Pick And Choose Your Battles Wisely

Posted on December 26, 2012 by drbrooks

“Hey you!  You stupid imbecile! Don’t you know how to drive?? Can’t you even read the signs in the parking lot?” I looked at my friend who was stopped in the parking lot by this outraged man. The guy was ranting and letting his anger rage.   His face was beet red, he was foaming at the mouth and his veins were popping out on his forehead. He continued on for about 2 minutes. When he stopped to take a breath, he raised his finger and pointed at me and started yelling at me. I glanced at him and just listened. Keep in mind that this was happening at a busy parking lot at a local grocery store on a Saturday morning. Cars were passing by and slowing down as other drivers were listening to this madman. He was making a scene and he knew it!

The guy wouldn’t stop!  He went on and on. I had had enough and said to my friend, “let’s go!” It was apparent this man could not be reasoned with. He was in full road rage. He wanted a verbal fist fight and we didn’t respond in kind. There is a time and place to pick your battles; however it’s never a good idea to try to reason with someone whose intent is to fight and not listen or even compromise.  When it gets to that point, it’s best to walk away. Why take the abuse of anyone who does not respect you or themselves? Yet, I see many people in my office who allow this behavior in their relationships at home and work to continue. Why is that?

Is it fear that prevents them from defending themselves? Is it that they want to keep peace in the family or workplace so they say nothing? In my case, it wasn’t my fight; it was my friend’s who cut someone off in a parking lot. He was the one who was dealing with this angry man. I was the observer in a passenger seat. I think common sense tells us when we need to cut and run. There is no need to let someone berate you in public or in the privacy in your own home for that matter!

What are the proper steps to take when being attacked by someone? First, evaluate the situation. If you are being threatened, then leave. If you can get the abuser calmed down enough for a civil conversation, then proceed. There are reasons why people get upset and take their anger out on you.  Many are personal reasons like having a bad day at the office, marital issues, and problems at home with their children, health issues, etc. Keep those in mind when someone is lashing out.  Try to put yourself in their shoes. It has helped me many times to do just that. Being sensitive to others hurts helps a great deal.

We read stories in the papers about drivers with road rage and usually the outcomes are very deadly. It isn’t always road rage; it can be as simple as someone thinking  you cut in front of them while waiting in line. I have seen some people come close to throwing punches while waiting in line for movie tickets. It is much easier to let it go and move on. It’s not worth getting injured or even murdered for standing your ground.

I had a high school teacher who had someone cut him off in traffic in Chicago. When they both stopped at a red light, my teacher got out of his car to confront the other driver. When he got up to the other driver’s window he faced a .357 staring at him in the face. The man asked my high school teacher if there was a problem. “No sir,” he said as” he walked away.  Just like my former teacher,   back away and be grateful you were not shot or stabbed.

Common sense must prevail in these difficult days.  Things have changed over the years. A wise man avoids unnecessary arguments, in fact, he walks away from them. Teach this to your children and your grandchildren. These days anything can happen when confronting someone you don’t know. In closing, choose your arguments carefully. If you don’t need to go there, by all means don’t. Save the pain of getting into trouble.

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Can I Save My Marriage Alone? (Part 9)

Posted on December 5, 2012 by drbrooks

Fight for your marriage while you can!


The Loveless marriage, I had a couple who asked me can you help us save our marriage, even though we don’t act as a married couple, but roommates? This problem is more common then realized. Many couples live in the same house but live as common roommates. While one heart breaks in this type of marriage, the other continues to live in a different world. A world of no accountability, no hope or dreams. If this is a marriage that you are involved in there is hope for you.

Those in a roommate marriage are most likely to stay status quo until someone either has had enough and wants to move on or they find someone who convinces them they are in a bad spot and should leave the marriage. If you realize that you are in a loveless marriage and want to do something about it now is the time. I suggest that you sit down with your partner and discuss ways to start repairing your relationship. Make a list that looks at areas you need to communicate and come to some agreement on how to do the next steps. For example, one of you has fallen out of love, how do you revive the love and fall in love again? You may want to have a date night and talk about why and how you fell in love. Look at the good times that you had when courting each other. You may want to try some of the things that worked back then. Go on evening walks, hold hands share some of the good memories you shared. Break the down the monotony you are experiencing. Change gears, do things you have talked about but were afraid to try them. Try sky diving, or take a drive to a new part of the state. You may want to start going to some different restaurants instead of the old standby. My point is getting you to try different things to spice up a loveless marriage.

You may be the partner who wants to try to improve your relationship. If that’s the case then you will be the one who has to do all the planning in the beginning. You may have your partner wondering what’s going on and you can explain that after you start your planned event. Being spontaneous is key to making things happen. I like the spur of the moment events. They work well if planned right. This is something to think about and consider in a loveless marriage.

Breaking down the walls of adultery, can it be done? I was sitting in the back of church while the pastor was preaching about the history of the Red Barron a German WWI flying ace. The Red Barron was the most recognized pilot during world war one. The Barron shot down many American, English and French pilots. In fact he wrote the book on Tactical dogfights. Everybody who flew knew how dangerous the Barron was. This pastor caught my attention as he preached about the Barron and my love for military history. The sermon was really good, it was about following your own desires and how they can cause you to crash and burn. The Red Barron, didn’t follow his own advice from the book he wrote about tactical air battles, when he went after a plane low to the ground, and was killed by a British sniper on the ground. He got so focused on the plane he was attacking, he never knew how close he was to the enemy lines, and died because of his mistake.

My client heard that message in church and applied it to the several affairs he had had over the years. In fact, after hearing the message, he was clearly upset in hearing the example on how the Red Barron died, the Barron died by not following a rule of air combat that he wrote about, don’t stray too close to the ground and enemy lines. In this man’s case don’t stray from the marriage.

My client, drove by my house the following morning to talk me at 3:30 AM, he saw no lights, then tried calling, he was so distraught and needed to talk about his pain of having an affair. The wife contacted me and asked if I would talk to her husband, she suspected that he was having an affair. I told her, yes, I will be more than happy to sit down with her husband and talk with him. Then she told me that she was going to divorce him after we talked. She found several e-mails where he was writing other women and meeting them at bars and dance clubs. I asked her to hold off on filing for divorce until I could sit down and talk with him. She agreed. I met with her husband, and we had a long serious talk about his affairs, he denied them at first, but over the course of 3 hours, he slowly admitted that he had them.

Exposing affairs are very painful and can lead to years of pain if not dealt with properly and quickly. There is no guarantee that telling your spouse about your affair will save the marriage. It would be better hearing it from you then having someone call them and asking “Did you know your spouse was seen with another woman/man” That’s when most likely there is no chance in saving your marriage. If telling your spouse about your affair helps you get rid of the guilt and you want to rebuild your marriage this is the route to go. Next week’s article will continue “can I save my marriage alone.”

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Why Do I Dread The Holidays?

Posted on November 27, 2012 by drbrooks

A friend of mine recently told me that he hates the holidays.  In fact, he said he loathes them. I asked him why and he shot back, “Because of all the bad memories associated with them!” During the holiday season, his demeanor changes, he sulks and avoids his friends and family.  I know several people who dread the holidays and quite honestly, I used to be one of them.

Don’t be afraid of the upcoming holidays

Many walk among us hiding their fears and pain, especially this time of the year. How can you spot these hurting people?  There are many signs that are easy to pick up on. They refuse to go to holiday parties, seldom answer their phone or respond to text messages during the holidays. They don’t want any gifts and they usually tell you in advance. They make excuses why they can’t attend holiday celebrations. Most of us have a hard time recognizing the excuses coming from someone who suffers from the pain associated the holidays.

Over the years, I too have struggled with the Christmas season. My mother was an alcoholic and was difficult to live with especially around the holidays. She struggled with her own demons during Christmas and took it out on my younger sister and me. I never really knew what her issues with Christmas were, but my sister and I suffered during what should have been a magical time of the year for us. Being cursed at was something we both expected and telling us she wished someone would hurt us or take away our Christmas was common. She was so unpredictable.  One night she would be ok and then the next she was just plain awful to us. With the cookies and holiday candies spread out on the table sitting next to the lighted Christmas tree, we were told not to eat them because they were for company only. At times these bad memories pop up and put me in a funk.

Not everyone knows how to deal with sadness during the holidays. They live with them from year to year and watch the calendar day by day, wishing the holidays away.  I realized that I had to create my own fond memories during the holidays. I had to force myself to do the things I feared most. I didn’t want to go to holiday parties, so I had my own. I started with a few close friends and invited them to my house. I had a small tree with lights and small gifts for each of them. I even had some Christmas music playing when they arrived. I have to be honest with you, it was hard to do but I’m so glad I did. When everyone left, I felt as if I faced one of my biggest fears, and sat down in disbelief that “I did it.” The first step was the hardest for me, but I was a victor instead of the victim. I overcame the fear of the holidays.

Are you ready to take that leap and address the needless suffering the holidays bring you? The first step is the desire to be a victim of painful memories and stop allowing the holidays to control you. If this If you’re ready to start enjoying the holidays again, then you need take the first few steps to healing.
Here’s what mine were:
•    Forgive and move on. Yes, my mother hurt me but I realized I needed to move on.
•    Kept company with healthy people who cared about me.
•    Kept looking to my future and not my past. I had to forgive myself.
•    Planned a fun evening with family and friends and started a small group and grew it.
•    Had a small 12 inch Christmas tree decked out with sparkly lights.
•    Played holiday music quietly.
•    Looked at the positive interactions I could have with friends and family.
•    Planned a short, two-hour holiday party.  It was a good place to start.

The first time I planned my holiday event, it went very well. I kept to my game plan and since then it has become a tradition that I now look forward to every year. It was hard at first, kind of like jumping off a diving board for the first time.  We need to face our painful memories. I did with mine and now the painful past is, for the most part, a faint memory. Plan to move on and get the victory you need so you can once again, enjoy the upcoming holidays.

Do you need help during the holiday season?  Are you dealing with the past that will not let you go? Are there hurts that you need to talk about but are afraid to? Do you want peace and freedom from your past? Do you need a game plan to get you through the holidays? If you answered yes to any of these question, give Dr. Mike a call, he can help you!

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How To Save Your Marriage Alone (Part 8)

Posted on November 19, 2012 by drbrooks

Saving your marriage takes lots of energy!

As I mentioned in my previous article, my client and I planned each step of the long journey to reconciliation.  After he confronted his wife with the love letters, the next step would address how he could win her heart back.  I asked him what his wife enjoyed when they first started dating.  He thought for a moment then told me she liked it when he bought her chocolates. He couldn’t remember what kind of chocolate so that’s when I sent him off with his next assignment – to find out what kind of chocolate it was without asking her. “What else did she like?” I asked. “Flowers” he responded. “Ok, what kind of flowers?”  “ Well,” he went on to say, “she likes roses, white and red ones.” Then I asked him, “Do you see where I am going with this?” “Yes, I do,” he said. “I have to date her all over again, and win her heart.”

At first she refused his attempts to do little things together. He would have dinner ready when she came home from work and would get her favorite treats when he picked up the groceries. I told him it would take time to win her heart back, if he could at all.  He was in it for the long haul and took every opportunity he had. He learned the art of small talk and avoided challenging her or debating their conversations. He worked on his listening skills and actually learned how to listen to her.

When she finally opened up and began talking with him, he had to bite his tongue a few times and not say the things he wanted to say. But once he got the hang of it, he was able to open his heart as well. Just this one little change on his part started the healing process. Each of us has to find out what changes are required to make an improvement in our relationships.  Many people will cop out and say, “Those kinds of changes are no big deal!” Not true.  If you are the one who is making those changes to win your spouse back, then you will put your heart and soul into it. It will be a big deal to you.

The next major hurdle for my client was not asking where his wife was when she came home late after work. This flies in the face of being understanding and reasonable, but it also creates a divisive attitude between you and your spouse. Win your spouse over with the healthy changes that you need to make.
You will never get anywhere if you are demanding your spouse to change for you.  Give them a reason to want to come back home to you. The changes you make will help them see you are the one they need to be with – not the person they left you for. Many marriage counselors will tell you to divorce the wayward spouse. I believe that the heart can change, and will do so under the right circumstances. You have to make sure that the commitment you make to the marriage is also seen by your spouse. Healing is needed on both sides. Provide the right atmosphere for that and watch what happens.

There will be times that you will want to bring up the past and times that you want the details of the affair. There will also be times that you just want to give up. I can’t guarantee your marriage will survive the affair; however, if you want to make it work, I want to encourage you to fight the good fight to keep your marriage alive. You can do it!  I have seen it happen many times!

If you want to save your marriage and need help doing so, contact Dr. Mike for his advice. You will receive a free, no obligation, 30-minute consultation. Call today for your appointment.

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How To Save Your Marriage Alone (Part 7)

Posted on November 11, 2012 by drbrooks

I want To Save My Marriage, But How?

Following is a checklist of what to look for when deciding upon a divorce counselor/coach.  It’s important to tell this person that you want your marriage restored.

1.    A level headed, calm person who listens well.
2.    Someone who works with facts and not feelings.
3.    Someone who seeks to restore the marriage first and divorce second.
4.    Someone who will not rush you into anything that’s not in the best interest of your children.
5.    A person who encourages you to delay dating, even if you want to date out of revenge.
6.    A person who will encourage you to be truthful.
7.    Someone who will encourage counseling and open communication with your spouse.

After my client and I talked about how he would confront is wife regarding her infidelity, he called her to set up a time that they would meet for dinner. After they ate and had time to talk, he let her know that he had found the love letters in her dresser drawer when he was putting her laundry away.  She looked at him in total shock and disbelief.  Later that evening, she went to their bedroom and found the notes.  She yelled at him while shaking her love letters in her hand and accused him of snooping around and going through her personal things. She screamed at him and demanded that he leave. (Note: under no circumstances should you leave your home during a heated argument.  If you do, this most likely will open up the door to visits from the one the offending spouse is having an affair with.)

He firmly, yet with kindness stated he was not leaving. He told her that he loved her and that they would work through this. He admitted he wasn’t the greatest husband and acknowledged he had to make some major changes in his own life. That’s what it takes – admitting your faults and that you will be working on them to make the marriage work.  She didn’t believe him.  The next day she moved out. He stayed the course we planned by getting counseling, committing 100% to the marriage and loving her regardless of what she was said or did. Over a period of several months, she began to see the changes in him, although she was still seeing the other man from time to time. Late one night she and her lover had an argument that escalated to the point that she packed up her bags and moved back into the house. She told her husband that the guilt of having an affair was overwhelming in the face of all the changes she saw her husband making.  She saw that he loved her unconditionally, no matter what she said or did to him.

Something to remember is that even though the wayward spouse falls head over heels with someone else, they may move out of the house or ask you to. However, if you both live in the same house you will have plenty of time to interact by talking with each other, showing your love toward your partner, and showing them the changes you are making in your own life. This will impact your spouse in a way that will give pause for second looks at your marriage and they will start seeing you in a different light.

When your spouse is discovered cheating, you can expect an outburst of anger from them because they have been discovered. They have been humiliated and their cover is blown. Some may deny the affair even with evidence being shown them. Some will stick with the story that they never had or are in an affair.

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How To Save Your Marriage Alone (part 6)

Posted on November 8, 2012 by drbrooks

Don’t wait for problems to come to you, go fix them while you can!

A client of mine discovered that his wife was having an affair. He went ballistic when he found love notes she received from another man secretly hidden in her dresser drawer.  When I received his call, he was yelling and threatening to punch her secret lover and was prepared to throw all her clothes out onto the front lawn. He calmed down after 30 minutes into our phone call. He admitted his marriage had been on the rocks for several months, but now he finally wanted to work on restoring his relationship with his wife.  After all, he truly loved her. He knew he had to make some big changes or lose his wife!

I advised him not to say anything to his wife until the two of us could sit down and talk. We had to make a game plan. We scheduled a meeting the following Monday where he told me that was the hardest thing he ever had to do was to act if he had never found the love notes. She acted if nothing was going on when she came home and was clueless to the fact that he had found her lover’s handwritten notes. He knew where she was and what she was doing. He wanted to scream at her, but he knew if he did that, their marriage would be over.  An important factor in the early stages of saving your marriage is to keep your emotions in check and make a game plan before you say or do anything! Why? If you confront the cheating spouse without a plan, you will say and do some things that will drive your spouse into the arms of the other person. So hold back on saying anything at this time.

After we met, I gave my client some ideas on what the next steps should look like before he confronted her. I often wonder how a hasty revenge destroys any chance of reconciliation.  I have seen folks decide they need just one last chance to get even with their cheating spouse by breaking things, giving things away, spreading rumors and making phone calls to people out of anger. None of this will help your chances of reconciliation.

Another suggestion is to avoid a division within your family members, friends and acquaintances.  It is best to put together a game plan that will help you take the higher ground which will result in a better situation for you! By all means, stay calm.

Most revenge will blow up in your face. You’ll end up with a police record if you destroy property, hit, spit, push, throw things, slap, etc. You will get finger printed and your picture taken…count on it!  This will be permanently placed on your record and could pose future employment problems in the future. I suggest you find someone you can trust. Ask this individual be your sounding board and run things past them that you unsure of. Make sure that whomever you pick is not a gossip or a vengeful person. If you pick someone that encourages you to get a divorce while they themselves are in a troubled marriage, most likely they will use you and live through the advice they are giving you, which usually is not good advice. Many times those folks don’t have the courage to go through with their own divorce, so they will live their life through you. I have seen this happen many times and ultimately live with regret, so be careful. A well meaning friend can cost you lots of money with lawyers, the court system, and the loss of your marriage.

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How To Save Your Marriage Alone (part 5)

Posted on October 31, 2012 by drbrooks

Saving your marriage alone can be hard

My client, stayed steady with all his improved behavior towards his wife. He spoke kindly to her, asked if she needed anything, asked her to dinner, he was a true gentleman. While you wait for your spouse to return home from their affair, learn how to be alone, take care of yourself, be healthy for the wayward spouse when they come back. If you’re unhealthy emotionally, what do they have to look forward to if and when they come back home? If you’re unhealthy, they will run as fast as they can from you, never looking back. Do you know that you will control a lot that will happen when your partner comes back home? Your attitude, your tongue (what you say), your commitment, your love towards your spouse, and most importantly, your unconditional love towards the one that has offended you must be felt and seen. Don’t keep reminders around the home that proves they have been unfaithful to you. Don’t hold their past over their head, or keep reminding them that you know all of their faults.

One of my clients wife did that, and she wouldn’t show him her evidence. She kept reminding him and repeating she knew he was cheating on her. She never had any evidence, just her thoughts and her written suspicions on paper! Just a ruse to cause tension in the home. So, if you really want to save your marriage stop reminding your spouse of their past and how it caused you pain.

If you want to save your marriage, have healthy people around you, people who will encourage you to keep the marriage intact. People you can call and will be uplifting to you. If you have some friends that are suggesting that you end your marriage, that you want to save and work on, then either cut them out of your life, or don’t share any of your marriage problems with these kind of people. Most of the time what you share in secret with unhealthy people will be shouted from the roof tops, meaning, you will be gossiped about..A big problem with some men and women who are trying to save their marriages is dealing with their bitterness. Bitterness can creep into people trying to hold on to save a their marriage. They start to focus on the one that is involved with their spouse. They will blame the person who is having an affair with their partner, and struggle with the one who left the marriage to have an affair.

When my wife was having her affair, I wanted to leave the marriage (knee jerk reaction most people have). I still loved her, she knew that, I expressed that all the time we talked. I had a lot of turmoil within me about her affair. But I have to be honest with you, it was very difficult to love her 100%. It would ebb and flow from day to day. Some days my love towards her was strong and I wanted to work on the marriage, other days, not so much. I decided that I had to show her real love every day, day in and day out. I had to commit to that, she needed to see that from me. She would say very hurtful things, just to make a dig here and there!

My ex wanted out, she wasn’t making things easy for me. She had excuses for not going to counseling, or meeting with me to talk. I had to prepare myself for hearing the words “I’m having an affair”, they never came, nor would she admit to having one. Yet, people I knew saw her with another man. She was in denial, and I’m sure she would tell anyone who confronted her, he was just a friend. The people I counsel and divorce coach with, would tell you that a spouse having an affair is the worst thing that can happen in a marriage. Most of us would agree. This is one of the toughest challenges you must face if you want to save your marriage. You have to forgive that person, continue to love your spouse through it all. I’m not saying that you don’t have the right to be mad, angry, and all that goes with finding out that you have been cheated on, these feelings are natural and need to be released. I want you to think about learning to trust again. It will take time, but are you willing to try?

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Can You Save Your Marriage Alone? (Part Four)

Posted on October 13, 2012 by drbrooks

Can you save you marriage alone?

Last week I shared several bullet points on what needed to be done to head down the road to a possible reconciliation in your marriage. Talking with each other is key. Arguing will not help you get your point across. Many couples seem to go down this road without having set ground rules as to how they will discuss the things they on which they disagree. It’s a fact:  you will get angry and you will want to make sure you are heard. When this starts to happen, it’s best to take a time out and then come back to the table at a later time. Try to understand what is making you angry.  It’s important both parties are able to share their thoughts and discuss them in an open, honest and safe environment.  That’s why setting the ground rules prior to discussing your concerns is important.

Stay the course when fighting for your marriage

 Let’s continue on with “How to Save Your Marriage alone”.

What if your spouse is having an affair?  What are the steps to take to save your marriage?  Believe it or not, most spouses want to save their marriages, even when infidelity is involved. There is hope for you if you want to save your marriage even if you think it can’t!  All that is needed is one person who wants to bring the marriage back to life and is committed to making it happen.

Here are a few steps to take to save your marriage. Be open to the hard work that will be required. I want to stress that the work required to save a marriage will take every ounce of strength to make it happen. Many marriages fail because one of the partners has lost interest, energy and endurance to go on. If you feel that is happening to you or your spouse, then back off for a while. Believe me, it’s worth the fight to save your marriage alone. Give it your all and see where it goes.

Stand up for your marriage. Be strong and determined to make it work.

Some people will walk away from a spouse who was unfaithful.  If you are serious about saving your marriage then you will need to be 100% committed to work through the pain and disappointment. Many people say divorce is worse than death.  How true! Death is final but divorce lives a life of its own.

Identify and fix the past mistakes you and your spouse have made.

Remember, the easy way out isn’t always the best way.  Avoid filing for divorce and don’t let your knee-jerk reaction control your emotions. Take time to think things over. In the long run you will be glad you did.

If you find out that your spouse is cheating on you, keep the children out of it. This is very important. Don’t poison your children against the cheating spouse.

The odds against saving your marriage depend on how you react to different situations. For example, I had a client whose wife accused him of having several affairs. The guy swore up and down that he had never been unfaithful. Her friends even told her that they were suspicious. After several months of separation, my client finally realized that her husband was telling the truth and never had an affair. The lies being spread about him through some of her close friends were unfounded and unfair.  Unfortunately, she remarried another man and now she wanted to divorce him and reunite with her first husband.  Had she not listened to her friends while her husband was working through his issues, she would probably be married to him today.  What a heart breaking story.

This marriage could have been saved if only she would have waited to see the changes in her husband’s life. It makes it much harder to save a marriage when the wandering spouse is interested in someone else. The spouse who leaves often comes back if the one who has been cheated on can stay the course and wait it out. But the waiting partner must not argue, browbeat, coerce, grovel, or complain to their wayward spouse. How you handle disappointment in a troubled marriage is crucial in winning back your spouse.

If you want to save your marriage and need help in doing so, contact Dr. Mike for his advice. You will receive a free, no obligation, 30-minute consultation. Call today for your appointment.

 

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Can You Save Your Marriage Alone (Part 3)

Posted on October 7, 2012 by drbrooks

Can you save you marriage alone?

Trying to save your marriage alone can be a long and daunting task. It takes a lot of energy and determination to figure out what you have to do. You can’t repeat fatal mistakes in your marriage. You need to learn from them and understand how they can implode your way of thinking and destroy any chances of saving your marriage. If you have issues with being truthful with your spouse, then it’s time to start working on being honest and fix the problem of being untruthful. Make sure you have heard your spouse and make a list of things they have told you that has caused them heartache and grief. If you can honestly look at what you have done to make things difficult in your marriage, then you are halfway there to understanding how to fix it.

Now let’s get back to my story and what you can learn from my attempt to save my marriage.

As I mentioned in last week’s article, I would call my wife to see if she needed anything.  By this point in time, she had walked away and saw no reason to work on our marriage.  I continued to work on the things my wife told me I needed to change.  I never gave up hope.

Today, I coach and counsel many people in their effort to save their marriages. The tips I am giving you today work; you just have to be consistent and make a serious effort to make lasting changes. Trust me, your spouse will be watching and listening to see if you are being honest in what you say and do!

Over the years, I have asked couples who have been successful in saving their marriage, what worked for them and what advice they would share with those wanting to repair their broken marriage.  Here is what they said:

•    Don’t talk about your marriage problems with your co-workers, friends or family.
•    Identify and then fix the mistakes you have made. Be open with your spouse as you talk about the issues you both identify in your marriage.
•    Do not give your spouse a divorce; don’t make it easy. You should seek a lawyer if you need help with the finances and child support.
•    Avoid getting friends and family to take sides. They will take sides if you gossip and talk bad about your spouse. That’s a fact!
•    Don’t turn your friends, family, and especially your children against your spouse.
•    Don’t try to fix your spouse.  Work on the changes you need to make.
•    Take one day at a time. Avoid looking at the weeks and months ahead.
•    Be very careful what you tell people about your spouse. If it gets back to your spouse, you can be sure that it will be blown out of proportion. Gossip has a way of distorting the truth, along with your creditability.
•    Commit 100% to saving your marriage. There is no point in working on it if you are not fully committed.
•    Respect your spouse. Carefully choose your words. Hurtful words destroy and leave lasting feelings of bitterness.

Use these bullet points as starters when trying to decide on how to approach and plan to save your marriage. Take notes and listen carefully to what your spouse has been saying over the past several months, or even years. This is the starting point in which you can save your marriage.

You can go to Mike’s blog and comment on today’s article at: http://www.applicablecoaching.com/blog.php

Dr. Mike also has a new website devoted to those who are considering divorce or are going through a divorce. You can find it at: http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/

Don’t Give Up!

Dr. Michael Brooks is founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

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Can You Save Your Marriage Alone (Part Two)

Posted on September 26, 2012 by drbrooks

I want to save my marriage, but how?

Can You Save Your Marriage Alone?

Last week we talked about how avoiding meaningful conversations with your spouse can hinder your marriage in many ways. This week we will be learning ways of fixing some of the obvious problems that have been created by you or your spouse.

As I mentioned in last week’s article, I had been driving in the rain thinking about my marital situation.  When I arrived at the parking lot, the rain was coming down in sheets. As I sat in my truck, I stared across the parking lot watching the heavy rain fall along with the orange, red and yellow oak leaves. It was at that point that I realized how much I really missed my wife and daughter. I looked across the practice field and could see the kids racing between in and out of the rain. Something was tugging at my heart. An excitement started to build within me.

That’s when I began to wonder if I could fix my marriage. I knew it would take hard work and I would need to change the behaviors that were destroying my marriage. I thought about the areas I was failing in my marriage and finally saw how self-centered I was. I knew I was a jerk to live with.  I was uncaring, uncompassionate, distant, and lived my life as though it was all about me. I rarely shared my life with my wife.  I realized my parents were not good role models for me and now I was repeating some of the same devastating patterns that nearly broke my parent’s marriage apart.

When I got home that night, I made a list of the mistakes I was making…not my wife’s, but mine. I spent several days compiling the list and even though there were some ugly items on it, I could see why my wife left me. I didn’t blame her at all. I gave her all the ammunition she needed to file for divorce. Some of my problems were embedded in my upbringing and I knew they were not going to be easy to change.  It would take some real work and effort on my part, but as I looked at my list, I was dedicated to working on the glaring issues that caused my wife so much pain.

One of the first things I did was to call my close friends and ask them to be brutally honest with me.  I told them to hold nothing back when they shared their thoughts about my character flaws. At first they were unsure of what I was asking for. I explained to them I was trying to fix my marriage and needed their help in looking at what kind of person I was. They were reluctant at first, but realized how important this was to me. They shared what they viewed were my weaknesses and flaws. Next, I called my wife who was very hesitant to say anything. She told me it was too late and that she had moved on. That, my friends, was a huge blow to my ego. I didn’t argue with her.  I was working on the new me and would keep making the necessary changes even if it meant walking away from an argument.

The insights that my friends shared with me gave me plenty to work on. Following are a few of the things I learned:

•    I was never home to spend time with my family because I was always playing softball or hunting.
•    I couldn’t say “NO” to friends but never found time for my wife or daughter.
•    I never did things with my wife.  My friends commented that they never saw the two of us out together.
•    I was always with friends and seldom with her.

I knew my friends were right as painful as it was to hear, I knew all of it was true. These were personal issues and they needed to be addressed. So how was I going to fix these problems? I knew that I would have to spend time with my daughter even though my wife didn’t have any desire to work things out with me. That may be the case for many of my readers.  You slowly have to win your spouse back.  I did things with my daughter including hikes, planting trees, and shopping. When I asked my daughter what she wanted, she always asked me to read to her, tell her stories, and make popcorn for her. In fact, I had a list that was three pages long. I added items of interest to her list each time we got together. My wife saw the changes and she commented on them. She even noticed I was spending less time with friends and more time with our daughter. I took her to my ball games, then, afterwards we would spend time at the park.  I was getting to know my daughter all over again. At times, I felt utterly helpless trying to regain my role as her father, but I persevered.

You can go to Mike’s blog and comment on today’s article at: http://www.applicablecoaching.com/blog.php
Dr. Mike also has a new website devoted to those who are considering divorce or are going through a divorce. You can find it at: http://idontwantthisdivorce.com/

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