Can You Save Your Marriage Alone?

I get several calls a week with clients asking me if they can save their marriage when their spouse is unwilling or uninterested in doing their part to salvage the relationship. I tell them they can save it if they are willing to do a lot of hard work and never guarantee they will get the results they’re hoping for, but I know of many clients who have saved their marriage alone. When a client comes to me for counseling and coaching I sit down with them and help them through the step-by-step process of saving their marriage.  I am going to share with you what you need to do for yourself and your spouse if you are, indeed, willing to do the hard work. I have seen the most difficult relationship where the couple literally hated each other, fix their marriage and become best friends again. If you’re willing to put your pride aside and make some tough commitments, anything can happen.

30.15 million viewers watched Den Watts serve ...

30.15 million viewers watched Den Watts serve Angie divorce papers (Christmas 1986). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As I headed to football practice as a high school football coach that October afternoon, there was a steady rain that reminded me that my life was in a mess. The wipers were on as I turned on the defrost to keep the windshield from fogging up. The cold rain matched my feelings towards life in general: gloomy, dark, sad and cold. I turned on the radio to drown out the noise from the wipers. As I drove, my mind raced to happier times, the few of them that I had.

One of those happier times was with my daughter when we were feeding the ducks at the park. She was 7 and full of life and wonderment. I was just starting to realize that I was a father, her father, and wondered why it took so long for me to figure that out. Looking back, my wife was probably wondering that too!

Over the years, it was slow at first, the distance that grew between my wife and me. We talked less and avoided being in the same room. She would watch TV upstairs and I would watch it in the den. I would run errands in town and found myself taking my time coming home.  She would visit friends and stay for dinner and a movie just to avoid coming home.  We are living in our own world.  I felt safe in mine and afraid of hers. Soon we became comfortable in that day-to-day routine. I didn’t miss her and she didn’t miss me.

Looking back I tried to remember where I began to make the mistakes my marriage and as difficult as it was to face, I realized I had made plenty of them. The major ones came to light first. I remember being so involved with sports that I played ball 5 nights a week and was in tournaments on the weekends.  I was never home. And to make things worse, I wasn’t good a communicating with her.  I never put my wife first. I always put others first. If a phone call came, I would go rescue or help anyone in need just to get out of the house.  When she had needs, I always put more importance over my needs. As you can see, I wasn’t a good husband.  I was in my late twenties and very self-centered.

When I was served with divorce papers my world came crashing down around me.  Prior to getting served, my wife was asking my friends if they would talk to me about working on our marriage. Each person she talked to said “no way!” They were doing the same thing I was doing to my wife – living separate lives while being married. Most of those guys are divorced now and on second and third marriages. And most of those guys were being unfaithful to their wives and wanted nothing to do with talking to me about my marriage. Besides, I was married to my sports but never realizing that I was. As you can see, I probably represent many men whose wives are considering divorce. I hope you can learn from my mistakes, if you can, you can probably save your marriage.

In next week’s article there will be some steps in correcting some of the things you’re doing that will help heal your relationship. If you have any questions please feel free to give me a call.

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In The Wilderness Alone

Have you ever wondered why it seems like a rain cloud hangs over your head as you go through your “wilderness” experience? Have you ever wondered, as you lie in bed at night, where you can find help? I think we all can say we have been through the wilderness experience.

I often hear men and women in my practice wonder why they are stuck in life. If you are a student of the Bible you have probably read about Moses and his wilderness experience. He wandered through the desert for 40 years. Can you imagine that? As the leader of the Israelites, he also had to endure all the complaints about his leadership abilities.

What is the best way to deal with the wilderness experience? The first step is to determine what direction are you heading and is it really the direction you want to go? Once you have determined your final destination, you’ll want to find out the road conditions or struggles that may affect your travel plans. Many of us have a tendency to stay in one place and not move an inch only because we do not have a game plan for the next step. Will may sit out in the rain or storms of life and have no clue as to how to take the proper steps to get out of the desert. Does this sound familiar to you?

I hear many stories where people feel isolated and alone and they struggle trying to make sense of it all.  Are you alone because of your actions or inactions? Are you alone because you have chosen to isolate yourself? These are probably the most common reasons for the wilderness experience.  A recent client told me that when her husband passed away, she got plenty of attention until the day after the funeral. She said the calls stopped and people didn’t stop by the house. She felt all alone. I asked her if she did anything to connect with her friends and family.  “Well, no I didn’t” she replied. I then asked her if she thought people where just trying to be careful not to intrude on her grieving time and were concerned they might be bothering her and wanted to leave her alone. I didn’t want to appear heartless, but kept asking her questions. I asked her if she thought it would be possible to reach out and invite a friend or neighbor over for a cup of coffee and conversation. I think people back off because they are afraid that they won’t know what to say.

A key to getting out of the wilderness experience is to not wait for things to come to you. You need to go to the source of comfort and peace. When life throws you a curve ball, reach out to your family and friends. Invite them to your home.  You cannot live a life of isolation.  That will never work!

The wilderness experience can last forever if you allow it to. To make things happen in your life, you have to go after life changing events. If you lose your job, don’t sit around and wait for a job to come to you. Start looking for work immediately. If you end an important relationship, don’t sit around and have a prolonged pity party.  Go out, meet people and enjoy new friends. We have to make things happen in order to enjoy this life God gave us.  I ask my clients who are having a wilderness experience this question, “Do you control your brain or does your brain control you?” A simple but thought provoking question.

Here are a few suggestions for taking control of your life when the wilderness experience happens.
•    Evaluate your position.  Ask yourself how you ended up in the wilderness.
•    List the changes you need to make.
•    Don’t wait for someone to help you.  Do what you need to do to get out of the wilderness.
•    Get involved in the lives of others. Go out for dinner or a movie and make new friends.
•    Invite people over and help others who are in need.
•    Don’t wait for friends and family to call you!  Make phone calls to loved ones and good friends.  It will lift your spirit!
•    Reconnect with old friends.
The point I want to share with you today is, don’t wait for people to come to you.  Your family and friends may not realize what you are dealing with. They don’t understand. Remember, they can’t read your mind.  If they could they would be there for you if they knew your needs. So reach out to them and express your feelings. That’s how we connect with hurting and lonely people who are living through the wilderness experience. Don’t delay!  If you’re wandering and need a friend to walk with you during this time reach out and let them know you want some company while you get out of the wilderness.
Try some of these suggestions.  I promise they will help!  I have had a wilderness experience and I know first had that it’s no fun.  But if there’s anything you glean out of today’s article, please remember…there will be brighter days ahead.  I promise.

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I’m Rich, and Didn’t Even Know It!

Money is not the answer


Let’s suppose you had a bank account that every morning at six a.m. the bank deposited eighty six thousand four hundred dollars into your account.  Like this idea?  The one requirement was that you had to spend it all that day.  When you went to bed at night, any of the money you had not spent would be debited back out of the account.  What would you do?  You’d spend every cent, wouldn’t you? You’d figure out a way to use it.

That is exactly what God does with you every twenty-four hours.  He gives you eighty six thousand four hundred seconds.  God says you can use this any way you want to use it.  But at the end of the day any that’s unused or misused or didn’t use, you lose.  If you don’t use it, you lose it.  And you’re never going to get it back.

If you are an average American you will live twenty five thousand five hundred fifty days.  If you live to be seventy years of age you will spend in your life time twenty-three years of your life sleeping, seventeen years of your life working.  You will spend eleven years of your life watching television and playing.  You’ll spend six years of your life traveling.  You’ll spend six years of your life eating (some of us a little bit more than that).  You’ll spend two years of your life getting ready (except women – that will be nineteen years!).  You will spend one year in church.  A solid year in church if you are a typical American.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed this or not but time does not always cooperate with my agenda.  When I want it to go slow, it goes fast.  And when I want it to go fast, it goes slow.  Do you remember when you were in school and you were waiting for that clock to tick so you could get out of class?  It was going so slow.  Yet when things were fun the time went really fast and you’re going, “Already over?  That ride’s over?  Let’s do it again.”

Do you use those seconds wisely each and everyday? Or do you foolishly waste them and never give it a second thought. Here are some wise quotations that I wanted to share with you. As you read them, think about what they are saying to you.

All that really belongs to us is time; even he who has nothing else has that.
Baltasar Gracian

Time is what we want most, but… what we use worst.
William Penn

All my possessions for a moment of time.
Elizabeth I

If time flies when you’re having fun, it hits the afterburners when you don’t think you’re having enough.
Jef Mallett

Nothing is as far away as one minute ago.
Jim Bishop

Do you struggle with managing your time? Do you wonder where the time of day goes? Do you need help in planning your day? Here are some thoughts that can help you! Be realistic in setting your goals for time management, do not over commit yourself.

My example of poor time management: I worked at UPS in the early mornings from 3:30 to 8:30 AM. I would head home and shower, eat a quick breakfast, then head to the University of Wisconsin an hour drive. That’s the semester that I took 21 credit hours. At 3:30 in the afternoon I would go to football practice after my classes, as I was a freshman running backs coach. Practice would take 2 hours, then I’d drive back home, another hour. I would then head straight to Pepsi plant from the University to work in the warehouse until 10:00 PM. Then I’d head home to shower and go back to bed. This was a killer semester for me. I certainly over committed myself and would never do that again. I was tired all the time, and had very little energy to do anything in my life that was fun!

I would suggest that you define your top priorities: If you want to have time to do important tasks, then you better plan (that is key)! Being successful requires a well thought out game plan. Make sure that you keep a calendar on your desk, or a day timer with what action items that you need to accomplish for that day. What is important and that you must have to do that day? Write it down. Trying to recall what you need to do will rarely work. Have a list for important phone calls. Make sure that you have a date and time to call. Have a list that you can see “what has to be done today”. This must be gone over each morning without fail. Don’t plan a thing without first looking at this list.

Avoid being distracted. Looking back at my schedule while in college, I was distracted constantly. I never ate regular meals. My college studies were in between classes or in the cafeteria or all day Sunday. I didn’t have a life back then. How often do you put off doing important tasks? What areas do you waste time in? I wanted to have a time management plan (I would swear that I would stick by it) then see the news on TV, and stop, sit down and watch the news. I’d get a phone call from a friend, who just wanted to talk and I’d have things I needed to get done. I’d ask myself, “Why did I take that call?” I will waste 20 minutes talking about sports. Is my time worth something? You bet it is! Learn to avoid wasted time, and focus on what has to be done.

Do you easily get overwhelmed so that you just give up or cannot function? For many of us, that’s because we take on too many projects or over commit ourselves. You need to focus on one project at a time. Let people know that they must wait until your task is completed. I used to be the Mr. Fix it guy. I would get calls from all over the country asking me to fix relationship problems or confrontation mediation issues on the job site. All the while trying to manage a life coaching practice here in Colorado. I decided that I needed to make a priority list. Clients are first, and corporations are second.

I make a to do list for each day, week and month. This list keeps me on track and not floundering with my tasks and thoughts. I have clients tell me that one of their big problem areas is when they get side tracked by menial tasks, like straightening out their desks, rearranging books, or magazines. They may be looking for data on a website, then start surfing the Internet. They may take phone calls, start talking about personal things, and get nothing done. Some will daydream and lose all track of time. These kind of things will keep you from following your schedule and cause all kinds of problems. Stick to your commitment goals.

Ask yourself these questions, Do I need help in managing my time? Do I easily get side tracked and cannot keep to my schedule? Am I in trouble with my boss, because I don’t complete projects on time? Is my life disorganized because I have no clue where to start projects or who to ask for help? If you have asked yourself any of these questions, you can contact Dr. Mike for help in setting up a time management program.

If you would like some help in dealing with Time management issues in your life, or if the relationship that you’re in is not going well, you can contact Dr. Mike at 303.456.0555, Life Coaching is done over the phone, so there is no reason to leave your home or office.

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When To End An Argument

Just last week, a couple called and set up an appointment to discuss their relationship problems. The issue they were having was communicating with each other. We all have those days that no matter how hard we try to get our point across it causes an argument. We try to make sense of our words to the person we are talking to and when we don’t get it, they give you that look of “What did you just say?” So we try again to explain what was just said, but it only makes matters worse. The frustration level goes up and the listening skills go down. That’s when you need to walk away from an escalating disagreement. It will only get worse if you don’t. I hear it all the time when I counsel couples who can’t argue without hurtful words.

Have a game plan before you fight!

When people have arguments, what is the root cause of the disagreement? There are many reasons. For most, it’s not having a game plan when they sit down and talk. Many will fly by the seat of their pants and, come what may, find themselves totally side-tracked and off topic, making matters worse. They end up arguing about things that has no bearing on what the initial discussion was actually about. Plan to be specific about your issues and what your expectations are to get them resolved.

Case in point: Let’s say you have neighbor whose dog barks all night. The dog is keeping you up and you are not getting any sleep. This has been going on for weeks and you are at your wits end. So what do you do? There are many options.  Do you call the police? Do you talk to your neighbor? Do you rally the neighborhood against your next door neighbor? Do you say or do nothing? Which one would you pick? They all have good and bad consequences.

Calling the police about the dog might cause a problem for you, as the neighbor would question you and ask why didn’t talk to them first.  Then bad feelings might come between you. You may have an issue with the neighbor and feel a face-to-face conversation might spiral out of control. They might tell you to mind your own business and shut the door on you. Then if you rally the whole neighborhood against him/her you have created an ugly situation that may never heal. Which one would you choose and why? This is a pretty typical problem many deal with across the country.

In a situation like this, I suggest that before you go see your neighbor, you need a game plan. You don’t want to get emotional.  It’s important you stick with the facts and talk calmly.  There is no need to argue about a barking dog. Listen to the responses from your neighbor and try to reason with them. If your neighbor starts to argue with you, don’t continue the discussion. It’s over, finished. There is no use in trying to reason with somebody who will not listen to you. If you are seeing anger and frustration building up, then you need to walk away. There is no reason to get into a heated argument only to make matters worse. This is where many people get themselves into trouble. They continue to fight and argue. If it’s important to you to get your point across, do it calmly, do not raise your voice, and stick to your points. Listen as the other person responds and don’t interrupt.  As they speak to you make, sure you listen and don’t think about your response as they speak. One of the biggest problems in an argument is neither person is listening to the other. They are thinking about how to respond and have blocked out what the other person is saying. If you cannot follow the guidelines to arguing, then it’s perfectly OK to walk away and end the argument. Here are my tips to have a civil argument:

  • Have a plan before meeting the person you have a disagreement with.
  • Go with an open mind.
  • Don’t interrupt while the person is speaking.
  • Listen carefully to what is being said.
  • Talk softly.
  • Don’t yell or scream.
  • Know when to walk away and end the argument.
  • Try to be positive and respectful during argument.

These are pretty simple rules to follow. If you do, you will find that arguments or disagreements can be handled in a respectful way. Both can be winners, and that is your ultimate goal.

In closing, I want to share a story with you about a friend of mine who had a huge argument with his wife. They were fighting over who would get the dog in their upcoming divorce.  No doubt they both loved this dog equally. They both made unreasonable demands of each other about their dog. You would swear this was almost like a child custody case. After weeks of unresolved issues, I gave them my rules for arguing.  I sat down with both of them and asked them, “Are you listening to each other? Do your arguments get heated?”  They both agreed that they did. I then asked them if they knew when to quit arguing and end it? They both looked at me puzzled. There is a time, I told them, that continuing an argument that is going nowhere, is best ended immediately.  I told them to just walk away and sort things out in their mind. Then schedule a time to meet and go over their points in a constructive manner. You will find when you do this that you will fight less and get more accomplished.

If you need help in settling your disagreement call Dr. Mike

Master Life Coaching, Divorce coaching and counseling is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone 303.456.0555 or via Skype (drmike45). The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.

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Colorado’s Day Of Reckoning

AURORA, CO - JULY 22:  Greg Zanis (L) of Auror...

AURORA, CO – JULY 22: Greg Zanis (L) of Aurora, Illinois, prays with Aurora, Colorado, Mayor Steve Hogan at the twelve crosses Zanis made for a makeshift memorial to the victims of last weekend’s mass shooting at the Century 16 movie theater July 22, 2012 in Aurora, Colorado. A carpenter by trade, Zanis made the twelve white crosses that were placed near Columbine High School after a mass shooting there in 1999. Zanis said he made these crosses as fast as possible and drove all night across the country to place them across the street from the theater. Police in Aurora, a suburb of Denver, say they have James Holmes, 24, in custody after he killed 12 people and injured 59 during a midnight screening of ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ last Friday. (Image credit: Getty Images via @daylife)

The dark face of evil

The video clip shown on the national news the morning of July 20th of people running out of the movie theater seemed like a clip out of a horror film. The blood spattered clothes, the running and screaming people that the cell phone cameras picked up was both reality and terror combined. When I found out it happened in my own state of Colorado, a collage of mind rendering video began to replay itself of past and awful events.

The horrific images of Columbine High School raced in my mind’s eye while watching the Aurora events unfold on television. I said to myself, “What is going on with these people who have to kill people who are minding their own business?” The video in my mind began to blend together – the students running out of Columbine; students running out of Platte Canyon High School in Bailey and now the Century theater in Aurora. All this at 5:00 a.m. on a Friday morning. I flipped from station to station not believing what I was seeing! The images forever embedded in my brain.

The death of Colorado’s peaceful image began on April 20, 1999 when Columbine High School students Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold planned to murder hundreds of students. They ultimately killed 12 students and 1 teacher and wounded 21 other students, and then each committed suicide. I can recall so very well the images of students running out of school in single file with hands held high into the air while the police had guns drawn looking at each student that passed by, as seen from the camera on a news helicopter overhead. The day was cloudy and fit the mood of our state and the nation. The news media began reporting the events while the nation looked on. My phone began to ring with friends and family asking how close the school was to our home. The news was slow in coming, and many waited anxiously by their televisions for any news. The news got worse and worse as the day progressed. None of us slept well that night.

I visited Columbine High school the following day. As expected, it busy with local and national news trucks, reporters and hundreds of people milling about. All of Colorado was in a state of shock. We mourned, wept, held and consoled each other while the nation watched and prayed for us. Those were dark days for Colorado and the nation.

Then several years later on September 27, 2006 Colorado had another tragic event happen, this time in the small mountain town of Bailey, Colorado. Fifty-three year old Duane Morrison entered Platte Canyon High School carrying a .40-caliber Glock and a back pack he claimed was filled with explosives. Morrison took 6 high school girls hostage. After several hours he released 4 of them. When the police broke into classroom to confront Morrison, he shot Emily Keyes in the head and then committed suicide.

How well I remember that awful day. I was one of the few photographers stationed with the other major news media outlets, CNN, ABC, NBC, FOX news who were stationed at the middle school in Bailey waiting for the bus loads of children to return from High School. Along with the press were hundreds of parents, family, friends, teachers, school officials, police, and deputy sheriffs, waiting for the students to exit off the bus. I wept tears of joy as I took pictures of kids reuniting with their parents. Parents wept, children wept, even seasoned news reporters wept. Word spread that one student was shot and was flown to Denver in critical condition. After returning home, I turned on the news to learn that Emily Keyes had died from a gunshot wound. I just stared at the television screen in silence.

This time it was a different time, a different room, a different day…yet, now I was focused on watching people running for their lives from a killer in a theater in Aurora, Colorado. I made a promise to myself after the Platte Canyon shooting that I would never again photograph such pain and suffering. It was too much to bear and caused many a sleepless night. I couldn’t forget the faces of parents weeping, the faces of children in shock, and the faces of the police who could do nothing after Emily Keyes death. Has Colorado lost her innocence? In some ways yes, but not due to the majority of peaceful people who grace this beautiful state. But from those whose intent is to rob us of our eternal peace from within. They want to suffocate us with fear, death, terror, and use terror to make it happen.

I, for one, am sick of what people are saying about us and our state. “What’s in the water of Colorado?” many have asked. “Colorado is becoming a gang state” said another. I love Colorado and all it has to offer. I love the people, the cities, towns, the mountains, the views and the wildlife. That’s one of the reasons I moved here. This is my promise to you who live in Colorado: I will invite family and friends out to colorful Colorado. I will take them to local restaurants, to local gift shops and will show them the views of Colorado they will never forget. I will introduce them to you my fellow Coloradoans, my neighbors, friends, and let them judge for themselves. We who live here are good and decent people. Let’s uplift and encourage each other each and every day.

 

 

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