don’t share any of your marriage problems with these kind of people. Most of the time what you share in secret with unhealthy people will be shouted from the roof tops, meaning, you will be gossiped about..A big problem with some men and women who are trying to save their marriages is dealing with their bitterness. Bitterness can creep into people trying to hold on to save a their marriage. They start to focus on the one that is involved with their spouse. They will blame the person who is having an affair with their partner, and struggle with the one who left the marriage to have an affair.
When my wife was having her affair, I wanted to leave the marriage (knee jerk reaction most people have). I still loved her, she knew that, I expressed that all the time we talked. I had a lot of turmoil within me about her affair. But I have to be honest with you, it was very difficult to love her 100%. It would ebb and flow from day to day. Some days my love towards her was strong and I wanted to work on the marriage, other days, not so much. I decided that I had to show her real love every day, day in and day out. I had to commit to that, she needed to see that from me. She would say very hurtful things, just to make a dig here and there!
My ex wanted out, she wasn’t making things easy for me. She had excuses for not going to counseling, or meeting with me to talk. I had to prepare myself for hearing the words “I’m having an affair”, they never came, nor would she admit to having one. Yet, people I knew saw her with another man. She was in denial, and I’m sure she would tell anyone who confronted her, he was just a friend. The people I counsel and divorce coach with, would tell you that a spouse having an affair is the worst thing that can happen in a marriage. Most of us would agree. This is one of the toughest challenges you must face if you want to save your marriage. You have to forgive that person, continue to love your spouse through it all. I’m not saying that you don’t have the right to be mad, angry, and all that goes with finding out that you have been cheated on, these feelings are natural and need to be released. I want you to think about learning to trust again. It will take time, but are you willing to try?