When is it time to confront? By Dr. Michael Brooks
I was trying to decide when I should confront a friend who I knew was having an affair on his wife. I was troubled as I have never done anything like that before. I was wondering if I going to lose a friendship over my confrontation. Then I asked myself what was my purpose and motive? Was I wrong in my actions? I struggled and tried to talk myself out of confronting my friend face to face. The nagging feeling that I carried and the sleepless nights is what determined my next steps.
Have you ever had to confront someone over their actions, and I am not unnecessarily talking about an affair. Maybe it was something they were being dishonest with you about something. Maybe you didn’t appreciate the way they spoke to you. Possibly you caught them being dishonest in your business dealings with them.
I have shared my feelings about confrontations. I think they are important and necessary at times. For most of us we would rather have a root canal done before we face off with someone who has done us wrong. My thought on the right time and the motive behind a confrontation is based on how I feel in my gut. If it bothers me and is constantly on my mind it’s time to go sit down and have a talk.
If you can’t sleep because you are thinking about how you have been mistreated then by all means plan a sit down meeting. Some folks have no clue they have wronged you and would like to know if they have. That’s why it’s so important to get things ironed out as soon as possible. Don’t let time pass by and nothing has been done.
My tips on making this happen and having a plan:
• Make sure that the grievance is valid and not petty
• Avoid making the issues bigger then it seems
• Don’t bring others into your disagreement
• Settle it by yourself with no audience
• Have facts not your opinions
• Be calm and listen to responses from other party
• Try to compromise if possible
• Make all attempts to reconcile
• If you can’t get resolve then move on and drop it
• If you need a third party as a witness get one (not for minor indifference’s)
• Try to part ways if other personally attacks you or will not talk with you
Most confrontations will go pretty smoothly unless it’s a major snafu or a big relationship problem i.e. affairs, divorce, family feuds, etc. Then you may need some help in planning your next steps.
I made an appointment to meet my friend and we sat down and talked. We spoke for several hours and yes I was extremely uncomfortable when I first started our meeting. I had a well thought out plan and believe me it went better then I planned. He admitted that what he was doing was wrong and he was glad that someone had enough courage to speak with him. He stopped his affair and is now working on his marriage. Sometimes when we’re just not sure what our next steps should be take some time and write your thoughts down on paper and mull them over. Don’t rush into judgments or make accusations. You need to deal with facts.
Do you need help in planning to confront a family member or your spouse? Are you struggling with painful memories that someone caused you and you want to talk with them? Are you looking for help in moving on with your life after an affair? If you answered yes to any of these questions give Dr. Mike a call 303.456.0555. He is available to help you.
Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and Life Coaching Services. His services are affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching and counseling.