“Dr. Mike, you have no idea what I am going through. There is so much pain. Nobody can help me! I can’t sleep and I can’t eat. I can’t focus on my job. I am consumed by the possibility that my marriage may be ending and I don’t want it to end. I want to save it. How can I do that?” I listened on the phone to my client who was having a really bad day. She was in meltdown out of fear of losing her husband. I get the same kind calls from men who want to save their marriage.
Unwittingly, there are several things we may do as spouses that can drive our partner away. When men and women are hurting, they say and do things that can drive a wedge between each other.
Groveling, pleading, clinging and begging are big ones. Non-stop talking is another. Bartering is also damaging to relationships. And, not allowing time and space for healing is another. If you are having difficulty figuring these things out, call me and make an appointment. I can help you stop doing the damage that is preventing you from saving your marriage. Those of you who are experiencing the possibility of losing your marriage take heed in what I am telling you. If you continue to try to fix your marriage by yourself without help you can severely damage any chances of reconciliation. Don’t delay getting help. The sooner you start working on saving your marriage, the better.
Here are my quick tips to start the healing process. These are just a few but they work.
- Don’t argue in front of your children
- Avoid questioning and accusing your spouse
- Don’t use assumptions when talking with your spouse
- Don’t interrupt while they are speaking, learn to listen
- Learn forgiveness for yourself and your partner
- Know when to walk away from a heated discussion
- Keep your children out of your disagreements (find a place to talk)
- Work on better communication
- If you’re wrong, admit it (put the pride away)
It’s really easy to forget what the issues are when in a heated argument. Stick to the talking points. Don’t poison your talk with hurtful words, accusations, historical events that took place over a year ago. If you have a bad habit of doing any of these things, STOP! You both need to be healthy for each other and you need to learn how to be healthy.
I can teach you how to be healthy so your spouse can see that you are making changes for yourself and willing to work on the marriage. A little change can go a long way. If you continue on improving the way you communicate, act towards him/her, on being a marriage partner instead of a roommate, a loving and caring spouse, then there is hope for your marriage. If you want to save your marriage, it has to start with you. Are you ready and willing to take the next steps? Are you willing to invest in your marriage, yourself and your spouse? Take the next step and contact Dr. Mike for a free 20 minute complementarity phone call to see if he can help you.
Great advice Dr. Mike I will be calling you. I have a bad habit of arguing to get my point across. I need to learn how to listen better. She has talked about divorce and I don’t want to go down that road. Plesae help me.
Dr. Mike I heard you on the radio in Denver a few months ago. You had touched my husbands heart with your comforting and encouraging words. We have been talking about filing for divorce for several months. I didn’t want it and he wasn’t sure he did. When we disagreed on issues is when he would mention about the possibility of getting divorced. When he was driving to work he heard you talking about you can save your marriage if you’re willing to talk, listen and commit to making it work. We have started to talk and listen to each other. Thank you so much for your great advice. Are you considering a weekly raido show?
I read this article and heard you on the radio while I was driving through Nebraska. You have some great insight on bad marriages. I wish I knew you when I was going through my second marriage. I was the blame for our divorce. The one thing you said on that show was ” don’t jump to conclusions when your angry ” that was me. I did that all the time and look at what it cost me. My family. Thanks for telling it the way it is. I have listened to Dr. Phil and you are just as good as he is, probably even better!
In a society where showing any kind of vulnerability is seen as a failing, it’s good to see advice such as “if you’re wrong, admit it.” If you find yourself unable to avoid arguments as a couple, you need to work out where they start, and so often it’s because you’re trying to ‘top’ each other, talking over each other, not really listening to what each other has to say, and instead just focusing on your own thoughts. Knowing how to stay calm and when to walk away are excellent pieces of advice. Thank you.