When counseling doesn’t work!

Posted on November 29, 2011 by drbrooks

When counseling doesn’t work!

I wonder if counseling can help me?

I got a call from a friend of mine, who asked if I could help her friend. He was not in a happy marriage and needed my help. I agreed to call her friend and talk with him. He was going through some tough times and just needed a sympathetic ear and voice on the other end of the phone. I listened to his story and could feel his pain. Wife had a drinking problem, wouldn’t work, refused to talk about her and his problems with him. He was a hurting man for sure.

He wanted to try to work things out, but she wasn’t willing to make the effort to salvage the marriage. He was the kind of man that most women would loved to be married to. He was attentive, loving, thoughtful, considerate, and a whole lot more. She even admitted that he was a good man. She just wanted out, she had a new lover in her life, and her marriage for over 25 years was now boring!

His heart was broken, her’s was moving on to greener and brighter pastures. He wanted to save the marriage and she wanted to sever all ties with her husband. He loved her and she hated him. She loved the bar scene and he loved being at home with her. Certainly opposites in every way! He had no where to turn, life looked bleak and he fell into the pity party mind set. Actually she did him a big favor by ending the marriage.

Sure his hurt was real and his pain lasted for several weeks, he begin to see that his life was not over, but just beginning. He adjusted to the verbal attacks he received, the personal insults aimed at him were stingers for sure. He used all the attacks as a part of his foundation for his healing. Most people, take the personal attacks and use them for fodder for years of bitterness, hate and self destruction.

I had my ex do the same thing to me. I called her personal attacks on me just simply a cowards way of having me end the marriage and not her. She tried to justify the vulgar things she said to me with “you never loved me”, it almost worked, I was looking through the yellow pages for a lawyer after many personal attacks by her.

I asked my wife at the time, lets go see someone who can help us work through our problems. She agreed, all the while having an affair with another guy. I didn’t have a chance of any reconciliation while she was involved with someone else. He was younger, had expensive taste, no obligations to a family, and liked to party. I’m sure many of you can relate to my clients and my story.

Marriage problems can escalate when nothing is done to fix the problem. Its easy for most people to avoid any kind of confrontation and just let live. So, when is it time to pull the plug in a bad marriage or bad relationship? Here are my tips on deciding on what to do.

1. If there is an affair and the other person is not willing to break it off, then you need to move on. Don’t waste your time, energy or money trying to save a marriage or relationship that the other person has no interest in working on.

2. If there is constant confrontation, arguing and lying to cover up unexplained behavior, move on. The trust is broken, don’t waste your time!

3. If your spouse or partner will not seek counseling, and says that you need it, then let them know that if they don’t agree to get help, you will go on your own and get help. Then after talking with your Divorce Coach, you will decide what course of action you will take.

These are just a few suggestions to think about. Here are some questions you may want to ask yourself. Do you feel uneasy about the way your relationship is headed? Do you want help in restoring your marriage or relationship, but don’t know how? Do you have trouble in communicating with your spouse or partner and want help? Do you need help in ending a relationship and need advice? If you answered yes to any of these questions, I can help you, just give me a call to set up an appointment.

Many of you have expressed an interest in talking with me about how to save your marriage, or how to end it. Having gone through the pain myself, I’d be glad to help.

Click here to receive a free 30-minute appointment.

I’m making my calendar available for you to schedule a free no obligation 30 minute appointment to see if divorce coaching or divorce counseling can help you. so I can help walk you through the process, step-by-step, whatever option you choose.

It won’t just go away by itself. Let me help you resolve one of the most painful times in your life, so you can start moving forward again. Make that your first step right now.

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So, you want to have an affair?

Posted on November 29, 2011 by drbrooks

 

It's Not Worth Losing Your Family Over An Affair

Have you ever considered having an affair? Have you thought about how you would feel before, during and after the affair? Does the thought of having an affair excite you? Have you convinced yourself that if nobody finds out then nobody gets hurt? Unfortunately the truth of the matter is, many will get hurt. Eventually you will get caught! You, your spouse, your children, family members and your close friends will all suffer the consequences of your affair.

It may seem like fun at first until you realize that you are now someone who sneaks around, is dishonest, and you no longer feel the guilt associated with being an unfaithful spouse. Can you imagine what your children might say to you if they found out that you were cheating on mom or dad? Believe me, the people that I have counseled over the years are dealing with the trust issues with their kids. The cold shoulder, the long stares, and the broken hearts are hard for parents to deal with. No lover will ever convince you that the kids will be ok through your affair. A few years ago I watched a friend’s wife have a secret affair. The kids withdrew from their mother and wanted nothing to do with her. It concerned her that her children didn’t want to see her or be near her, but she continued with the affair. Since then she has been married several times and no longer has a relationship with her adult children. Was it worth it? Absolutely not! An affair is usually brief and takes everyone down with it. It leaves no victors, only victims.

I have helped several people pick up the pieces of a broken relationship and trust me, it’s not fun. The prospect of broken hearts are usually a deterrent for most people; however, some will see this after the damage has been done and it’s usually to late. Having an affair may be exciting for a time but most likely it will be short lived and very painful. If you’re considering having an affair and you have no one to talk to you can find help by talking to a counselor or divorce coach. You will learn the process of protecting yourself from the pain and guilt of having an affair.

I’ve wondered over the years how many have been hurt by a spouse having an affair? I’m sure many of you have! The pain will always be there unless you learn how to deal with it. It’s scary to be alone with deep pain when you feel you have no one to turn to. I have been there with the sleepless nights and heartache! I would never wish on anyone! Keep one thing in mind, cheaters usually get caught! Affairs cannot be hidden forever.

The best advice I can give you, is to walk away from the affair and work on your marriage. If you want to get more information about the Life Coaching Program, call me at 303.456.0555 or go to contact Dr. Mike to set up a free consultation. All calls are confidential and your privacy is protected.

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Should I fight for my marriage?

Posted on November 29, 2011 by drbrooks

Saving a dead marriage, takes a lot of work. Do you have what it takes?

Should I fight for my marriage?

I get lots of calls from people who are having a tough time deciding if they should stay in a bad marriage or not. “What’s the point of staying in it” I often hear. Well, that’s entirely up to you. The death of a marriage effects everyone on both sides of the family, parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, grand children, close friends, etc.

My question to you is, are you willing to make it work, go through the steps of reconciliation? Are you in love with your ex, or do you despise them and want nothing to do with them? A lot of divorced and separated individuals never wanted the divorce or the separation. Do you want to try again? Can you save your marriage alone? In some cases I believe you can, I have seen it happen numerous times, it takes lots of work and dedication, but it can happen.

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Dr. Brooks Rants

Posted on November 22, 2011 by drbrooks

Its often said, that many of us see a divorce coming down the tracks. What do you do to plan for it? Do you take it at face value, and then deal with it when you are served divorce papers? Not a good game plan. You need to start gathering information, tax documents for the last three years, asset values on property, retirement and investment documents, values on cars, trucks, boats, insurance, etc. Don’t sit on this to long, you will lose in the long run, be proactive!

Be proactive in your divorce, or else!

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Deciding to divorce-“What’s going on with me?”

Posted on November 16, 2011 by drbrooks

Deciding to divorce

What's going on with with me?

By Michael Brooks

“I am so confused! Yes, I want a divorce! No, I don’t. Should I work on my marriage? I can’t stand being married! Maybe I will file! Maybe my spouse will file! I have to keep my vows! No, I can’t keep my vows! God doesn’t want me to suffer like this!” Sound familiar? This type of confusion happens all the time. The question is which side are you on? Are you the one wanting the divorce or the one willing to do whatever it takes to save it?

Whether you are the one seeking the divorce or the one hoping to save your marriage, your feelings will be all over the place.  At times, you will be confused, hurt, and depressed.   There will be days you will not be able to get out of bed and do the things you normally do.   Going to work will be hard for you.  You will be sensitive, emotional and angry.   Emotions will flood your mind.

You may wonder why this thing called divorce hurts so much. Many will clam up and avoid family and friends. I remember when I went through my divorce I was embarrassed and I felt like a failure.  What would my friends and family think of me? How could I tell my siblings and parents?  I was numb and I felt so distant from everyone.  I didn’t know what to expect minute-to-minute, hour-to-hour, day-to-day, week-to-week and month-to-month!

I had little energy to do the things I needed to do. Everyday normal activities including working and raising my daughter were difficult. I was just too emotionally drained to do the things that really mattered.   Experts say that 85% of your energy is lost during the initial stages of divorce.  Whenever my ex-wife called, my emotional energy came to life but would quickly fade after we talked.  The ups and downs were taking their toll on me.  The big question I constantly asked myself was, “Am I ever going to get back to normal?” I knew I could not continue living in pain.

Even though my friends meant well, at times, their words hurt. I remember a close friend of mine trying to encourage me.  “Come on pal, get a hold of yourself! You should be getting over this divorce!  What’s it been, 4 months?” he said.

I know he meant well, but nonetheless, his words cut deeply!  People who have not been through divorce do not understand the pain you’re going through and at times will say hurtful things.  Do you have a list of hurtful words?   I certainly do.

• “She wasn’t your type anyway! You can do better!”
• “I heard about her reputation and it’s not very good.”
• “She never treated you right and I never liked her because of that.”
• “Play the field and find someone who has the same interests.”
• “You two didn’t have anything in common anyway.”
• “She had mental issues so be glad she’s gone.”
• “She only married you for your money and everybody knew that.”
• “She filed on you? This is the best thing that could ever happen to you!”
Hurtful words can impede the healing process.   At times people will impose their moral compass and challenge your resolve to recover.

Inappropriate relationships can also impede the healing process. I counsel my clients to be wary of those who would take advantage of their vulnerability.  Men and women alike will use your pain to entrap you in a sexual relationship.  This will only complicate matters. You need time to heal which is why I advise against new, rebound relationships!  Stay away from them!   How can you work on a new relationship when you still haven’t resolved the issues from your past?   New relationships will only mask the real problem and will rob precious healing time needed to recover.  It can also prevent you from possibly reconciling with your spouse.

What can you do to get through the initial phase of your divorce?

—Surround yourself with friends who will support you emotionally and protect you. —Find an accountability partner.  Women need to find other women to confide in. Men need to find a male counterpart as a trusted adviser.   I also recommend a trusted family member to rely on.   Make yourself accountable so that during times of discouragement or temptation you have someone to remind you of the commitments you’ve made.  More often than not, even an innocent meeting with the opposite sex can turn into an inappropriate relationship.

During this time you should focus on yourself by getting plenty of rest and exercise and turn your attention to your children, if you have them.  They will need your undivided attention during this time.  Write down your personal goals and what you think you’ll need to do to help yourself and children.   Give your accountability partner permission to hold you accountable for your actions.

These people will be your lifesavers.  Listen to them and be willing to talk about the issues they bring up. Your children will be your number one priority so get counseling for them too if needed.

Here are some questions to think about as you go through your divorce.  Each week I will have questions that will help you through the process.

Continue reading →

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I Recieved Divorce Papers! What Do I Do Now?

Posted on November 14, 2011 by drbrooks

Divorce Doesn't Mean Your Life Is Over

Did you know that most attorneys are not trained to act as Counselors or Divorce Coaches and cannot provide the proper emotional support that their clients need? As a result, the attorney and client spend hours discussing the emotional aspects of divorce and the client ends up paying a large bill and receives little more than a shoulder to cry on. Attorneys want to help you with the legal aspects of your divorce, not to be your Divorce coach or counselor. That’s not their job!

Many of my clients come to me with little or no energy left to accomplish what they want out of life (life’s battles). They say that there always seems to be a mountain to climb (major problem), and for others, a wall (major disaster) to run into. Does this sound familiar?

Divorce Coaching offers structure and holds clients responsible for assuming a pro-active role. A Coach may recommend material for clients to read, work on, or refer to for future use. Clients can benefit by working with a Coach in setting realistic expectations for the process and receiving education about the options available for divorce. Being informed and prepared helps clients make important decisions with confidence. Guiding clients in clarifying their thoughts, needs, and concerns, in order to communicate more effectively, is another important function of the Coach. Clear, purposeful and rational communication helps to ease tension and foster understanding between spouses, as well as parents and children.

Much like any crisis or trauma , the early emotions of a pending divorce include shock, disbelief, denial, anger, and the pain associated with the loss. Once the early emotions have been experienced, there is a need for people going through a divorce to make sure they continue to take the necessary steps in moving toward recovery. As with any significant loss that involves a meaningful relationship, divorce can lead someone to a place of anger, bitterness, and lonely despair. Dr. Mike will walk you through the critical role of forgiveness in divorce recovery. Especially when it comes to wrestling with issues, like trying to prove who’s right or wanting to get even.

In addition, many divorcing couples wind up in the traditional litigation route because they are reacting to fear, anger and a desire for getting even and are not thinking about what will happen once the divorce battle has ended.

After the grief process has run its course, divorced men and women must begin to consider their next steps in getting back to a healthy level of functioning. While this may not necessarily mean starting a new romance there is a need to take stock and evaluate relationships with family members and friends.

Part of building a new life is the acceptance of having been divorced. There are key issues in starting over, these include the need to avoid a victim mindset, having a balanced self-esteem and considering the future in terms of jobs, and finances.

After the grief process has run its course, divorced men and women must begin to consider their next steps in getting back to a healthy level of functioning. While this may not necessarily mean starting a new romance there is a need to take stock and evaluate relationships with family members and friends.

Did you know that…
Americans divorce more than any country in the history of the world.
The divorce rate has increased in the U.S. every decade since 1890.

Dynamics of Divorce Coaching:
Delayed and later life marriages are the norm for society today.
Divorce is often a lengthy process that can last for years.
The person who often seeks divorce coaching is the one who did not initiate the divorce proceedings.
Divorce coaches help repair and rebuild life.
How the biological parents dealt with divorce literally determined the future of their sons and daughters.

What Divorce Coaching will do for you:
Help you manage the early emotions.
Move you towards acceptance.
Process the grief and loss.
Understand the grief cycle.
Do’s and dont’s in your divorce.
Forgiveness and letting go.
Building a new life.
The Five Keys to starting over.
Barriers to new relationships.
Finding new relationships.
Now what? Living in a blended family.

Are you in the process of Divorce? Do you have a relationship that isn’t working, or that you want to improve and work on? Is your marriage in trouble, and is there still hope of reconciliation? Or do you need to end an unhealthy relationship? If you answered yes to any of these, I can help you as a Divorce Coach. You can call Dr. Mike at 303.456.0555 if you have any questions.

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Does reconciliation mean we have to get back together?

Posted on October 7, 2011 by drbrooks

Deciding to divorce, Does reconciliation mean we have to get back together?

Deciding to Divorce, Does reconciliation mean we have to get back together? By Dr. Michael Brooks

The thought of reconciling with your former spouse may be a scary proposition. Many marriages successfully reconcile but it takes a lot of hard work. We will address those who might be interested in restoring the marriage later in the article.  The aspect of reconciliation that I want to talk about is not necessarily restoring your marriage, but rather how to be friends with your former spouse. If you have children it will be in their best interest and will take a great deal of pressure off of them if they can see that you are friends. Many divorced people will opt for being friends with their former spouse when they realize there simply is no chance of marital reconciliation.  After my divorce I could not have imagined being friends with my ex-wife.  If someone had suggested that I should consider being friends with her I would have thought they were crazy! I’ve since learned that time really does heal old wounds and I can now say we are friends today.

I was counseling a client who was pouring her heart out about how her ex-husband was difficult to talk to. He was always saying unkind things to her and she really wanted nothing to do with him. I told her I understood and asked her what she thought her children were seeing when they looked at her reaction to him.  She hesitated then slowly admitted they were seeing her anger and bad attitude.  I then asked her how she handled her anger when it came to dealing with her children.  Reluctantly, she said she treated them the same way she treated her ex-husband – not very well.  Finally I asked the million dollar question, “Do you want your children to be involved in your war with your ex spouse?” “Of course not”, she responded. Then she asked a simple question, ‘Ok Doc, what should I do?”

I asked her to keep an open mind as I presented the idea of reconciliation and how she and her children would ultimately benefit. I went into great detail how it works and the time frame in which she could expect results.  When I was done she just stared at the ceiling. She was deep in thought and asked me to go over the plan again.  I explained how reconciliation works and the step-by-step process she would need to go through to make the plan work.  I explained that to begin a friendship with her former spouse she would need to begin slowly and learn to communicate again.  This step applies to both parties and both need to agree they are willing to work together to create the friendship or in some cases even reconcile the marriage.  If the friendship is to grow, the trust issue must be resolved one way or another but always proceed with caution. If your intention is to restore the marriage then at some point the relationship must go to a deeper level beyond just friendship. This is where you must decide that you want to go to the next level, begin dating each other again, or just stay as friends! If you want to restore your marriage and need help, let me know, I can help you with that!

As I have said in many of my articles, often men and women are talked into a divorce. It can be as innocent as a well meaning friend suggesting you see a lawyer for legal advice. That starts the ball rolling and the next thing you know you’re in the middle of a divorce. If you’re really not sure you want a divorce then consider counseling. Don’t get talked into something you will later regret.

Over the years I have had clients tell me that they wished they had never filed for a divorce. The pain it caused and the uncertainty it created made them ask the question “What if I had just waited for complete healing of my marriage? My children would be happy.  I would be happy and I would be in my home. I’d be going to the kid’s games and having dinner with them”. This is the part of divorce you rarely see. It’s heartbreaking and pain that never goes away.  Some marriages cannot be reconciled and I understand that. The key here is getting your children through it. They should be on your “radar” when it comes to priorities between you and your spouse.

As I looked back at my own divorce I could see the pain I had caused my daughter and my former spouse.  I realized I was part of the problem and I knew I shared the responsibility of the broken relationship. In order to have a healthy reconciliation, I realized I needed to do a few things to make that happen.  I didn’t expect others to fix things for me, so I took my share of the blame and began working on correcting my mistakes.  If you are the one who has been wronged I challenge you need to do something very bold and courageous – forgive.  If you hold on to the pain you will have a long and very bitter life. I see many bitter people come through my office! They are in ill health, unhappy and very pessimistic. It’s obvious they need to forgive but they have to be willing to let go of their anger and move on.

A few years ago I was counseling a man in my office.  He wanted to reconcile with his wife but she wanted nothing to do with him. He asked me what he should do.  I told him to consider her complaints and if he thought they were legitimate then I suggested he work on those things and clean up his act. He got to work on them and before long his wife saw that he was making an effort to be a better man.  That was a step in the right direction. Patience is the key and don’t force things.  Move slowly then wait and see what happens. If you have any questions about reconciling as a friend or restoring your marriage call me!  I can help you!

In this series, I will help you examine the process of getting divorced. We’ll take a close look at what to expect and will share critical information you need to know. If you or your spouse is considering divorce, prior to making that final, life-changing decision, please call me. I can help you prepare for your divorce.

Are you experiencing a difficult time in your marriage and need help? Is your spouse avoiding talking with you about the problems in your marriage? Are you struggling with the execution and planning of your divorce? Would you like to learn communication tools that are helpful when talking with your spouse about repairing your marriage? If you answered yes to any of these questions, I can help you. Give me a call today!

Master Life Coaching is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your own home. Avoid travel time and never leave the comfort of your home to meet with me. I have many out-of-state clients who prefer to meet over the phone or via Skype.  The convenience of this type of coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado.  Your privacy is guaranteed.

For more information or to schedule a free consultation, call or email me at 303.456.0555 or mike@applicablecoaching.com. All calls are confidential and your privacy is guaranteed.

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What is a Divorce Coach?

Posted on September 14, 2011 by drbrooks
Day 150: And that's that.

Image via Wikipedia

Are you in the process of Divorce? Do you have a relationship that isn’t working, or that you want to improve and work on? Is your marriage in trouble, and is there still hope of reconciliation? Or do you need to end an unhealthy relationship? If you answered yes to any of these, I can help you as a Divorce Coach.

What is a Divorce Coach?

Most attorneys are not trained to act as Counselors or Divorce Coaches and cannot provide the proper emotional support to their clients. As a result, the attorney and client spend hours discussing the emotional aspects of divorce and the client ends up paying a large bill and receives little more than a shoulder to cry on.

Many of my clients come to me with little or no energy left to accomplish what they want out of life (life’s battles). They say that there always seems to be a mountain to climb (major problem), and for others, a wall (major disaster) to run into. Does this sound familiar?

Divorce Coaching offers structure and holds clients responsible for assuming a pro-active role. A Coach may recommend material for clients to read, work on, or refer to for future use. Clients can benefit by working with a Coach in setting realistic expectations for the process and receiving education about the options available for divorce. Being informed and prepared helps clients make important decisions with confidence. Guiding clients in clarifying their thoughts, needs, and concerns, in order to communicate more effectively, is another important function of the Coach. Clear, purposeful and rational communication helps to ease tension and foster understanding between spouses, as well as parents and children.

Much like any crisis or trauma , the early emotions of a pending divorce include shock, disbelief, denial, anger, and the pain associated with the loss. Once the early emotions have been experienced, there is a need for people going through a divorce to make sure they continue to take the necessary steps in moving toward recovery. As with any significant loss that involves a meaningful relationship, divorce can lead someone to a place of anger, bitterness, and lonely despair. Dr. Mike will walk you through the critical role of forgiveness in divorce recovery. Especially when it comes to wrestling with issues, like trying to prove who’s right or wanting to get even.

In addition, many divorcing couples wind up in the traditional litigation route because they are reacting to fear, anger and a desire for getting even and are not thinking about what will happen once the divorce battle has ended.

After the grief process has run its course, divorced men and women must begin to consider their next steps in getting back to a healthy level of functioning. While this may not necessarily mean starting a new romance there is a need to take stock and evaluate relationships with family members and friends.

Part of building a new life is the acceptance of having been divorced. There are key issues in starting over, these include the need to avoid a victim mindset, having a balanced self-esteem and considering the future in terms of jobs, and finances.

After the grief process has run its course, divorced men and women must begin to consider their next steps in getting back to a healthy level of functioning. While this may not necessarily mean starting a new romance there is a need to take stock and evaluate relationships with family members and friends.

Did you know that…

  • Americans divorce more than any country in the history of the world.
  • The divorce rate has increased in the U.S. every decade since 1890.

Dynamics of Divorce Coaching:

  • Delayed and later life marriages are the norm for society today.
  • Divorce is often a lengthy process that can last for years.
  • The person who often seeks divorce coaching is the one who did not initiate the divorce proceedings.
  • Divorce coaches help repair and rebuild life.
  • How the biological parents dealt with divorce literally determined the future of their sons and daughters.

What Divorce Coaching will do for you:

  • Help you manage the early emotions.
  • Move you towards acceptance.
  • Process the grief and loss.
  • Understand the grief cycle.
  • Do’s and dont’s in your divorce.
  • Forgiveness and letting go.
  • Building a new life.
  • The Five Keys to starting over.
  • Barriers to new relationships.
  • Finding new relationships.
  • Now what? Living in a blended family.

What are your thoughts on divorce? Did you have a surprise waiting for you when you got home (divorce papers)? Are you the one wanting a divorce? I would like to know how you feel and your thoughts on the process of a past divorce or a current one, that you are going through. You’re not alone in the battle of divorce, I will be in the trenches with you.

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