When Kindness Goes A Long Way!

Posted on April 9, 2012 by drbrooks

Help those in need before a tragic event happens

I watched the busy crowd at Wendy’s wait in line to order their food. While watching the workers behind the counter I noticed how rushed they were. The people waiting in line were chattering about the fire and the friends they knew that had to be evacuated. The kids that waited in line with their parents had no clue what was going on; however, you could sense the nervousness of the adults as they looked at the menu board.

I witnessed many acts of kindness last week here in the Conifer area as we fought another round of wildfires. I saw everyday people buying meals for the fire fighters who were behind them in line. Many grateful residents approached them as they ate their lunch and thanked them for helping with putting out the fires. That brought a smile to my face watching people reaching out and appreciating those who were risking their lives to keep our community safe. We all know that kindness toward each other should be practiced everyday not just when bad things happen. Sure, we all can pitch in and help I applaud that. But we need to be aware of those in need on a daily basis.

Can you think of those who need your help, but are afraid to ask? Can you call someone who may need an encouraging word? This is not rocket science my friends, it’s helping those in need. When I heard about three lives that were lost in the South Fork fires, I was extremely saddened. The elderly couple who lost their lives in the fire were known in the community as ones who would call the shut-ins in their church on a daily basis. The shut-ins that were interviewed said their calls were so helpful and the act of kindness reminded them that they were important to someone. A simple call means so much for those who cannot get out. A three minute call is all it takes.

I shared a story a while back about my first job as a senior in high school. I delivered prescriptions for a local pharmacy in Chicago. Many times I would deliver medications to senior citizens and shut-ins an at times I would be the only person they would see on a monthly basis. Each time I would spend a few minutes talking with them and checking in on them. One elderly woman would have me deliver tooth paste, bathroom tissue, mouthwash, and occasionally her prescriptions on a weekly basis. The drug store that I worked for received a call from this woman’s son a few months later telling us that his mother passed away. He then demanded to know why she had a closet full of unused merchandise from the drug store I worked at.

I remember her talking about a son that never called or had time for her. I was the only person that paid any attention to her. The few minutes a week I gave her made her feel special. My boss told him that maybe if he had spent some time with her maybe she would not have had a delivery boy fill the role as her son. Do you know of anyone who could use a 5 minute pick-me-up phone call? The phone is the easiest way to connect to a senior or someone on the mend from surgery or an illness for the busy person.

This is my challenge for you: find someone who could use a call or a visit from you. It might be a family member or a neighbor who lives nearby. It could be someone in an assisted living home. The people who could use a call from you are endless. Just put a little thought into it and make it happen.

Master Life Coaching, Divorce coaching and counseling is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.

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Enemy In The Camp

Posted on April 2, 2012 by drbrooks

Judas was the father of "Enemy in the camp"

Enemy in the Camp, have you ever heard this term used before? I hadn’t until I was in my twenties. I didn’t understand this term until it was used as a story to illustrate how friends and loved ones aren’t always in your corner when you need them.  At times, they are the ones who spew lies and hate and have total disregard for your happiness and welfare. They usually have an agenda that often destroys the entire family, the work place, and even the church. It’s commonly called dissension and is defined as those who cause division.

Many times these folks use the camouflage of relationships to gain the trust of their unsuspecting victim. I see it often during separation and divorce. Usually during separation, a friend or family member has talked one of them into filing for divorce. They themselves may have had a terribly bad marriage and talked to anybody who would listen. Does this happen?  You bet it does and often!

That’s where the term “enemy in the camp” came from. The sooner you can expose this person the better. The only way to stop them is to confront them. I have been asked, “Who is the enemy in the camp?” Well, it can be your best friend, your brother, sister, son, daughter, aunt, uncle, co-worker, your neighbor, it can even be you!

How does the enemy in the camp operate? I look at these people as the little devil on your shoulder encouraging you to do the wrong thing. “Oh, it’s OK to have an affair, find out what you’re missing. There’s nothing wrong with leaving the marriage, after all you deserve to be happy.” These folks like to poison the well, so to speak. They do it very well, under the guise of looking out for you. They pretend to care about the person they are hurting and anybody else, beware. I see this so often in my practice. It amazes me that very few see this vindictive person as family or friend looking out for them.

I had a client whose wife left him for another man. Her husband wanted her back and was willing to do anything to fix the marriage, including the things he needed to work on personally. The entire church was praying for this man and his wife to reconcile. Lo and behold, there was an older woman in the church who was spreading lies about this man accusing him of kicking his wife out of the house. He and his wife confronted her on the phone about her lies and although she said she knew the truth continued to lie to all who would listen. That, my friend, is an example of the “enemy in the camp.”  It’s one who knows they are recklessly destroying the lives of many without any conscience whatsoever.

Confronting the enemy in the camp is very important.  There are many ways to do it, and it takes courage and factual information. As soon as you realize who the enemy is, ask them why they are getting involved in a personal matter that is none of their business. Listen carefully to what they say. Having the facts are important in exposing this person who is causing the problems. Once you expose the enemy in the camp encourage the person they are hurting to have an open conversation if they will allow it. Continue showing them the truth. Go over the details of why this enemy wants to destroy their marriage or any relationship of value. Keep friends and family from the enemy. These people look for details of family squabbles and invite themselves to join in and partake in escalating the problem. The enemy in the camp does not care about the dynamics of healthy relationships in the family.  Their job is to cause division between two people and entire families.

I have seen how smooth the enemy in the camp operates. They show a little compassion and then win over the confidence of the unsuspecting person. Then they give bad advice that leads to division in relationships. I say run from anyone who wants to stir up trouble and who does not promote healing and understanding. Relationships are very important and need repair at times. There is nothing wrong with rolling up your sleeves and working hard to fix a damaged marriage.

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When Is The Last Time You Actually Listened To Me?

Posted on March 19, 2012 by drbrooks

Learning to listen to your partner is key to a great relationship!

“When is the last time you actually listened to me? For years you have pretended to listen to me but you make no effort to do the things I am asking that would improve our marriage.” His wife was making a valid point and he didn’t disagree. He just nodded his head in agreement.

“What are you going to do about it?” she asked.  He thought about his answer as he stared up at the ceiling. Then he turned to his wife and said, “Oh, I have been listening to you and have even made a few changes but you have never acknowledged any of them.”  He went on to say, “You always complain about the things I don’t do; just like last weekend when I painted the living room and the two bedrooms you wanted painted, you never bothered to thank me. Don’t you think I would like to hear a ‘thank you’ once in a while?”  She responded, “I appreciate all that you do and you know that I love you. I’m so sorry, please forgive me!”

This couple had come to an understanding about listening to each other. He needed to acknowledge her when she spoke, and she needed to let him know that she appreciated all the things he did around the house. Can you imagine how many fights and disagreements could be avoided if people would show their gratitude or just listen!   It is amazing how simple some of the fixes are and how so many divorces and separations could be avoided.

Why not take an inventory of where your marriage is today and make the needed changes to have a better marriage? If you fight a lot, then sit down and talk about the differences that you have. List them and go over each item then find areas of compromise and begin fixing your marriage. I know and understand that there are some instances where a marriage cannot be saved and couples must go their separate ways.  One of the biggest problems in marriage is couples do not take the time to talk to each other. It’s clearly one of the biggest mistakes that cause divorce today. Here are my 5 tips to have a better marriage through communication:

  1. Learn how to express your needs that you have in your marriage without brow beating.
  2. Be a good listener when your partner speaks. Listen and don’t have a rebuttal forming in your mind as they share concerns.
  3. Don’t jump to conclusions without the facts. There are plenty of explanations of why things happen.
  4. If your talk starts to get heated, call a time out and talk at a later time. Don’t continue as the outcome will not be good for either of you.
  5. When you talk together, complement your partner for the good things they do for you and the marriage. Creating a positive climate for your talk is key to a better understanding.

In closing, if you’re having a difficult time in communicating, call me. It’s better to fix it now than have your marriage end up in divorce.

 

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What an horrible day

Posted on March 13, 2012 by drbrooks

Knowing how to deal with emotional lows is key to surviving

It was 7:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning when I heard a knock at the door. I slowly walked to the front door and opened it to a guy in blue jeans and a Broncos sweat-shirt. He asked if I was Mike.  I said yes and was handed an envelope filled with papers.  It was another Summons to Appear. I threw it on the floor, walked back to the bedroom and fell into bed. After being served divorce papers a second time, I completely lost my appetite for life. In fact, I didn’t eat for a couple of days. I didn’t want to talk to anybody and I didn’t answer my phone. My world was crashing in on me.

I was depressed and I realized it.  I knew how to help others who were going through separation and divorce and wondered if I could help myself.  Depression is usually triggered by a loss of some kind. Many remember the loss of a first love in their youth and agonize over how painful it was. The loss of a child, parent or grandparent can stir grievous memories.  Many struggle with the loss of a beloved pet.  Yet depression is a part of the healing process.  We may not like hearing that but we will all go through it at some point in our lives.  One thing I’ve learned is that one cannot put a timeline on the healing process.  For some folks, recovering from a divorce may take years.  For others, it may only take a few weeks to feel they are ready to move on.  Just as we are unique individuals, we also recover in our own unique ways.

A serious concern I have for some people going through divorce are those who entertain thoughts of suicide. If you’re in this group, then please seek help immediately from your doctor, counselor or trusted friend.  There are resources available for those going trying times.

Now that we recognize that at some point during the divorce we will experience pain and sorrow, let’s look at how to deal with the depression that may follow. I had to take a long, hard look at my losses and define what they were. There are many losses in a divorce.  What are yours?  As I previously mentioned, the loss of a friend, a lover, trust, protection, family, feelings and comfort could all be on your list. I realized my healing process began once I accepted my losses. It wasn’t easy, but I was ready to move on.  I knew that one of the major obstacles was going to be the reality of what I was going through. It happened and I needed to accept it.

So what could I do to advance the healing process?  I knew I had to take care of myself.  No one else was going to do that!  It was up to me! I immediately began an exercise program, eating healthy and getting restful sleep. Those were the first things on my list. I planned each day around improving my overall heath. I went to the gym at 5:00 a.m. each day and worked out for an hour. After my time at the gym, I made sure I ate a healthy breakfast then planned my lunch and dinner.  I tried to be in bed by 9:30 p.m. each evening.  I knew I needed uninterrupted rest so I turned off my phone.  I followed this plan Sunday through Thursday and then relaxed my regime over the weekend.  The changes that happened were amazing. I soon starting feeling mentally and physically strong and felt so much more at peace with my situation.

Once I began to feel healthy I was then ready to make a game plan. I spent an hour every day working on my immediate needs, including my career, consulting with my attorney and a 1 month, 2 month, 3 month, 6 month and 1 year plan. All the while, I realized I was gaining the self-confidence I had once enjoyed. Even though the depression I was fighting seemed to be fighting to leave, I knew I was doing the things that gave me strength and allowed me to see light at the end of the tunnel.

The next step was finding someone I could trust as my accountability partner. This had to be someone that would call me out when I made mistakes and would stop my negative and pessimistic thinking patterns. When I had a bad or negative thought, my accountability partner had permission to remind me of the U-turn I needed to make and helped me focus on the positive.   He reminded me that my future was bright and I had bountiful blessings just around the corner. I decided that I would stop my negative thinking and avoid people who robbed me of energy. I knew I needed to be with people who had a positive outlook on life, who got things done, and were mentally and physically healthy. That’s what I did, and trust me, my outlook on life changed dramatically.

Helping people who were experiencing the same struggles I experienced gave my healing process momentum.  I shared ideas for dealing with separation and divorce and was available anytime someone needed to talk.  Staying busy was cathartic for me.  It took my mind off my problems. These are a few tips on dealing with depression and they work!  Try one or two and see how they can help you too!

In this series, I will help you examine the process of getting divorced. We’ll take a close look at what to expect and will share critical information you need to know. If you or your spouse is considering divorce, prior to making that final, life-changing decision, please call me. I can help you prepare for your divorce.

Are you experiencing a difficult time in your marriage and need help? Is your spouse avoiding talking with you about the problems in your marriage? Are you struggling with the execution and planning of your divorce? Would you like to learn communication tools that are helpful when talking with your spouse about repairing your marriage? If you answered yes to any of these questions, I can help you. Give me a call today!

Many of you have expressed an interest in talking with me about how to save your marriage, or how to end it. Having gone through the pain myself, I’d be glad to help. Click here to receive a free 30-minute appointment, I’m making my calendar available for you to schedule a free no obligation 30 minute appointment to see if divorce coaching or divorce counseling can help you. so I can help walk you through the process, step-by-step, whatever option you choose.

It won’t just go away by itself. Let me help you resolve one of the most painful times in your life, so you can start moving forward again. Make that your first step right now.

You can go to Mike’s blog and comment on today’s article at http://www.applicablecoaching.com/blog.php
Master Life Coaching is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone or via Skype.  The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.  Your privacy is guaranteed.
For more information or to schedule a free consultation, call or email me at 303.456.0555 or mike@applicablecoaching.com. All calls are confidential and your privacy is guaranteed.

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The Death Of Common Sense!

Posted on February 28, 2012 by drbrooks

Where has common sense gone these days?

Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines common sense as, “The sound and prudent judgment based on a simple perception of the situation or facts”.

Common sense. What happened to it? Where did it go? Can we find it again? I see so many people making foolish mistakes! Mistakes that could be avoided if a little common sense were applied before action were taken!

I am a big fan of the afternoon television show, Judge Judy. It’s amazing how many people who appear on her show lack basic common sense. I am reminded of one show in particular where a young man knocked a woman down who was busy scraping ice from her windshield. He proceeded to steal her car and sped away on the icy road. Needless to say, he crashed her car just a few blocks away then abandoned it and ran away. Later that day police found him at his parent’s home and arrested him. You would think this would have been an open and shut case, but it wasn’t. This young man and his father took the woman to court in an attempt to sue her for having bald tires, which in their mind, caused the accident. Fortunately, Judge Judy showed no mercy towards these two and told them in no uncertain terms how ridiculous they were to think they had a legal leg to stand on! These two men showed a lack of sound and prudent judgment based on the simple perception of the facts!

French historian and philosopher, Voltaire, once said: “Common sense is not so common.” The good news is however, common sense can be learned. Growing up, I used to hear my grandpa say, “That boy doesn’t have a lick of sense.” I never knew for sure what he meant until I got a lecture from my father about playing with fire. My first memory of learning the concept of common sense happened when I was about 6 years old while we were stationed in Schweinfurt, Germany. I had lit a model airplane on fire and ran through the house as it dripped melted plastic on the living room carpet. Later, I went outside to play and didn’t give any thought to what I had just done. It wasn’t long afterwards when I heard my father yell, “Michael Patrick Joseph Brooks!” I knew I was in big trouble. I ran to where he was and found him with his hands on his hips holding a belt. He explained to me how close I came to burning down the house and proceeded to give me a well-deserved spanking! Although I was just a child, my father used my childish mistake to teach me a valuable lesson in applying common sense.

As adults have we really learned the ins and outs of common sense? Do we say things that we know are wrong and should never be spoken? Common sense tells us when to speak words of healing and understanding as opposed to staying silent. I am often heard telling those I counsel, “Taste what you say before you say it.” Once those words sail out of your mouth, they can never be taken back. The damage will be done.

We can perfect our understanding and use of common sense by making ourselves accountable to trusted friend or mentor. This accountability can be worth its weight in gold as we grow and mature. I want someone to tell me when I have made a bad decision or said something that was out of line.

It’s important we watch what we say and do when we’re around our friends, family and co-workers. A funny joke told by you may be insulting to others. A teasing remark can be taken many ways. An innocent suggestion can get you into trouble. Learning to think before you speak is a move in the right direction toward practicing common sense!

Harriet Beecher Stowe said it best, “Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done.” Keep this in mind and I guarantee it will keep you out of trouble!

Dr. Mike’s Master Life Coaching, Divorce coaching and counseling is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.

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Buddy, Can You Spare A Buck?

Posted on February 20, 2012 by drbrooks

I had a friend going through a divorce ask me for money, “Mike, I need a hundred bucks to stay in my apartment, I’m short that much! I reached into my billfold and gave her a $100 dollars. When you don’t plan for an impending divorce, you can expect all kinds of troubles in your immediate future! The examples below will give you a good idea on what to plan for.

When planning for your divorce, think way ahead of the game

“Hey dad”, my daughter asked, “Can I borrow a dollar? I need it for a soda at school.”  I asked her why she couldn’t take one from the refrigerator. “It will not stay cold and I usually have a soda at lunch”, she responded. So I dug a dollar out of my pocket and handed it to her.

Later that day while I was at lunch at a local diner, a client of mine approached me and asked, “Say, Dr. Mike can I borrow a few bucks?  I left my wallet at home and I don’t have time to run home and get it”. So once again I got my billfold, dug out a five spot and handed it to him.

Over the years, I have been “the bank” to many people including family, friends, homeless people and friends of friends. I really don’t mind helping people if I have extra cash on hand and I enjoy helping out when I can. There are, however, some people who I will not help. Certain people I just don’t trust and friends who continually ask and although they promise to pay me back, never do.

Several years ago a friend and I helped a mutual friend move from the city to the western slope of Colorado.  He was a hunting guide in the national forest and agreed to help us score on some elk later that fall in exchange for our help.  We spent the day moving boxes, big furniture and other odds and ends out of his home.  A few months later my friend and I were ready to take him up on his offer to guide us to an area to hunt.  When he finally agreed to meet with us he immediately asked if we could spare a few bucks for hunting supplies.  I dug into my pocket and pulled out a few bills and handed him $10.  When he saw I had more cash in my hand, he pressed me for even more!  As we walked toward the truck he also informed us that any information he shared with us would “cost us”.  He confirmed what I had suspected all along – he just simply could not be trusted!

What is the best way to handle family members or friends who continually ask you for money?  What is the best way to deal with them? At times there are legitimate needs you don’t need to question, however, for those who think you are the “National Family Bank” and keep coming back to you because of your generosity, I suggest you close the doors to the bank and with love and understanding let them know you cannot enable their irresponsible behavior any longer. You could also suggest they get a second job until their financial situation is resolved. I would counsel them to start a savings account and live within their means. Most of us grow out of trying to keep up with the Jones’ at some time in our lives.  I was 20 years old the last time I asked my father for money.   He told me “Son, you need to get a second job or you need to do without’. Pretty simple advice but it has served me well over the years!

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Where Did Whitney Houston Go Wrong?

Posted on February 13, 2012 by drbrooks

Drugs destroy and kill even smart people

I was sitting at my computer when the phone rang. It was my friend, George, telling me that Whitney Houston had died. “What?” I said. “Where did you hear that?” I asked.He said it was just reported on the radio. “Wow, what a talented super star”, I said to myself and thought “what a waste of talent to be lost so early in life”. I have listened to many pundits over the last few days report stories about Whitney Houston’s troubled life. They have stated that when she married Bobby Brown her life and personality took a turn for the worse. During her marriage to him she began smoking, using drugs, and drinking excessively.

Bad apples (bad people) can and do corrupt the good people we know and admire. I have seen it happen numerous times with people I personally know and love. My sister, for one, had slipped into the party lifestyle of taking drugs, drinking and heavy smoking. She lost her life due to lung cancer two years ago.Smoking two packs of cigarettes a day eventually caught up with her and took her life. She told me many times that she knew what she was doing would kill her someday, but the overwhelming desire to smoke won out!

I also recall a high school classmate, Scott, who was an excellent athlete and played on varsity the baseball team. He was so talented, he was scouted by several pro baseball clubs. In fact, Scott was one of the best high school catching prospects available in the country that year. He was a great hitter, smart on the bases and could throw runners out in record numbers. I knew him as a shy freshman who was always was fun to be around and very likable. He was fairly innocent and naive throughout high school until he started to hang out with the wrong crowd his senior year. His whole demeanor changed once he started drinking and smoking pot. He went from being someone you would like to talk to, to someone to avoid. He began skipping classes, getting into fights and getting drunk on the weekends. The crowd he hung out with were the big-time drug users and drinkers and were always in trouble with the law. They saw an easy mark in this young man and helped destroy his potential career in professional baseball.

Whitney had been living a similar, innocent life.As a child she started signing gospel songs in her local church and then began a modeling career in her early teens. She experienced success early in her career and managed to reach the next level.She was going places and she knew it, her mother knew it, in fact, anyone that heard her sing knew it. She was beautiful and talented and was destined for stardom.

In 1992 all of that changed when she married Bobby Brown. That is when her life began to unravel. Brown had been in trouble with drugs, the law, and served time in jail. Although she and Brown eventually divorced, she continued to live the self-destructive life she had learned while married to him.In the late 1990’s and early 2000’s, she admitted to using cocaine and smoking pot with her ex-husband. Even with all of her talent, awards and high-society lifestyle, her life was spiraling out of control.

Her reputation as a professional was called into question when she would show up late for her own concerts or would cancel a show shortly before it started. On several occasions she simply did not show up for radio or television interviews. She told Oprah Winfrey, “Doing drugs was an everyday thing. I wasn’t happy at that point in time. I was losing myself.” That’s when she knew she was in trouble; however, she did nothing to get control of her life. She had rejected the people who loved her and wanted to help her, including her family, her church and close friends. Instead, she allowed her’ handlers’ to help her.They simply told her what she wanted to hear and sadly, today she is dead.

We can’t lay all the blame on Bobby Brown for Whitney Houston’s lifestyle.Whitney made bad choices in her adult life. The lifestyle of the rich and famous isn’t always what it appears to be. The day before her death she performed one last time in front of a group of friends. Do you know what her last song was? It was the very fitting, “Jesus Loves Me”. In her last performance, she went back to her roots in gospel music and the church she loved.

In closing, if you or your children have friends that are not a good influence and you realize you need to make some changes, then take a stand, do the right thing and start today!Make sure your friends and your children’s friends have your best interest at heart. We all have been influenced by negative people in our lives and have learned we must be aware of whom we allow to come into our lives and that of our children.

I’ll close with I Corinthians 15:33 from the Bible.It is a scripture that reminds us that God knows all about the questionable people who come into our lives and warns us to be careful when we choose our friends.It reads, “Do not be misled. Bad company corrupts good character.”

Master Life Coaching, Divorce coaching and counseling is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.

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What Is Your Marriage Worth To You?

Posted on February 12, 2012 by drbrooks

How much will your divorce cost you, your ex and your children?

What is your marriage worth to you? How do you put a price tag on 5, 10, 15, or 20+ years of marriage? It amazes me when couples break up how they say “You owe me plenty for staying with you in this loveless marriage.” When I hear that in my divorce and counseling practice, I ask myself “What is their marriage really worth?”

We watch plenty of athletes divorce and end up paying millions in cash, houses, vacation homes, etc. Do you think Tiger Woods was happy giving Elin Nordegren $100 million? Michael Jordan’s wife Juanita Vanoy received $168 million in their divorce. Paul McCarthy’s ex wife Heather Mills asked for $108 million dollars and won. That’s $27 million dollars for every year that they were married.

Most divorcing couples will fight and each will demand the house, the entire bank account, all the assets, the pets, everything they own in an attempt to get even with their spouse. Well folks, it doesn’t always work that way! Usually everything evenly divided right down the middle. This includes assets, cash, savings, property and cars.

What about the children?  Well that’s another story. A visitation schedule will have to be set up that will require working and planning with both parents. Determining where the children live, holiday schedules and who will get primary custody is another battle typically fought. Most may not agree with the arrangement but keeping the children’s best interest in mind is most important. Some couples will use their children as pawns to get back at each other. This is when I suggest compromising on the children’s behalf.

A few years ago a client of mine shared the story of how his ex-wife had used their daughter as a pawn to get back at him.  He told me how he had rented a motor home and had planned a summer vacation with his 12 year old daughter to visit relatives in Ohio.  Two weeks prior to their trip he and his ex-wife had gotten into an argument over the phone.  As a way to punish him for the argument, she delayed allowing their daughter to meet him by several days. “Don’t argue with me” she said, “I hold the cards on visitation! It will cost you lots of money to fight this I know you don’t have it.” She was right and he knew it.

So, again I ask you this question, how much is your marriage worth to you? It’s not only measured in dollars and cents, but also in relationships with your children who need both parents. As adults we have to put our differences aside and meet our children’s needs! I have heard heart breaking stories where mom or dad has promised to pick up their children for a fun night out and they’re a no-show. The children wait by the window looking for mom or dad only to be disappointed.

So if you think about what a marriage is worth, what is it worth to you in the long run? Can we put a price on our children? Can we put a price on their happiness? Can we put a price on our own happiness?

Many of my readers have expressed an interest in talking with me about how to save their marriage, or how to end it. Having gone through a divorce myself, I understand  what you’re going through and I’m here to help.  My calendar is available for you to schedule a no obligation, 30 minute appointment to decide if divorce coaching or divorce counseling can help you. I can help walk you through the process, step-by-step, whatever option you choose.

The issue of divorce won’t go away by itself. Let me help you resolve what can be one of the most difficult times in your life.  You can start moving forward again. Make that your first step right now and schedule an appointment.

Master Life Coaching, Divorce coaching and counseling is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.

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How To Tell Your Children You’re Separating

Posted on February 6, 2012 by drbrooks

Telling your children about your separation can be difficult if not planned

How to tell your children you’re separating

 

If you’re considering separation, one of the most difficult things you will face will be sitting down with your children and telling them that you and your spouse are temporarily separating. I’ve lived through it and can attest to the fact that it was one of the most heart-wrenching experiences of my life and that of my daughter.  My daughter loved both her mother and me, no question about that. At the time of our separation she was 8 years old and full of life. She didn’t know that her mother and I were not getting along, which is why it made it even more difficult to explain to her what we were about to do.

We reassured her that we loved her so very much and tried to gently explain that her mom and dad needed a break from each other so that we could work on our problems.  I explained to her that although her mother would be moving out of our house, we both would be there for her and were just a phone call away if she ever needed us. The tears welled up in her little eyes and she wept. We were her whole world and all that she ever knew.

How much do you tell your children about your impending separation and how much do they need to know? What questions will you answer and what questions are off limits? These things need to be well planned and thought out before you talk to your children. If you do not have a game plan you will confuse them and potentially cause more problems. I highly recommend that you and your spouse agree to meet and cover the important issues that need to be shared with your kids. What are the things that you should talk about?

  1. The first thing you’ll want to do is reassure your children you love them and nothing will ever change that.
  2. Make sure both parents are there to talk with the children. Be prepared for questions that may be asked of you.
  3. Make a commitment to avoid airing your dirty laundry or that of your spouse.
  4. Let them know that as their parents you are working on things separately and need time to do so.
  5. Do not give dates when you will get back together even if this is your plan to avoid getting their hopes up!
  6. If it is appropriate, share with your children that you need time to repair the marriage and make it stronger, so time apart will help this process happen.
  7. Allow your children to express their feelings
  8. If you don’t have answers to their questions, don’t lie and make things up. Be straight with your kids – they will love you for it.
  9. If you are having an affair, do not tell your children!   This will cause lasting damage and pain for your children.
  10. Don’t point out your spouse’s faults and blame each other for why you’re separating.

This list is just a start.  These are simple guidelines that can be added to or changed however you’d like.

It is very important to keep your children informed. They will need you more than ever to reassure them they will be ok! Make every attempt to spend extra time with them.  You will be in pain and struggling with everyday parenting while trying to figure out what your next steps will be but it’s important to continue doing normal, day-to-day activities with them.

Do you fear telling your kids that you are getting separated or divorced and need help in doing so? Do you or partner need help in putting a plan together for talking with your children?  Do you need to rehearse sharing your separation plan with your children? If you answered yes to any of these questions, call and set up a complimentary 30 minute appointment with Dr. Mike.

Several of my readers have expressed an interest in talking with me about how to save their marriage and even how to or how to bring it to a close. During our 30 minute consultation we will explore whether divorce coaching or divorce counseling is for you.   I have made my calendar available for you to schedule a free 30 minute appointment.  All calls are confidential and your privacy is protected.

You can go to Mike’s blog and comment on today’s article at http://www.applicablecoaching.com/blog.php or you can go to the www.idontwantthisdivorce.com website for additional information.

Master Life Coaching is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.

For more information or to schedule a free consultation, call or email me at 303.456.0555 or mike@applicablecoaching.com. All calls are confidential and your privacy is guaranteed.

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Who Are We When No One Is Looking?

Posted on January 29, 2012 by drbrooks

Who Are We When No One Is Looking?

“Hey kid, did you see who backed into my car?” the man asked.  I stammered and said, “Yes”. I was a terrified 10 year-old thinking I was in trouble for not reporting it when I saw it happen.  The tall, imposing man walked over to me and kindly asked me what kind of car and color it was and was it a man or woman behind the wheel. I did my best to answer his questions, maybe not to his satisfaction, but I answered truthfully and as best as I could.

I told him how I had standing by a grocery cart in the parking lot when the offending woman walked by me, got into her car, started it up then slowly backed out of the parking stall and right into the man’s car. I remember thinking how odd it was that the sound of the crash wasn’t all that loud. The woman stopped and inspected the damage she had just caused.  To my surprise, she proceeded to drive away without so much as leaving a note with her name and phone number. Moments later the owner the damaged car walked out of the store and discovered the dent in his driver’s side door.  Even as a child I realized that what that woman did that day was wrong.

My question today is: Who are we when no one is looking? Are we honest with ourselves when nobody is around watching us? I can think of many personal instances where I have failed over the years. We all know people who at times have cheated on tests, taxes, spouses and even sports and games. I remember years ago while in college we had a substitute professor administering a final exam.  As I sat in the back row I observed several students cheat by stealing answers off of their friend’s tests.  They were taking advantage of the fact that the substitute professor really didn’t care!

Being true to yourself comes in many forms. Are you honest when taking tax deductions; filing out your time card at work; returning items as new when you actually used the item or something as simple as letting a clerk know when you have been undercharged for an item?

So I ask, “Do you realize that being honest with yourself and others is the core of your character?”

 

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