Blog | Divorce Counseling

Can You Save Your Marriage Alone?

Posted on September 11, 2012 by drbrooks

I get several calls a week with clients asking me if they can save their marriage when their spouse is unwilling or uninterested in doing their part to salvage the relationship. I tell them they can save it if they are willing to do a lot of hard work and never guarantee they will get the results they’re hoping for, but I know of many clients who have saved their marriage alone. When a client comes to me for counseling and coaching I sit down with them and help them through the step-by-step process of saving their marriage. I am going to share with you what you need to do for yourself and your spouse if you are, indeed, willing to do the hard work. I have seen the most difficult relationship where the couple literally hated each other, fix their marriage and become best friends again. If you’re willing to put your pride aside and make some tough commitments, anything can happen.

30.15 million viewers watched Den Watts serve Angie divorce papers (Christmas 1986). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As I headed to football practice as a high school football coach that October afternoon, there was a steady rain that reminded me that my life was in a mess. The wipers were on as I turned on the defrost to keep the windshield from fogging up. The cold rain matched my feelings towards life in general: gloomy, dark, sad and cold. I turned on the radio to drown out the noise from the wipers. As I drove, my mind raced to happier times, the few of them that I had.

One of those happier times was with my daughter when we were feeding the ducks at the park. She was 7 and full of life and wonderment. I was just starting to realize that I was a father, her father, and wondered why it took so long for me to figure that out. Looking back, my wife was probably wondering that too!

Over the years, it was slow at first, the distance that grew between my wife and me. We talked less and avoided being in the same room. She would watch TV upstairs and I would watch it in the den. I would run errands in town and found myself taking my time coming home. She would visit friends and stay for dinner and a movie just to avoid coming home. We are living in our own world. I felt safe in mine and afraid of hers. Soon we became comfortable in that day-to-day routine. I didn’t miss her and she didn’t miss me.

Looking back I tried to remember where I began to make the mistakes my marriage and as difficult as it was to face, I realized I had made plenty of them. The major ones came to light first. I remember being so involved with sports that I played ball 5 nights a week and was in tournaments on the weekends. I was never home. And to make things worse, I wasn’t good a communicating with her. I never put my wife first. I always put others first. If a phone call came, I would go rescue or help anyone in need just to get out of the house. When she had needs, I always put more importance over my needs. As you can see, I wasn’t a good husband. I was in my late twenties and very self-centered.

When I was served with divorce papers my world came crashing down around me. Prior to getting served, my wife was asking my friends if they would talk to me about working on our marriage. Each person she talked to said “no way!” They were doing the same thing I was doing to my wife – living separate lives while being married. Most of those guys are divorced now and on second and third marriages. And most of those guys were being unfaithful to their wives and wanted nothing to do with talking to me about my marriage. Besides, I was married to my sports but never realizing that I was. As you can see, I probably represent many men whose wives are considering divorce. I hope you can learn from my mistakes, if you can, you can probably save your marriage.

In next week’s article there will be some steps in correcting some of the things you’re doing that will help heal your relationship. If you have any questions please feel free to give me a call.

Posted in Divorce Coach | Leave a comment

In The Wilderness Alone

Posted on September 3, 2012 by drbrooks

Have you ever wondered why it seems like a rain cloud hangs over your head as you go through your “wilderness” experience? Have you ever wondered, as you lie in bed at night, where you can find help? I think we all can say we have been through the wilderness experience.

I often hear men and women in my practice wonder why they are stuck in life. If you are a student of the Bible you have probably read about Moses and his wilderness experience. He wandered through the desert for 40 years. Can you imagine that? As the leader of the Israelites, he also had to endure all the complaints about his leadership abilities.

What is the best way to deal with the wilderness experience? The first step is to determine what direction are you heading and is it really the direction you want to go? Once you have determined your final destination, you’ll want to find out the road conditions or struggles that may affect your travel plans. Many of us have a tendency to stay in one place and not move an inch only because we do not have a game plan for the next step. Will may sit out in the rain or storms of life and have no clue as to how to take the proper steps to get out of the desert. Does this sound familiar to you?

I hear many stories where people feel isolated and alone and they struggle trying to make sense of it all. Are you alone because of your actions or inactions? Are you alone because you have chosen to isolate yourself? These are probably the most common reasons for the wilderness experience. A recent client told me that when her husband passed away, she got plenty of attention until the day after the funeral. She said the calls stopped and people didn’t stop by the house. She felt all alone. I asked her if she did anything to connect with her friends and family. “Well, no I didn’t” she replied. I then asked her if she thought people where just trying to be careful not to intrude on her grieving time and were concerned they might be bothering her and wanted to leave her alone. I didn’t want to appear heartless, but kept asking her questions. I asked her if she thought it would be possible to reach out and invite a friend or neighbor over for a cup of coffee and conversation. I think people back off because they are afraid that they won’t know what to say.

A key to getting out of the wilderness experience is to not wait for things to come to you. You need to go to the source of comfort and peace. When life throws you a curve ball, reach out to your family and friends. Invite them to your home. You cannot live a life of isolation. That will never work!

The wilderness experience can last forever if you allow it to. To make things happen in your life, you have to go after life changing events. If you lose your job, don’t sit around and wait for a job to come to you. Start looking for work immediately. If you end an important relationship, don’t sit around and have a prolonged pity party. Go out, meet people and enjoy new friends. We have to make things happen in order to enjoy this life God gave us. I ask my clients who are having a wilderness experience this question, “Do you control your brain or does your brain control you?” A simple but thought provoking question.

Here are a few suggestions for taking control of your life when the wilderness experience happens.
•   Evaluate your position. Ask yourself how you ended up in the wilderness.
•   List the changes you need to make.
•   Don’t wait for someone to help you. Do what you need to do to get out of the wilderness.
•   Get involved in the lives of others. Go out for dinner or a movie and make new friends.
•   Invite people over and help others who are in need.
•   Don’t wait for friends and family to call you! Make phone calls to loved ones and good friends. It will lift your spirit!
•   Reconnect with old friends.
The point I want to share with you today is, don’t wait for people to come to you. Your family and friends may not realize what you are dealing with. They don’t understand. Remember, they can’t read your mind. If they could they would be there for you if they knew your needs. So reach out to them and express your feelings. That’s how we connect with hurting and lonely people who are living through the wilderness experience. Don’t delay! If you’re wandering and need a friend to walk with you during this time reach out and let them know you want some company while you get out of the wilderness.
Try some of these suggestions. I promise they will help! I have had a wilderness experience and I know first had that it’s no fun. But if there’s anything you glean out of today’s article, please remember…there will be brighter days ahead. I promise.

Posted in Dr. Mike's rants | Leave a comment

I’m Rich, and Didn’t Even Know It!

Posted on August 15, 2012 by drbrooks

Money is not the answer

Let’s suppose you had a bank account that every morning at six a.m. the bank deposited eighty six thousand four hundred dollars into your account. Like this idea? The one requirement was that you had to spend it all that day. When you went to bed at night, any of the money you had not spent would be debited back out of the account. What would you do? You’d spend every cent, wouldn’t you? You’d figure out a way to use it.

That is exactly what God does with you every twenty-four hours. He gives you eighty six thousand four hundred seconds. God says you can use this any way you want to use it. But at the end of the day any that’s unused or misused or didn’t use, you lose. If you don’t use it, you lose it. And you’re never going to get it back.

If you are an average American you will live twenty five thousand five hundred fifty days. If you live to be seventy years of age you will spend in your life time twenty-three years of your life sleeping, seventeen years of your life working. You will spend eleven years of your life watching television and playing. You’ll spend six years of your life traveling. You’ll spend six years of your life eating (some of us a little bit more than that). You’ll spend two years of your life getting ready (except women – that will be nineteen years!). You will spend one year in church. A solid year in church if you are a typical American.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed this or not but time does not always cooperate with my agenda. When I want it to go slow, it goes fast. And when I want it to go fast, it goes slow. Do you remember when you were in school and you were waiting for that clock to tick so you could get out of class? It was going so slow. Yet when things were fun the time went really fast and you’re going, “Already over? That ride’s over? Let’s do it again.”

Do you use those seconds wisely each and everyday? Or do you foolishly waste them and never give it a second thought. Here are some wise quotations that I wanted to share with you. As you read them, think about what they are saying to you.

All that really belongs to us is time; even he who has nothing else has that.
Baltasar Gracian

Time is what we want most, but… what we use worst.
William Penn

All my possessions for a moment of time.
Elizabeth I

If time flies when you’re having fun, it hits the afterburners when you don’t think you’re having enough.
Jef Mallett

Nothing is as far away as one minute ago.
Jim Bishop

Do you struggle with managing your time? Do you wonder where the time of day goes? Do you need help in planning your day? Here are some thoughts that can help you! Be realistic in setting your goals for time management, do not over commit yourself.

My example of poor time management: I worked at UPS in the early mornings from 3:30 to 8:30 AM. I would head home and shower, eat a quick breakfast, then head to the University of Wisconsin an hour drive. That’s the semester that I took 21 credit hours. At 3:30 in the afternoon I would go to football practice after my classes, as I was a freshman running backs coach. Practice would take 2 hours, then I’d drive back home, another hour. I would then head straight to Pepsi plant from the University to work in the warehouse until 10:00 PM. Then I’d head home to shower and go back to bed. This was a killer semester for me. I certainly over committed myself and would never do that again. I was tired all the time, and had very little energy to do anything in my life that was fun!

I would suggest that you define your top priorities: If you want to have time to do important tasks, then you better plan (that is key)! Being successful requires a well thought out game plan. Make sure that you keep a calendar on your desk, or a day timer with what action items that you need to accomplish for that day. What is important and that you must have to do that day? Write it down. Trying to recall what you need to do will rarely work. Have a list for important phone calls. Make sure that you have a date and time to call. Have a list that you can see “what has to be done today”. This must be gone over each morning without fail. Don’t plan a thing without first looking at this list.

Avoid being distracted. Looking back at my schedule while in college, I was distracted constantly. I never ate regular meals. My college studies were in between classes or in the cafeteria or all day Sunday. I didn’t have a life back then. How often do you put off doing important tasks? What areas do you waste time in? I wanted to have a time management plan (I would swear that I would stick by it) then see the news on TV, and stop, sit down and watch the news. I’d get a phone call from a friend, who just wanted to talk and I’d have things I needed to get done. I’d ask myself, “Why did I take that call?” I will waste 20 minutes talking about sports. Is my time worth something? You bet it is! Learn to avoid wasted time, and focus on what has to be done.

Do you easily get overwhelmed so that you just give up or cannot function? For many of us, that’s because we take on too many projects or over commit ourselves. You need to focus on one project at a time. Let people know that they must wait until your task is completed. I used to be the Mr. Fix it guy. I would get calls from all over the country asking me to fix relationship problems or confrontation mediation issues on the job site. All the while trying to manage a life coaching practice here in Colorado. I decided that I needed to make a priority list. Clients are first, and corporations are second.

I make a to do list for each day, week and month. This list keeps me on track and not floundering with my tasks and thoughts. I have clients tell me that one of their big problem areas is when they get side tracked by menial tasks, like straightening out their desks, rearranging books, or magazines. They may be looking for data on a website, then start surfing the Internet. They may take phone calls, start talking about personal things, and get nothing done. Some will daydream and lose all track of time. These kind of things will keep you from following your schedule and cause all kinds of problems. Stick to your commitment goals.

Ask yourself these questions, Do I need help in managing my time? Do I easily get side tracked and cannot keep to my schedule? Am I in trouble with my boss, because I don’t complete projects on time? Is my life disorganized because I have no clue where to start projects or who to ask for help? If you have asked yourself any of these questions, you can contact Dr. Mike for help in setting up a time management program.

If you would like some help in dealing with Time management issues in your life, or if the relationship that you’re in is not going well, you can contact Dr. Mike at 303.456.0555, Life Coaching is done over the phone, so there is no reason to leave your home or office.

Posted in Life in general | Leave a comment

When To End An Argument

Posted on August 6, 2012 by drbrooks

Just last week, a couple called and set up an appointment to discuss their relationship problems. The issue they were having was communicating with each other. We all have those days that no matter how hard we try to get our point across it causes an argument. We try to make sense of our words to the person we are talking to and when we don’t get it, they give you that look of “What did you just say?” So we try again to explain what was just said, but it only makes matters worse. The frustration level goes up and the listening skills go down. That’s when you need to walk away from an escalating disagreement. It will only get worse if you don’t. I hear it all the time when I counsel couples who can’t argue without hurtful words.

Have a game plan before you fight!

When people have arguments, what is the root cause of the disagreement? There are many reasons. For most, it’s not having a game plan when they sit down and talk. Many will fly by the seat of their pants and, come what may, find themselves totally side-tracked and off topic, making matters worse. They end up arguing about things that has no bearing on what the initial discussion was actually about. Plan to be specific about your issues and what your expectations are to get them resolved.

Case in point: Let’s say you have neighbor whose dog barks all night. The dog is keeping you up and you are not getting any sleep. This has been going on for weeks and you are at your wits end. So what do you do? There are many options. Do you call the police? Do you talk to your neighbor? Do you rally the neighborhood against your next door neighbor? Do you say or do nothing? Which one would you pick? They all have good and bad consequences.

Calling the police about the dog might cause a problem for you, as the neighbor would question you and ask why didn’t talk to them first. Then bad feelings might come between you. You may have an issue with the neighbor and feel a face-to-face conversation might spiral out of control. They might tell you to mind your own business and shut the door on you. Then if you rally the whole neighborhood against him/her you have created an ugly situation that may never heal. Which one would you choose and why? This is a pretty typical problem many deal with across the country.

In a situation like this, I suggest that before you go see your neighbor, you need a game plan. You don’t want to get emotional. It’s important you stick with the facts and talk calmly. There is no need to argue about a barking dog. Listen to the responses from your neighbor and try to reason with them. If your neighbor starts to argue with you, don’t continue the discussion. It’s over, finished. There is no use in trying to reason with somebody who will not listen to you. If you are seeing anger and frustration building up, then you need to walk away. There is no reason to get into a heated argument only to make matters worse. This is where many people get themselves into trouble. They continue to fight and argue. If it’s important to you to get your point across, do it calmly, do not raise your voice, and stick to your points. Listen as the other person responds and don’t interrupt. As they speak to you make, sure you listen and don’t think about your response as they speak. One of the biggest problems in an argument is neither person is listening to the other. They are thinking about how to respond and have blocked out what the other person is saying. If you cannot follow the guidelines to arguing, then it’s perfectly OK to walk away and end the argument. Here are my tips to have a civil argument:

Have a plan before meeting the person you have a disagreement with.
Go with an open mind.
Don’t interrupt while the person is speaking.
Listen carefully to what is being said.
Talk softly.
Don’t yell or scream.
Know when to walk away and end the argument.
Try to be positive and respectful during argument.

These are pretty simple rules to follow. If you do, you will find that arguments or disagreements can be handled in a respectful way. Both can be winners, and that is your ultimate goal.

In closing, I want to share a story with you about a friend of mine who had a huge argument with his wife. They were fighting over who would get the dog in their upcoming divorce. No doubt they both loved this dog equally. They both made unreasonable demands of each other about their dog. You would swear this was almost like a child custody case. After weeks of unresolved issues, I gave them my rules for arguing. I sat down with both of them and asked them, “Are you listening to each other? Do your arguments get heated?” They both agreed that they did. I then asked them if they knew when to quit arguing and end it? They both looked at me puzzled. There is a time, I told them, that continuing an argument that is going nowhere, is best ended immediately. I told them to just walk away and sort things out in their mind. Then schedule a time to meet and go over their points in a constructive manner. You will find when you do this that you will fight less and get more accomplished.

: If you need help in settling your disagreement call Dr. Mike

Master Life Coaching, Divorce coaching and counseling is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone 303.456.0555 or via Skype (drmike45). The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.

Posted in Dr. Mike's rants, Life in general | Tagged Dr Mike Brooks divorce coach and counselor | Leave a comment

Colorado’s Day Of Reckoning

Posted on July 30, 2012 by drbrooks

AURORA, CO – JULY 22: Greg Zanis (L) of Aurora, Illinois, prays with Aurora, Colorado, Mayor Steve Hogan at the twelve crosses Zanis made for a makeshift memorial to the victims of last weekend’s mass shooting at the Century 16 movie theater July 22, 2012 in Aurora, Colorado. A carpenter by trade, Zanis made the twelve white crosses that were placed near Columbine High School after a mass shooting there in 1999. Zanis said he made these crosses as fast as possible and drove all night across the country to place them across the street from the theater. Police in Aurora, a suburb of Denver, say they have James Holmes, 24, in custody after he killed 12 people and injured 59 during a midnight screening of ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ last Friday. (Image credit: Getty Images via @daylife)

: The dark face of evil

The video clip shown on the national news the morning of July 20th of people running out of the movie theater seemed like a clip out of a horror film. The blood spattered clothes, the running and screaming people that the cell phone cameras picked up was both reality and terror combined. When I found out it happened in my own state of Colorado, a collage of mind rendering video began to replay itself of past and awful events.

The horrific images of Columbine High School raced in my mind’s eye while watching the Aurora events unfold on television. I said to myself, “What is going on with these people who have to kill people who are minding their own business?” The video in my mind began to blend together – the students running out of Columbine; students running out of Platte Canyon High School in Bailey and now the Century theater in Aurora. All this at 5:00 a.m. on a Friday morning. I flipped from station to station not believing what I was seeing! The images forever embedded in my brain.

The death of Colorado’s peaceful image began on April 20, 1999 when Columbine High School students Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold planned to murder hundreds of students. They ultimately killed 12 students and 1 teacher and wounded 21 other students, and then each committed suicide. I can recall so very well the images of students running out of school in single file with hands held high into the air while the police had guns drawn looking at each student that passed by, as seen from the camera on a news helicopter overhead. The day was cloudy and fit the mood of our state and the nation. The news media began reporting the events while the nation looked on. My phone began to ring with friends and family asking how close the school was to our home. The news was slow in coming, and many waited anxiously by their televisions for any news. The news got worse and worse as the day progressed. None of us slept well that night.

I visited Columbine High school the following day. As expected, it busy with local and national news trucks, reporters and hundreds of people milling about. All of Colorado was in a state of shock. We mourned, wept, held and consoled each other while the nation watched and prayed for us. Those were dark days for Colorado and the nation.

Then several years later on September 27, 2006 Colorado had another tragic event happen, this time in the small mountain town of Bailey, Colorado. Fifty-three year old Duane Morrison entered Platte Canyon High School carrying a .40-caliber Glock and a back pack he claimed was filled with explosives. Morrison took 6 high school girls hostage. After several hours he released 4 of them. When the police broke into classroom to confront Morrison, he shot Emily Keyes in the head and then committed suicide.

How well I remember that awful day. I was one of the few photographers stationed with the other major news media outlets, CNN, ABC, NBC, FOX news who were stationed at the middle school in Bailey waiting for the bus loads of children to return from High School. Along with the press were hundreds of parents, family, friends, teachers, school officials, police, and deputy sheriffs, waiting for the students to exit off the bus. I wept tears of joy as I took pictures of kids reuniting with their parents. Parents wept, children wept, even seasoned news reporters wept. Word spread that one student was shot and was flown to Denver in critical condition. After returning home, I turned on the news to learn that Emily Keyes had died from a gunshot wound. I just stared at the television screen in silence.

This time it was a different time, a different room, a different day…yet, now I was focused on watching people running for their lives from a killer in a theater in Aurora, Colorado. I made a promise to myself after the Platte Canyon shooting that I would never again photograph such pain and suffering. It was too much to bear and caused many a sleepless night. I couldn’t forget the faces of parents weeping, the faces of children in shock, and the faces of the police who could do nothing after Emily Keyes death. Has Colorado lost her innocence? In some ways yes, but not due to the majority of peaceful people who grace this beautiful state. But from those whose intent is to rob us of our eternal peace from within. They want to suffocate us with fear, death, terror, and use terror to make it happen.

I, for one, am sick of what people are saying about us and our state. “What’s in the water of Colorado?” many have asked. “Colorado is becoming a gang state” said another. I love Colorado and all it has to offer. I love the people, the cities, towns, the mountains, the views and the wildlife. That’s one of the reasons I moved here. This is my promise to you who live in Colorado: I will invite family and friends out to colorful Colorado. I will take them to local restaurants, to local gift shops and will show them the views of Colorado they will never forget. I will introduce them to you my fellow Coloradoans, my neighbors, friends, and let them judge for themselves. We who live here are good and decent people. Let’s uplift and encourage each other each and every day.

Posted in In The News | Leave a comment

How to regain your sanity while going through a divorce

Posted on July 23, 2012 by drbrooks

Don’t lose your sanity through your divorce

I get several calls a week from folks asking me for help with their divorce. The stress that goes along with a trial separation and divorce can be overwhelming at times. Many feel they are going to lose their sanity at times while others seem to sail right through the divorce process and then suffer with the emotional fallout in the end. How do you manage your life during the divorce process?

When your world is crashing around you and your life seems out of control, what can you do? I recommend you take a time out even if it’s for 15 minutes. Put your mind at rest, stop with the paper work, turn off the phone, turn off the TV or radio then sit back close your eyes and relax. Once you have taken a few minutes to relax you can then refocus and set your priorities. Many times my clients get bogged down on insignificant issues that take valuable time away from the real issues.

To regain your sanity I recommend the following:

1. Prioritize by date. Make a list of things that have to be done in a certain time period.

2. Have all the necessary paper work separated in individual files (taxes, bills, credit card receipts, bank statements, retirement plans.)

3. Make an itemized list of your expenses.

4. Don’t wait till the last minute to get things done. Plan well in advance and stick with a due date to complete action items.

People get themselves into trouble when they wait until the last minute to fill out paper work, procrastinate making phone calls to obtain critical information and some even avoid turning in proper paper work to the courts and lawyers. I see this a great deal with divorce cases and it causes undue stress!

Another area where you can help yourself is to avoid poking your soon-to-be-ex in the eye. It’s important to avoid all arguments and disagreements if possible. Arguing only creates division in your divorce. If you need help settling disputes make sure you have the issues written down and contact a mediator to help resolve the problems. The less stress that you put on yourself the better you will feel will ultimately be able to communicate your wishes in a calm and orderly fashion.

Avoid the temptation of holding grudges! Just let it go. You don’t need to bring up the past to prove your point. I have seen more clients end up paying huge lawyer fees because of unending bickering. Stop fighting with each other and stop making unreasonable requests. Be as agreeable as you can. Yes, divorce is traumatic to everyone involved and that includes you your ex and your children.

I am reminded of a couple that I counseled that literally fought over a gravy bowl! One claimed that her grandmother had given it to her as an heirloom and she wasn’t going to budge an inch! That gravy bowl issue was an expensive part of the divorce. The lawyers were brought in and the matter had to be settled in court. Even the judge was angry about it. Does this happen in divorces? Yes it does!

In my opinion its best to do everything you can to maintain your sanity at all cost. Be prepared for whatever may come. Plan ahead and stay the course. After all, peace in your life is your goal so why not start now!

Posted in Divorce Coach | Leave a comment

GPS Gone Bad

Posted on July 16, 2012 by drbrooks

Personal GPS needs to be on target

“Are you sure we are headed the right way?” the husband asked his wife. “I told you the GPS never fails! It’s always right!” she responded. They were lost in Omaha and miles away from getting back on track. He reminded her that they were to be headed east and not north. “Just follow the GPS,” she said. “It will get us home.” So together they followed the instructions from the GPS and drove north 20 miles only to rerouted back south to the road they just traveled on. He was frustrated not only at the GPS but with her for trusting the GPS and not his intuition.

When a GPS works correctly it can be a great tool to have. I use them when looking for an unfamiliar address. Friends of mine use them when they fish or are on their ATVs. They are great for hikers and road trips. That’s when they work and 99.9% they work just fine. But what about the .1% when they don’t? I was on a trip up in Minnesota recently and was 40 miles north of Minneapolis. My GPS said to exit off the major road and onto a side road. The signs over the highway were clearly marked “To Minneapolis” the other read “To Saint Paul”. Yet my GPS was telling me to exit off the road and into a little town. I had time to kill so I wanted to see where my GPS would take me.

The detour off the main highway took me 30 minutes out of the way and 12 miles off course. It finally got me back on the main road but it was definitely not a time saver. I learned a valuable lesson that afternoon. I had time to think about my personal GPS – the one inside of me – the one that guides me and keeps me on the road I need to travel. Have you ever thought about your future and how your internal GPS you will get there? Let’s face it, when we plan a trip we look at maps, search the web for good directions and even program a starting address to an ending address. We should put as much thought and preparation into planning our day, week month and year.

My suggestion is this, when your feet hit the floor plan your day before you leave the house. Make sure you have a productive day planned. Where people get into trouble is when they have nothing planned and wait for things to happen. Who guides you? Who controls you? Part of owning and operating a GPS is that you have to input a “go to address”. That could be the start of your day. Have a list of things that must be done that day. Include appointments and people you need to see. Make a point of staying away from anyone who has a negative influence on you. My personal GPS keeps me away from roads that can cause me harm, or take me away from the things I know are right or wrong. Is your personal GPS programmed that way? If not then you better start looking to program your personal GPS to find the right roads to go down.

How does one program their personal GPS if it needs to be recalibrated? I suggest the following:

Detour The places you shouldn’t be going to. Places that get you into trouble. Places that cause your grief and trouble. Places that bring up bad memories.

Hazards These are possible events that should make you slow down and think before going full speed ahead. This could include all kinds of unhealthy people from your family, friends or co-workers. If they stress you out, there is a reason to slow down and look at why you feel the way you do about these people.

Know your starting point and your ending point. Make sure that you know the proper address before entering it into your personal GPS. This includes the place you’ve entered into the GPS, a well known address: meaning person or place. Is it a safe route, one that others have traveled down without danger or fear? Is this person or place good for you or the loved ones in your life?

These are just a few cautions I have laid out for you. Always make sure that your personal GPS keeps you safe along life’s roads. If the trip you’re on in this life is unsafe, then by all means turn around and head back home. Some of the people I know who have no personal GPS are miserable and in trouble. They ask, “How can you be so calm in life’s storms?” It’s pretty simple: Stay the course of your personal GPS. If your intuition tells you something is not right then don’t go down that road! The choice is yours.

Is your personal GPS out of whack? Do you need help in finding the right course for your life? Do you distracted when making personal goals for yourself? Do you get confused when trying to make necessary changes for yourself? If you answered yes to any of these questions call Dr. Mike for an appointment today.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Boundaries in Money

Posted on July 10, 2012 by drbrooks

Have boundaries on your money or face real trouble ahead

: Judge Judy Sheindlin (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When is the last time you can remember someone asking to borrow $20? I knew a guy who was always asking for money. He constantly complained that he did not have enough money for gas and food, yet he always had money to have his dog groomed and bought his dog expensive food. His constant requests for money drove me crazy!

I love watching Judge Judy. She’s spot on most of the time! One of her favorite expressions is “If someone asks you for money, give it as a gift because most likely you will never get it back. Be sure to tell them it’s a one-time gift.” I agree with that statement.

A few years ago a family member contacted me who was in need of money for his medications. I was more than willing to help him out. I also remember him telling me that he would pay me back within two weeks. I wired the money and then waited for him to repay it. A month later he called but never mentioned the money I loaned him. A year later he called again asking for money. This time I told him I couldn’t help him and reminded him of how important it is that we keep our word and that since he never repaid what he originally borrowed, I could not honor his request. I also told him he didn’t need to repay the original loan and could consider it a one-time gift.

We certainly need boundaries regarding our finances and money we loan. You are not a bank, or for that matter, Fort Knox! What we need to understand that once you loan friends or family money, it is highly likely the friendship will come to an end. That’s the cold hard fact. You have to decide if you’re willing to lose a friendship over loaning someone money.

Do you have boundaries established in the case that someone comes to you for a loan? If you loaned someone money in the past and they never paid you back and you had a chance to do things over, how would you handle it now? Would you loan them the money? Would you have stipulations in loaning them money? Would you have had them sign a legal binding contract? What would change?

The first question you have to ask yourself is whether you can afford to loan money? If you have to use money that is meant for paying your bills then you are certainly not in a position to loan or gift the money. If it’s money set aside for food or insurance, again I would say do not loan your money! When you loan money just plan never to get it back. I have seen the best of friends part ways because of unpaid loans. I have seen them in court as well. Plan to have an answer if someone you know comes to you and asks for money. Don’t be caught off guard and give away money you can’t afford to give away. Saying no may save a friendship in the long run.

Loaning money has caused many a divorce. I have seen one spouse loan money without consulting with the other spouse. When the unsuspecting spouse finds out why is money missing out of a joint account there is trouble in paradise. Protect your money! Hard times are a coming.

We all struggle with boundaries. Do you need help setting up your boundaries? Do you have difficulty telling people ‘no’ when they ask you for money? Are you tired of letting people walk all over you? Does your spouse, children or co-workers need to know your boundaries? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you need to call Dr. Mike today.

Posted in Life in general, Uncategorized | Tagged borrow, boundaries in money, Dr. Mike, finances, loan, repayment | Leave a comment

Boundaries in Love (Part Two)

Posted on July 8, 2012 by drbrooks

Make sure your boundaries keep you out of trouble

Boundaries in Love

We have talked about boundaries in our life and how necessary they are. They have to be established long before you being to date. Some of the boundaries you might want to consider are: is this person I’m dating trustworthy? Are they truthful? Are they in multiple relationships? Do they live with their parents? Do they have a job? Do they have good relationships with their parents? Are they responsible with money? Do they have good friends?

After you have thought about what you are looking for in a healthy relationship, now is the time to sit down, and write out your boundaries and stick to them. Don’t sell your boundaries out when someone comes into your life to fill a void. Selling out will only create more problems if you compromise your boundaries.

I got a call from a young man who was smitten with a woman he had just met. He said she was friendly, she enjoyed gambling, was a great cook. She also had 7 cats and was a night owl. “Ok, so what’s the problem?” I asked. “Well, you know I don’t gamble, I go to bed early and I am allergic to cats.” He replied. When I asked him why he wanted to date her he said she treats him nice, likes to talk and actually listens to him. He also noted that no one had ever been attracted to him like this woman. “So let me get this right. You’re attracted to a woman who gambles, has 7 cats and is a night owl?” I asked. “I know it sounds crazy”, he said. I agreed with him and advised him that I didn’t think the relationship would be a long term relationship for him. When I reminded him of the boundaries he set up for his dating relationships, he agreed he had set them aside. “Ok, ok you’re right! I will not pursue this relationship” he said. It’s a good thing he didn’t! It never would have worked out.

Remember, boundaries in your love life will keep you out of trouble. If you haven’t already written out what your boundaries should look like, do it today! List at least 5 boundaries you will not compromise no matter how perfect the person may appear in looks or wealth or fame! A young woman told me one day, “I don’t want to lose out by saying “no” to those I may be interested in.” All I can say is, “so what?”

If someone is challenging your boundaries right off the bat, it’s time to say “thanks, but no thanks.” This is not the time to be vacillating on your principle. Stick to your guns and spare the heartache by remaining true to yourself. The right person will come along, just wait and see! We all struggle with boundaries. Do you need help setting up your boundaries in your love life? Do you have difficulty telling people ‘no’ who push the limits of your boundaries? If you do, then I would suggest that you take some time to decide what your boundaries are.

Master Life Coaching, Divorce coaching and counseling is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone you can call 303.456.0555 or via Skype (drmike45). The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.

Posted in Dr. Mike's rants | Tagged Boundaries in love, love, trustworthy | Leave a comment

Boundaries in Love (Part One)

Posted on July 4, 2012 by drbrooks

Boundaries in Love

A recent client of mine shared with me how desperately she wanted to be married and was afraid she would never meet the right man. She was a full-time working mother of two small children. I asked her to give me all the reasons why she really wanted to be married. She said she needed someone who would help her raise her children and provide the companionship she longed for. When I asked her to dig a little deeper, we got to the heart of the matter.

“I don’t want to be lonely and alone.” She went on to say, “And I can’t stand it that people think I’m a loser in my three failed marriages. I just can’t even think about not having a man in my life.” I’m sure many of you reading this know someone who feels this way. It’s really sad that people get involved in relationships just to avoid being lonely. At times you may hear the other side of the coin where people say they can’t wait to be on their own and by themselves, longing for a break from their relationships.

So you ask yourself, “What’s love got to do with it?” It’s certainly not the one night stands, nor is it the dating machine people may think you are. Having boundaries in your love life keeps you out of trouble and keeps you safe while looking for the right person to come along.

What are some boundaries you have established life that help you as you search for the right person? Do you date people only for their good looks or because they have money? Do you date people for their celebrity status or fame? Do you date people because they love to party? Or do you date someone for their compassion or their kindness? Do you date someone because of their funny personality and fine sense of humor? How about dating the person who puts you first and truly enjoys spending time with you? Do you date someone you can talk to and listens to you?

We all struggle with boundaries. Do you need help setting up your boundaries in your love life? Do you have difficulty telling people ‘no’ who push the limits of your boundaries? Are you tired of letting people walk all over you? Do you attract the wrong kind of people? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you need to read Dr. Mike’s next article part two “Boundaries in Love (Part Two)

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged Boundaries in love, lonely, one night stands, relationships | Leave a comment