Blog | Divorce Counseling

Forgiveness (2)

Posted on June 20, 2014 by drbrooks

Forgiveness (2)

Letting go can open all kinds of doors for you

In part (1) we covered the basics of forgiveness, this week we will go over a plan on how implement forgiveness techniques. Take a look and see if these tips can help you over come some of your unforgiveness. If you need to go to someone and make things right make that happen today, don’t delay! Today’s tips are 1 through 5.

1. Nobody’s Perfect we all screw up
You’re not perfect and neither am I, no matter how hard we try to be. We are all human and we all make mistakes. I remember reading a book about a woman who had a near death experience, and one of the things she wrote about was how she realized how often she had offended people on earth and had absolutely no idea that she had done it. At some point you will need to ask someone for forgiveness, so humble yourselves and learn to forgive others when they need it… whether they ask for it or not.

2. You’ve Been Forgiven and so have I
This goes back to my first point in that at some point in your life you will need forgiveness. I’m sure you can think of at least one occasion in your life, let’s think back to high school if your memory is a bit foggy. I do believe to a degree that what goes around comes around, so if you can get in the flow of forgiving others you will find that (hopefully) you will be forgiven when needed as well.

3. Don’t Take It Personally
This can be so hard to do, but it’s necessary and so helpful to get through this thing called life. I can’t tell you how many times I have thought that someone was mad at me or ignoring me, when really they were just incredibly busy or dealing with their own drama or pain to even remember me. We all do it at some point. I have learned (and am still learning) to not take things so personally, because often another person’s behavior has nothing to do with you. I guess I should say that my default is no longer to take things personally. There will still be times where we are the source of another person’s negative reactions or words, but it shouldn’t be our default assumption.

4. Their Shoes
We’ve all heard this a thousand times: to try to put ourselves in other’s shoes. There’s no way to truly do that. But I do find that if I try to be as thoughtful as possible and don’t take things personally, it’s easier to consider the position another person is coming from and why they may behave the way that they do. I read the other day that “hurt people hurt people.” It’s so true. If you have a thorny person in your life they are probably dealing with a lot of pain that needs to be healed. It’s not up to you to heal them obviously, but you can at least consider that when dealing with them.

5. Life Is Short
This quote from Mother Teresa sums this up better than I can.

“People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, they may accuse you of having selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you’ve got anyway. You … see, in the end, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway.”

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Life Coaching and Counseling Services. His services are affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching and counseling for those who live out of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You’ll be glad you did!

Posted in Divorce Coach, Life in general, relationships | Tagged forgiveness, mother teresa, selfish, unforgiveness | Leave a comment

Forgiveness (1)

Posted on May 25, 2014 by drbrooks

Why do some people like to hold on to bitterness and use it as a weapon on those they know and love? Their pretty easy to spot once you have interaction with them. They don’t usually hide it and it appears that they are very comfortable with letting others know they harbor bitterness. In fact some people who are bitter feel that they owe the world a poke in the eye when they are bitter and hurting.

Saving your marriage takes lots of energy!

Go to the person who has hurt you

I was at a breakfast a while back where there were several of us sitting around a table waiting for our orders. I knew just sitting across from this lady there were gonna be fireworks from her to someone at our table. I didn’t have to wait long. Our breakfast orders were brought out to us. The woman and I had ordered the same omelette. I got mine first and it looked great. She got her’s and it looked good. She stared at her omelette and said it was burned. I looked and it looked fine..she pointed at the edge and said “look, right there!” I couldn’t see it but offered her my omelette in exchange for hers. She looked at me and the others sitting around the table and in a loud voice said, “I want to be mad about my breakfast.”

The table became very quiet and she blasted the poor waiter and let him know in no uncertain terms she was angry and demanded a new meal. It was embarrassing for the entire group. This woman has no friends and her children want nothing to do with her. When around her there is no joy whatsoever only bad vibes. I know she has hurt many people in the past and has done nothing to ask forgiveness and repair broken relationships. Why is that?

I suppose some folks just don’t want to forgive and see that making amends can be to hard for them. They are missing out on the joy they could have back in their lives just by saying “I forgive you.”. I have seen amazing accounts of forgiveness given to people who never deserved it in the worlds eyes. I remember on one such occasion that the world watched an Amish community respond to the murders of several schoolgirls in 2006. A gunman entered the one-room Amish school in Nickel Mines, Pennsylvania. The twenty-five children were terrified as Charles Roberts ordered the boys and the teacher to leave the school and kept the ten remaining girls and tied them up by their legs. He then planned to shoot them execution style. The oldest girl a thirteen year old pleaded with the gunman to kill her and let the others go. He refused and shot and killed 5 girls and critically wounded the 5 others. He shot himself after the police stormed the school-house. His reason for killing and wounding the Amish girls? ” I’m angry at God for taking my little girl.” He told the children before his shooting rampage.

This story was in the news both TV and print media. The world watched to see how the Amish would respond. There were over 50 television crews waiting in this small Amish community to see what the leaders would do and how they would respond to the murders of their children. The world waited and was shocked to hear that the Amish community extended forgiveness to the family of the one who murdered their children.

The world expected the Amish to be bitter and angry over the murders of their children. How could forgiveness be offered so quickly the news media asked? What’s interesting is that the story soon turned from the murders to the act of forgiveness. The world was now learning from the Amish how forgiveness works and the healing aspect of it. If only we could be so forgiving of those who have offended us. If we could let go of the pain that others have caused us.

After all the funerals of the little girls and while still grieving many of these family members attended the funeral of the murderer. Roberts widow was moved by the Amish compassion and forgiveness. Many talked with her after the funeral of her husband. The amazing fact from all this is how the Amish set up a fund to support the family of the killer. That my friends is forgiveness.

One of the hardest things for us to do when wronged is to respond with kindness. It flies in the face of evil. Many of us love to read stories about how people responded with kindness when something evil happened to them. But when it strikes us personally then that’s a whole different story. We seem to get indignant, angry, hateful, bitter and that’s ok. My point is this, “let it go.” Move on, get past the bitterness and enjoy your life. Keep this in mind. The hate you may feel toward your adversary does not harm him or her in the way that you want. “resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for it to kill your enemy.”

Do you want help in learning how to forgive? Or is it you just don’t want to let go because it gives you something to live for day to day? Here are some tips for those of you who want to let go and move on. I got some of these from Leslie Mitchell who understands the meaning of forgiveness. next week we will go over some her suggestions for forgiveness. I see a lot of people in my office who struggle with forgiving those who have offended them. These tips are a good starting point to work with.

Posted in relationships | Tagged bitter and angry, hold on to bitterness, how forgiveness works, making amends | Leave a comment

I’m Not Responsible. It’s Your Fault! (2)

Posted on May 8, 2014 by drbrooks

There is always hope if you’re willing to fight for your marriage

Another excuse for not taking responsibility for their actions. “The reason I am so over weight is McDonalds should know better in using the wrong kind of fat when they make their french fries. It’s their fault I am gaining weight. I am talking to a lawyer to see if I have a case for my obesity.” Remember when the woman spilled her hot coffee in her lap at the drivethru and blaming McDonalds for making the coffee to hot. Whose fault was that? She sued and won millions in her case. What message did she send to her family and the millions of people who saw this on the news? It’s not my fault I spilled the coffee.

One of my favorites is “I didn’t do my homework because I couldn’t find my history book.” Kids today have so many electronics at their disposal. There can be a problem with that. It takes kids away from doing their homework, introduces some kids into porn. Many kids get hooked on the games they play for hours. Parents need to be checking into their kids electronics on a regular basis. Who is responsible for the kids at home and at school? The kids learn from watching their parents blame each other for their personal failures. I have heard some parents blame each other for their kids grades. It’s time to stop blaming each other and take 100% responsibility for our actions. Our kids need to see that.

I think it’s time that we as friends, parents, married couples, children all of us start looking at ourselves and make a commitment to be 100% responsible for all our actions. We need to stop blaming others, we need to stop making excuses and be 100% honest with ourselves and each other. This is one thing in your life that you can control. The question is do you want to make that commitment?

I am looking for those of you who would like to be a part of the 100% responsibility club. In order to be in this club you need to be willing to be wrong and have to be willing to do what it takes to make the wrong right! It’s called being accountable to each other. Many of you have had years of making excuses, blaming others, or using justification to get you off the hook. If you join this club, starting today you will be done with a lifetime of making excuses and accepting full responsibility for your actions. It’s called being real and transparent. If you are interested in joining this 100% Responsibility Club send me an e-mail.

Do you need help in being a 100% responsible for your actions? Do you need to be 100% honest in your relationships and want help in making that happen? Are you needing help in rebuilding trust in a relationship that you were responsible for the problems? If you answered yes to any of these questions please give Dr. Mike a call to get some help.

Posted in Divorce Coach, Life in general, relationships | Tagged be responsible, blaming others, excuses, friends, married couples | Leave a comment

I’m Not Responsible. It’s Your Fault!

Posted on April 29, 2014 by drbrooks

I’m Not Responsible. It’s Your Fault! (1)

Stay the course when fighting for your marriage

When was the last time you heard someone blame another person for THEIR bad behavior or not taking responsibility for their actions? I see it in my office all the time. The blaming of others is at an epidemic high. It’s in our schools, at the work place, even in our marriages and homes. Instead of accepting full responsibility we want to blame away our problems on any body except ourselves. I hear about parents who don’t confront their kids when the excuses start to fly (not doing homework, not cleaning their rooms, or fighting with their siblings). Why is that? Parents, many of them don’t like to argue with their kids and let their excuses pass.

Today many parents don’t take responsibility for the actions of their kids at home or in school. Parents will blame teachers, the schools, and the kids friends and think that’s OK. Yes kids should know better, but do the parents correct bad behavior? I do know of some that do. That’s refreshing to see these days. Kids do well in school settings when the parents take control of their kids questionable behavior and habitual using excuses to get out of doing homework.

We live in a victim society that allows people to blame others for their failures. I know many who will make excuses or blame others who don’t do their part at work or at home. You know who they are as I do. My thought on those who blame others on a regular basis don’t have a life. Being 100% responsible for your actions will free you from the habit of excuses. I say take 100% responsibility in all your relationships and if you mess up take the blame and don’t blame others for what you did. If you think it will be easier to blame others and get away with it..think again! Once people find out you were responsible for your action..look out..it will be disastrous for you in the long run.

Growing up in an army family with my dad being an officer you were held to a higher standard growing up. If we screwed up we paid for it in a timely manner. You seldom repeated blaming others for your mistakes because the consequences were swift and painful.

The marriage dilemma we face today in this country is out of control. Men and women who had affairs will blame the spouse for the affair. I had one man in my office say “the reason I had an affair my wife didn’t show me any respect so I found someone that did!” In marriage each person shares the responsibility in keeping the marriage intact. Stop blaming each other and get help in repairing your marriage. Divorce is preventable.

I am looking for those of you who would like to be a part of the 100% responsibility club. In order to be in this club you need to be willing to be wrong and have to be willing to do what it takes to make the wrong right! It’s called being accountable to each other. Many of you have had years of making excuses, blaming others, or using justification to get you off the hook. If you join this club, starting today you will be done with a lifetime of making excuses and accepting full responsibility for your actions. It’s called being real and transparent. If you are interested in joining this 100% Responsibility Club send me an e-mail.

Do you need help in being a 100% responsible for your actions? Do you need to be 100% honest in your relationships and want help in making that happen? Are you needing help in rebuilding trust in a relationship that you were responsible for the problems? If you answered yes to any of these questions please give Dr. Mike a call to get some help.

Posted in I want to save my marriage, relationships | Tagged accepting full responsibility, being 100% responsible for your actions, blame others, Divorce, Dr Mike Brooks divorce coach and counselor, marriage dilemma, victim society | Leave a comment

The Lost Art of “Being Thankful”

Posted on April 14, 2014 by drbrooks

When is the last time you really were thankful someone came to your rescue? Maybe you were needing a ride and your neighbor offered to take you to the grocery store. Maybe you needed a baby sitter at the last minute and a good friend of yours called and offered to help you out. Thankfulness is a rare commodity these days. In fact I have seen it abandoned on several occasions.

I can remember driving out from Wisconsin to Western Nebraska when I was 19 years old to visit some friends. It was a cold December morning when I noticed that my check engine light was on. I pulled off to the shoulder of the road as traffic on I-80 passed me by. I wondered what I should do. I waited patently hoping a state patrol would stop by and offer me some assistance. It must have been 20 minutes or so when a 18 wheeler semi pulled up behind my car and stopped by to see if he could help me. He knew what to do and asked to check under the hood. He checked my dip stick and said that I was down at least 2 quarts of oil. I didn’t have any oil, so he walked back to the cab of his truck and returned with two quarts of oil. He put it into my engine and I offered to pay him and he said “no.” Promise me that you will help others who are stranded along side the road. I agreed, we shook hands and my guardian angel went on his way. I have kept my promise and have helped many who needed assistance along the roads of Colorado.

I have seen men open the doors for women they didn’t know in restaurants and not heard a thank you from those they were helping. A simple thank would have been nice. I have seen women hold open doors while men were carrying an arm load of packages into the UPS store and they say nothing. What has happened to the days where you appreciated people doing something nice for you.

I have been in a fast food restaurant and have seen the appreciation of our fire fighters who have been fighting wildfires…patrons have bought these men and women their lunches. I can remember waiting in line while a women in front of me with two small children said to the cashier at Wendy’s ” Here’s a $50 to pay for these men’s lunches.” The 3 guys had soot all over their faces and were exhausted. She turned towards them and said “thank you for helping us try to keep our homes.” She walked out and there was silence among all of us who were waiting in line and witnessed this act of kindness. This was her way of being thankful.

Being thankful takes little effort on our part. It’s just making sure that you tell someone that you appreciate the effort that they took on your behalf. It means so much to those who act on your needs. Doing acts of kindness for others is lacking these days and times. People just don’t get it. Many feel entitled and expect people doing things for them without a word of thank you.

I would like to challenge you this week to try to say “thank-you” at least 20 times a day (for one month) to those who help you in anyway shape or form. Let them know that you appreciate their help. It may be a family member, someone at work, someone at the grocery store. But make it a point to go out of your way and tell someone “thank-you.” We need to start bringing back some kindness into a world of hurt.

Posted in Life in general, relationships | Leave a comment

The Weeds In Our Lives

Posted on March 24, 2014 by drbrooks

Living in the mountains has some incredible advantages. The views, nature in all it’s glory. I live on the side of a mountain that has plenty of wild flowers. My place has some of the finest wild flowers this side of heaven. The colors bust forth with florescent yellows, reds, purples, and blues. The wild rose bushes on our place produces some of the best fragrances known to man.

I also keep the little grass that I have manicured and cut short. Mind you it’s no more then the size of a 20 x 20 square patch. It’s mowed with my push mower that I got as a gift one year. I want this little patch to look like a manicured golf course. I take pride in it. If the dogs leave a chewed up stick on the lawn I immediately pick it up. Before company comes I will go out and make one more grass cut to make it look nice.

The back meadow has some fine tall grass and the elk love it as well. It’s never mowed on a regular basis. I weed whack it once a year at best and near the Brooks BBQ time on Labor day. One morning in August I went out to check the live stock and off the back deck I saw the dreaded Canadian thistle with the purple flower growing in the tall grass. It was about 3 feet tall and slightly hidden behind the pine tree.

I don’t like weeds at all. They’re a nuisance and hard to remove. When I saw the one Canadian thistle I looked around and saw many more all over the back meadow. I was horrified. They were outta control. I went and got my shovel and commenced to digging them up. I knew if I didn’t get these weeds they would consume my entire back meadow.

As I was digging them up the weed pile got bigger and bigger. How could I not notice all the grown weeds over the past few months? There were 100’s of them. When I thought that I had them all removed I would see more up on the upper part of our meadow. After spending several hours of ridding the place of Canadian thistles I was tired and took a break and drank my refreshing glass of iced tea.

As I glanced over the entire area of the lower meadow and back yard and felt a sigh of relief. Then I thought what about the weeds we allow in our personal lives. The people who are consuming of our time and resources. Those who do not listen to good common sense and continue to live in a world of turmoil. The people who are takers and give noting in return. The ones who continually take advantage of others including yourself. Is it time we get those kind of weeds out of our lives? Like your yard, for most of us we get rid of the weeds that will take over our beautiful yard. I think for the sanity for yourself and family it’s time to make some personal changes with the people or situations you are involved in.

Pulling weeds is a no brainer they can destroy your grass and the appearance of your lawn. The people weeds as I call them can destroy your reputation and peace of mind. Are there people that you need to simply remove from your life?If there is and you need help in doing so contact Dr. Mike he can help you. Do you need some advice on eliminating unhealthy people out of your life. Are you ready to take the next step and clean out the messy situations you are facing? Don’t live in a life that you can’t stand anymore..there is hope.

Posted in Dr. Mike's rants, Life in general, relationships | Tagged Dr Mike Brooks divorce coach and counselor, weeds in our lives | Leave a comment

Damage Control When You Say Stupid Things (2)

Posted on March 19, 2014 by drbrooks

Last week we covered basic excuses people make when saying something stupid. This week we will go over repairing the relationship and damage control.

When you’re trying to repair a broken relationship from something you have you have spoken I suggest sitting down with the offended is the best action you can do to make things right between you both. Husbands and wives generally have to process what was said before they can have that uncomfortable face to face talk. But when your friend is hurt and you don’t see them that often then the process of fixing or repairing the relationship will take time.

Letting go can open all kinds of doors of healing

If you have said something out of line, go to that person and talk about it!

Sometimes a friend will react immediately when you say something off the wall, and other times it takes time to get a reaction from them. Remember everyone is different, they respond differently. Don’t expect your friends to just “Let it slide” as quickly as you think they should have if the situation were reversed. We are all different in how we react. People who are quiet may need a few days just to think about what’s happened to them before they really know how they feel or will react.

If you’re the offender you might instantly realize you said something foolish and apologize on the spot, only to have your friend nod in agreement and say nothing. At that point in time you may think it’s over, but maybe it really isn’t. Give your friend some time to process your apology and see if any discussion is necessary.

But don’t let too much time pass! If your friend starts to pull away from you, make every effort to make things right with your friend…that’s key!

In a perfect world It’d be nice if we could always mend our broken friendships. But there are some things that once spoken can never be taken back that do irreparable harm to close relationship. If this is what has happened to you then your friend may decide to move on with the friendship, or avoid the closeness that you once shared.

Your friend may need to build up trust with you again and that will take time. They probably will be distant for a while and that’s ok, while they learn to trust you again. Healing a relationship takes time and if you value that friendship you will give as much time that is needed for the healing to work.

It can be extremely painful when you’re sorry for something you said or did and your friend still will not forgive you. It hurts even more when you know that the pain you have caused someone seems to always be at the tip of their tongue or just a thought away when you spend time with them….it’s just there and it causes an uneasiness between you. Let time heal your friendship, and be open and honest and allow your friendship to heal over time.

Do you need help in healing a broken relationship? Is there someone that you want to reconnect with and want help in making that happen. Are you grieving over a broken relationship and need help in moving on? If you answered yes to any of these questions give Dr. Mike a call he can help you.

Posted in In The News, Life in general, relationships | Leave a comment

Damage Control When You Say Stupid Things (1)

Posted on March 11, 2014 by drbrooks

Don’t you love it when you see a classic comedy and you hear people say things that make you cringe yet you’re laughing out loud. The movie Dumb and Dumber was that movie for me. I laughed pretty much during the whole movie..one of my favorite lines was “Harry: “What’s her last name? I can look it up.” Lloyd: “Swim, Swammi, Slippy, Slappy, Swenson?… Swanson?” Harry: “Maybe it’s on the briefcase.” Lloyd: “Oh yeah! It’s right here. Samsonite! Man I was way off. I knew it started with S though.”

Dumb and Dumber (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

You have two guys who are trying to win the heart of a beautiful woman and yet say the dumbest things to each other. They attack each other in the silliest ways. In real life I have heard people say the dumbest things while in my office and I cringed while hearing them. We all have said something we regret and wish we could take the words back. But once the words leave your lips and the hearer has just processed what you said is when the repair work begins.

I have said plenty of dumb or stupid things during my life. I remember when I was in my early 20’s when I asked a woman when she was expecting. Well my friends, she wasn’t expecting and I got an ear full and learned a life lesson…when in doubt “don’t say anything.”

I have some friendly advice for you that will keep you out of trouble. First size up the situation and think before you speak. And make sure that the person you’re talking to or insulting doesn’t have body guards or family around. Seriously, if you have any doubts about what your about to say and it may offend someone, then don’t.

But for those of you who don’t pay heed to my advice then the next step is to figure out how have you wounded the person you either insulted, humiliated, embarrassed or shamed by your remark. Look at the facial expression, body language, or how they respond verbally to you. If you know that what you said was inappropriate then damage control is in order.

I was in a committee meeting a while back and was taking notes when one of the board members said something to another member. I thought I heard something outta line but I was more into taking notes. How I knew it was bad was when the insulted board member said “How dare you!!!” I looked up to see this woman get up and walk around the table and confront her would be “foot in the mouth” red faced and embarrassed man. I sat back in my chair and wondered how this was going to play out. The man repeatedly said I’m sorry over and over again. I’m sorry is only a start but didn’t help his situation. She walked out of the meeting and yelled “I quit the board.”

When you say something stupid you better apologize and be sincere about it johnny on the spot. If you know you have hurt someone with your words you can’t pretend you didn’t say and go on with life like nothing happened. Looking back, you probably had an idea what you were about to say would hurt someone. A genuine apology can help you and the insulted person come to terms and you both can sit down and talk about the problems you may have. This is very healing if the offended one can get over the initial shock of what you said. Remember we all have said stupid things during our lifetime. The sooner you apologize the better. The reason for this is it looks and feels like it’s from the heart. Waiting to apologize later will cause hard feelings between you both.

When this woman left the board room the guy started making excuses of why he said what he did. He looked pretty foolish to the group. Excuses have no part of being sincere with a stupid remark. You said it and it belongs to you. Admit you were wrong accept full responsibility for your actions. How hard is that? Apparently pretty hard for some people.

I had a friend say something out of line to me, I have pretty thick skin and wasn’t bothered by what he said. I think he realized after he said it, he was wrong as some of my friends confronted him on the spot. He took responsibility for what he said and apologized. Then he started making excuses for what he said thus voiding his apology. So when you say something stupid apologize and leave it at that. Don’t have a come back with:

Why are you so sensitive about what I said.

Really, you’re upset about what I said, get over it.

You have said those things to me.

it’s the truth isn’t it?

What does it matter.

I was angry and it just kinda came out.

Kinda thinned skin aren’t ya!

That would never bother me.

I have some friends who have to process what was said before a reaction comes forth. Some will immediately react and deal with it right away, while others will take their time and decide how they should react. When you start putting a time frame when you think someone should get over your foot in mouth statement then there is going to be a problem.

Posted in Life in general | Tagged apology, dr mike divorce counselor, dumb and dumber | Leave a comment

The Story Of Excuses

Posted on February 17, 2014 by drbrooks

Earlier this week, a friend of mine stopped by my office.He was making excuses as to why he failed in certain areas in his life. As he continued to focus on his failures he began to blame others.I stopped him and asked him if he thought he had any culpability for some of his failures.He was shocked and looked like a deer caught in the headlights. He stared at me for a few seconds and said that I was the first person in his life to question his lack of ownership for his mistakes.

Boundaries in dating relationships

If we’re honest with ourselves, we knew we all fail at one time or another. I have had my share of failures and continue to have them. I am human as are you. Do you have friends or family members who make excuses for their failures? I sure do. I have several friends who make up excuses for personal failures.

Athletes use excuses all the time for athletic failures. I heard many of them while I coached football at the high school and college levels. I have heard them from corporate executives and from clergy. I have heard excuses from teenagers and grandparents and from married couples to people going through divorce.

Excuses are just another way to blame someone or something else for a mistake and not owning up to it.

Yes, some things that happen that are not your fault or responsibility.If you find yourself blaming others for your mishaps or mistakes, then there is a problem.

I have had clients who have accepted full responsibility for their failures. They just don’t let it lie, they do something about it.If you made a mistake, admit it and then get busy fixing the problem. Many people today don’t take any responsibilities for their actions.

They simply blame others for their actions or behaviors.

Blaming others is an easy way out but it is unacceptable. Growing up in an alcoholic home wasn’t easy. I had to take care of myself and my sister. My older brothers had no idea of what was going on as they lived several states away and were busy with their own families. When I was being punished and sent to my room, I didn’t sit and pout. I read books and lots of them. I kept busy by writing and listening to music. I never once blamed my parents for the way my life turned out. I give credit to God for bringing me out of a bad situation. My sister’s life followed my parent’s example of excessive drinking, smoking and no direction.

What did I learn about making excuses? I wasn’t going to buy into that way of thinking. It’s never too late to repair years of damage due to the excuses you have made to others. Own up to them and stop using others for the excuses in your life.

Following is a list of excuses I have heard over the past few months:

·I don’t have time

·I don’t have the education

·Find someone else to blame

·I’m afraid to fail

·I don’t have what it takes

·I need money to make it happen

·My ideas never work

These are just a few excuses that I hear in my office. I’m sure you have heard many of them as well.

Do you want to take responsibility for your actions and stop with the excuses? Then decide right here and now that you will no longer blame others for your mistakes. This is simple advice and easy to manage if you mean serious business in stopping the blame game. So how does one stop with making excuses?

Posted in Life in general | Tagged Dr Mike Brooks divorce coach and counselor, excuses, i'm afraid to fail, making excuses | Leave a comment

When it’s Ok to say “No”

Posted on February 3, 2014 by drbrooks

I remember growing up in a military family. As kids we would ask to go grocery shopping with our parents at the commissary on Saturday morning hoping to get dibs on cookies, candies anything else that would delight our appetites. I was hoping that my pleas would be heard by my parents. “Please can I have these Oreo cookies?” Then my sister would give it a try and she would get the same “No” from our parents. Our efforts were pointless. We were going to hear “No” every time we asked for treats.

As I grew older I would try different approaches on my dad. My mother would just say, “Ask your father.” It was always the same answer “No”. Looking back I could see why they would answer with “No”. Most of the things I asked for were either food or money related. I’m glad that my dad said no. It taught me a work ethic even as a kid mowing grass and doing odd jobs. I came to appreciate earning my own money and buying my own things. A lot of today’s kids get things handed to them just to quiet them up.

I have been in the grocery store and have watched parents give their kids whatever they wanted just to stop their whining. I hear parents in my office talk about giving their kids electronics for school and then complain when their kids play endless games with them, ignoring their school work.

When my daughter was growing up she had the same thought process that I did. “When dad goes to the store I will hit him up for candy, donuts, etc.” I’m not a total “No” dad and here were times that she did a great job on her homework, or did her chores on time or she might have gone out of her way to do something nice for our neighbor in need. I would find ways to reward her for her efforts.

The one thing I did differently from my parents, was to take time to explain to my daughter why I was saying no and what she could do to earn money so she could buy the things she wanted. Some of the parents that I work with feel that having their children do chores is cruel and unreasonable punishment.

Being a responsible parent teaches our children to act responsibly with their money they can earn from doing chores, birthday money, whatever the reason to save and spend wisely. Saying no doesn’t make you a bad parent when your child or grandchild comes to you asking for money. If they haven’t earned it don’t be an enabler and hand it over to them because they keep asking.

Saying no means being self-disciplined and being a parent who cares enough to sit down and explain why they are saying no. This usually stops the badgering from the child. I have to say that when my dad told me no, he did me a big favor. As a 14 year old teenager I had my own lawn mowing service and did pretty well thanks to my dad. He provided the mower and trash bags to get me started. He taught me how to run my own small business. I have carried those lessons with me throughout my adult life and have served me well.

In closing, if you are having a difficult time in saying no, don’t be intimidated by your children, family, or friends. Do you need help learning to say no? Are you afraid that saying no will distance you from those you love? Standing strong will help you take back control of your life and not allow you to be taken advantage of. If you answered yes to any on these questions give Dr. Mike a call and set up an appointment with him today.

Posted in relationships | Tagged don't be an enabler, taught me work ethic, unreasonable punishment | Leave a comment